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Family Forum / Parenting / Step Parents / February 2004Okay, got a new one
My father just announced he's getting remarried. Holy crap. I barely know anything about being a stepparent, I know _nothing_ about being an adult stepchild. Haven't even met the woman yet, she's about 5-6 years older than my oldest sister. <Snicker.> Same age as my SO. <Giggle.> YOUNGER than my sister's husband. <Snort.> [Okay Jane, keep reading, I'll stop.] I am so not sure how to feel about this. rebecca >I am so not sure how to feel about this. > >rebecca Rising about the bait... Can you get any kind of a handle on how you *do* feel about it? jane > >I am so not sure how to feel about this. > > [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > > jane Oh, I really want him to be happy. He's a nice guy. I don't want him to waste away missing my mom, he's the only parent I've got left. And he does suck by himself, he's totally helpless. But they're going to sell their homes and buy a new one. (An idea I've blessed with him, I think it's the right thing to do.) It's just that I grew up in that house, and my mom is really everywhere there, so it feels a little bit like losing her again, I guess. So there's all that, plus the added horribility (is that a word? I like it) of forming a step relationship from the other side. Jeez, it was hard enough doing it as the parent. Isn't that awful? We're entering year 2 of our latest court crap, in trial for everything, and now all of the sudden here's my nice old dad, who has been so unhappy, who is so pleased that this hot young chick wants to marry him, he just wants us all to like her so much. Several family members have already called me expressing concern about money issues, I'm sort of weirded out about him loving someone who isn't my mom, and he's talking about asking me to perform the ceremony for them. Ack. I'm happy and pleased for him, I really am. But I'm also upset and sad, my own life is pretty tumultuous at the momen, and I miss my mom like crazy. There you go, now I'm more confused than I was before. rebecca > But they're going to sell their >homes and buy a new one. (An idea I've blessed with him, I think it's the >right thing to do.) It's just that I grew up in that house, and my mom is >really everywhere there, so it feels a little bit like losing her again, I >guess. >So there's all that, plus the added horribility (is that a word? I >like it) of forming a step relationship from the other side. Right, but Rebecca, he sounds like a great guy. And he's not fragile anymore. You can tell him these things. You can say, "I'm so happy for you, and I mean that, but it's all just making me miss Mom so much. I have to take some of this at my own pace." You can say to her, "I know none of this has anything to do with my Mom. I have really bad experience with 'step' relationships, and I want to think of you as a friend." They're not children. They've *got* to know that people have mixed feelings, and I bet a little honestly all 'round would be a breath of fresh air to both of them. Don't protect them, it's not necessary. Anne >I'm happy and pleased for him, I really am. But I'm also >upset and sad, my own life is pretty tumultuous at the momen, and I miss my >mom like crazy. > >There you go, now I'm more confused than I was before. That's always a good sign. I think there will always be stuff that pleases us but freshens our grief. When Lee got her report card, it broke my heart that I couldn't tell my mother. She's been dead over 8 years. What works for me is to acknowledge and deal with both. I've got to sob about missing my mother, and I've got to celebrate the report card. As long as I'm honest with myself and I give both their due, the one doesn't poison the other. I agree with Anne, too, I'm honest with other people about it, too. Somewhere in all "I'm so pround of you"s I told Lee that I was sad I couldn't tell my mother. jane >rebecca > My father just announced he's getting remarried. > [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > my SO. <Giggle.> YOUNGER than my sister's husband. <Snort.> [Okay Jane, > keep reading, I'll stop.] Why do you think you are focussing on how old she is? When are you going to get to meet her? Wendy > Why do you think you are focussing on how old she is? When are you going > to get to meet her? Oh, I don't know. I guess if age differences bothered me that much, I wouldn't have such a big one in my own relationship. Just a kick realizing my 67 yo father is attractive to someone so much younger, I guess. In a sick, very non-feminist kind of way, I'm sorta proud of the studly old guy. (ducks waiting for the flames) rebecca > Oh, I don't know. I guess if age differences bothered me that much, I > wouldn't have such a big one in my own relationship. Just a kick realizing > my 67 yo father is attractive to someone so much younger, I guess. In a > sick, very non-feminist kind of way, I'm sorta proud of the studly old guy. is this a quiet, under the breath "go dad" kinda moment? ;D Jess > Oh, I don't know. I guess if age differences bothered me that much, I > wouldn't have such a big one in my own relationship How big is your and your partner's age difference? There were 8 years between my ex and I, but with Barclay it's 2 years. > Just a kick realizing > my 67 yo father is attractive to someone so much younger, I guess. In a > sick, very non-feminist kind of way, I'm sorta proud of the studly old guy. We were out at a friend's last night. His new partner is over 15 years his junior, but I don't think that it matters. OTOH, my Mum is 8 years younger than Dad, and the difference in age is more noticeable now than once upon a time (Mum is 77 and Dad 85). Wendy > (ducks waiting for the flames) > rebecca > > Oh, I don't know. I guess if age differences bothered me that much, I > > wouldn't have such a big one in my own relationship > > How big is your and your partner's age difference? There were 8 years > between my ex and I, but with Barclay it's 2 years. I'm 35, he's 47. Most times I don't think much of it, but it comes up for us sometimes, we're basically different generations. Although my father is old enough (barely) to be his father. And, apparently, he's the same age as my stepmother-to-be... sorry, I don't know why I find that so funny. (I'd snort about it, but I'm trying to be sensistive to Jane's obsessive neuroses about parentheticals.) You know, a friend of mine married a guy with kids _her_ age. They call her mom as a joke, but holy cow, how weird would that be? rebecca > I'm 35, he's 47. Most times I don't think much of it, but it comes up for > us sometimes, we're basically different generations. Although my father is [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > You know, a friend of mine married a guy with kids _her_ age. They call her > mom as a joke, but holy cow, how weird would that be? *shrugs* i always found it amusing that i was right in the middle of tim and sunshine...tho' i have a niece that's weirded out every so often my having an aunt about eight years older than her...:D Jess >You know, a friend of mine married a guy with kids _her_ age. They call her >mom as a joke, but holy cow, how weird would that be? > >rebecca I'm only 9 years older than my SD. Oddly enough it has never been an issue between the two of us, but I once had a dream where we were pregnant at the same time and just realizing that this was possible freaked me out. Love, Melissa "The old Tom didn't poison your fish either!" -Carson Kressley, from Queer Eye >> You know, a friend of mine married a guy with kids _her_ age. They >> call her mom as a joke, but holy cow, how weird would that be? >> >> rebecca My 11 y/o niece is an Aunt to adults- early to mid twenties.. My sister was 29 and the father was late fifties/early sixty's. his daughters are older than my sister. It was difficult for most of them, until they realized that my sister wasn't after their dad's money. They all get along well now. Cal~ >My father just announced he's getting remarried. > [quoted text clipped - 7 lines] > >rebecca You know what? It's going to be weird for everyone for awhile, and that's OK. Just accept that right up front. You actually have more of an idea about how to deal with this than you think. You've been the new SM coming into a family still mourning over their giant loss. It will be OK, just weird at first. And who knows, you may end up really liking each other. Love, Melissa "The old Tom didn't poison your fish either!" -Carson Kressley, from Queer Eye > My father just announced he's getting remarried. > [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > > I am so not sure how to feel about this. my opinion? yeah, technically, you're her stepdaughter, but you're also an adult...i'd settle for relating to her as your father's fiance/new spouse and seeing if it goes from there.... if you don't mind, i'll toss this one out to mike-he was older when his mother married the last time. and he might have a different take on it...:) Jess >> My father just announced he's getting remarried. >> [quoted text clipped - 16 lines] > >Jess I agree with this. I don't see any need for a "step-mother" role to come into this at all. She will be your father's wife. You'll either like her (knock wood) or you will be kind and polite to her because she makes your dad happy. Remember, it is the men who were *happily* married who are most likely to remarried within a couple of years of their wife's death. The have positive experiences and positive memories of what it is like to be happy with a mate. In many ways, this is a true testament to your mother and the love they had, that he thinks of marriage so positively. Sheila > Remember, it is the men who were *happily* married who are most likely to > remarried within a couple of years of their wife's death. The have positive > experiences and positive memories of what it is like to be happy with a mate. > In many ways, this is a true testament to your mother and the love they had, > that he thinks of marriage so positively. thanks, that's a nice way of looking at it. rebecca > if you don't mind, i'll toss this one out to mike-he was older when his > mother married the last time. and he might have a different take on it...:) oh sure, no problem. rebecca > My father just announced he's getting remarried. > [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > my SO. <Giggle.> YOUNGER than my sister's husband. <Snort.> [Okay Jane, > keep reading, I'll stop.] mike's comment is that dad3 is his mom's husband, and more of a friend than of an actual stepfather...:) Jess |
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