Family Forum / Parenting / Step Parents / March 2004

Hi Becky, and welcome.

I've been a stepparent for almost ten years now. I have two stepkids, SS14
and SD9, with different mothers. SS has lived with us for eight years now,
with a very problematic relationship with the BM for four years, great for
the last four. SD lives with her mother and we've always had visitation.

IME and opinion there are three major pitfalls to both look out for and ward
off at all costs! They are:

1) Waking up a few months or years from now and realising that you do ALL of
the childcare, get NO appreciation and NO time off without a major guilt
trip or shouting match. It's a simple fact that in many relationships much
of the household and childcare responsibilities will fall to the woman of
the house unless you are clear about your boundaries and what you will and
will not do. IMO it's fine if you're happy to do a lot of the childcare. But
my advice would be to *always* maintain a dynamic where it is not *expected*
of you and you receive much gratitude for what you have done. I'm talking
'thanks for having the kids today honey' each and every day, so that it is
clear that you are doing him a huge favour and not actually assuming
responsibility for that work. I would also recommend that you keep a
practice of taking time out for yourself, saying No to taking care of the
kids sometimes (just so it's clear that you can do so) and being clear with
your SO about your feelings and needs. For example, if he doesn't want to
hear how tough the kids have been today? Well buddy, they're not my problem,
and if I'm going to look after them for you I'm going to need you to listen
for 10 minutes while I bitch about them and then I'll feel better. If you
don't like it, find another babysitter. Talking of babysitters, make sure
you've got them. His family, paid for local teenagers, whatever. Have an
escape route and take time together away from the children, often.

2) Spending the next four or five years of your life hating BM and generally
expending the large majority of your emotional, mental and spiritual energy
in her direction. OK, so I'm not picking up major clues on this one from
your post. But bear with me, this one is my personal pet favourite, having
ruined my own life with it for several years. There are literally a billion
reasons why you need to maintain positive feelings about her. Making it
easier for the kids etc etc etc. None of these worked for me, sadly I had to
see what I was going to get out of it before I could snap out of it and
improve my life. So I'll offer you those reasons instead. BM doesn't seem to
want to play much of a role in the kids' lives right now, but that could
change. And when it does, you need to welcome her with open arms. Because
she could be a major key to you getting time off and time alone with your
partner. We've even suggested here that even in intact families that we
should have someone to take the kids every other weekend because it's such a
bonus! So keep that channel open. Everything you can do to be positive about
her, both with your partner and the children will just increase the
likelihood of her taking them for more time in the future. Trust me.

3) Waking up in a few months or years from now and realising that actually
all of the problems that you have with the kids and with BM are actually
huge problems that you have with your boyfriend and what an absolute idiot
he can be sometimes. Note, this one normally comes after you've already
married and had a baby together in your ignorance. Admittedly, this one is
closely tied in with 1 and 2. 1, because if you don't set the boundaries I
mention you've inviting him to behave badly and 2 because most of us
initially blame BM for our SO's failings. In your case for 2 it might be him
bitching that she never takes the kids, but actually he gives her sh.t and a
guilt trip when she does get in touch. You gradually realise just why she
stays away - him! Or, the other classic which applies to those stepfamilies,
unlike yourselves,  with visitation, where the stepmother bitches for years
about how little her partner gets to see his kids because of the bitch  BM,
then she wakes up and realises it's because her partner can't stand up to
BM, never challenges the status quo, and can't even be bothered to attempt
to get more visitation. In your case my main thing would be making sure your
SO is getting child support. Because if he's not and you move in, guess
who's going to be spending a lot of cash on the kids? Yup, you.

Other than that, it's plain sailing! ;-)

Nikki

I want to say, "What are you, NUTS?", but I'm told that that is distancing.  
How did you become responsible for these other people's children?   .  You are
certainly not the only one go from hot young single babe to unpaid full time
babysitter without understanding precisely how it happened. Welcome to the
Cinderella In Reverse Club.  I think five months is a new record, though.  

You've got to regroup and reevaluate the situation.  Because unless you looked
at Joe and thought, "Wow, he is *cute*! Maybe he'll let me babysit his kids,"
this affair is not moving entirely in the direction you want it to.    

Step out of the whirlwind for a minute, and think.  What do you want to be
doing?  Where do you want this relationship to go?  

jane

I am a

He has

I basically have them

Just out of curiosity what did you do with your spare time 5 months ago?

Amy

Hi Becky,

Listen, what everyone's saying is true enough, it's just about 3 steps more
advanced than it sounds like you are.  There are some decent books out there
about stepparenting, and some really stupid ones.  Read a couple, get a feel
for what the general issues are.  In the beginning, I found it helpful to
also read some about single parenting and coparenting, it gave me a sense
for areas where my SO was doing well and where he wasn't.  I also liked
talking to/listening to people like Jane and Vicki, who manage to coparent
amicably with their ex-husbands.  They give good perspective.

In general, though, this early in a relationship, I'd be a touch wary about
how deeply you get involved with those kids.  If their mother is mostly
absent, they're going to be needy and looking for a mother-figure.  You may
or may not be that person, but until you're a little surer about where your
relationship is going, it isn't fair to the kids, does that make sense?

rebecca