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Family Forum / Parenting / Step Parents / April 2004Does the arguing ever stop??
Well? Does it? It seems I can't open my mouth without my SS having Something to say back about it. How do you handle that kinda thing? I just want to ...well, I don't really know what I want to do. Hide maybe? Wanda >How do you handle that kinda thing? I never argue with children. "I am not discussing this any further" works well. ~~Geri~~ Rally Monkey 1-0 That sound good. What do you do when they follow you from room to room whining and trying to get their way? I would think he would give up but he doesn't. Wanda > >How do you handle that kinda thing? > [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > > Rally Monkey 1-0 : That sound good. What do you do when they follow you from room to room : whining and trying to get their way? I would think he would give up but he : doesn't. : Wanda You tell them you need some alone time, and that you are going to spend some time ALONE in your bedroom or wherever. Or tell them to find something to do, or you will find them something to do. That one always gets their attention. With hope and heart, Kathleen > That sound good. What do you do when they follow you from room to room > whining and trying to get their way? I would think he would give up but he > doesn't. 'What makes you think that whining will make me change my mind?' 'If you continue whining you will go to your room.' 'If you continue to badger me you will be grounded away from ___________.' 'You may now go to your room until you can be polite.' 'I am taking a time out in my room.' And never, ever give in. >> That sound good. What do you do when they follow you from room to room >> whining and trying to get their way? I would think he would give up but he [quoted text clipped - 8 lines] > >And never, ever give in. The spending time in his room thing was the only thing that worked when my son did this. He was an expert at never giving up when he wanted something and I said no. I tried the time out in my room thing, but I'd be in my room with the door closed and he could keep it up, banging on the door and demanding, until I was ready to leave via the window just to get away from it. While he was still younger, I could stop the demanding and whining before it really got started with "you *will* spend time in your room!" For some reason, he hated spending time in his room, and that would stop the behavior ('til the next time). It can be totally exhausting, but it's true--you can't give in, so choose your battles carefully. They can't all be battles or it'll wear you out. Deb R. > The spending time in his room thing was the only thing that worked > when my son did this. He was an expert at never giving up when he [quoted text clipped - 10 lines] > > Deb R. No, you cannot ever give in. My SS who is now 10 has some developmental delays along with ADHD, ODD and possibly bi-polar disorder. He used to throw huge kicking, screaming, biting tantrums when whining at me did not work. The only way we got beyond that was to tell him that I have said my final word on the subject, and if he persists he will go for a time out. I used a three count, if I got to three I picked him up, sat him in a chair, turned it to the wall and set the timer for three minuts. If he left the chair, I picked him back up and set him there again,and reset the timer, calmly stating "you have three minuts" If he continued the whining or started to tantrum, I quietly reset the timer. He learned pretty fast that he was in control of how long he remained in the time out chair. The trick is not to get angry. If the child sees that he has gotten undrer your skin, you have blown it since what he wants is your reaction. It did not take him long to learn that when I said no, I meant no and there would be no disscussion. All of the kids have learned that I am deaf to a whiney voice and if they want to ask for something they had better use a reasonable tone. I will listen to reasonable arguments as long as they are presented in a non-whiney tone of voice. Consistancy is the key though, if you cave even once, kids will see your weakness and push your buttons every time. Lori H > That sound good. What do you do when they follow you from room to room > whining and trying to get their way? I would think he would give up but he > doesn't. > Wanda There's a payoff. Do you give him to him? Does his father or his mother? If you let a kid moan for 20 minutes, then give in, he knows that next time he might have to go to 25 minutes, but he knows if he goes long enough, someone will cave. I personally won't tolerate whining. I don't even discuss the want if it's requested in a whine. I say 'use your normal voice or I'm not going to be able to hear you properly'. If they can't ask nicely, forget it. Anything asked for with a whine is an automatic No. They can try again tomorrow in a normal voice, but for today you've already shot it if you whined when you asked. Being followed from room to room, I would insist that this stop immediately or he'd be going for a time out in his room. If he won't do that voluntarily, I would shut his bedroom door and hold it shut for a period, until he'd calmed down and stopped the whining. Or, he could go out into the garden (presuming it's safe) and come in upon his calm down. Heck, with my SS, Mr Tantrum-tastic, my DH and I have been known to leave him having a tantrum in the house and remove ourselves to the garden. SS never did want the public embarrassment so it worked well for some peace and quiet. I'd highly recommend 'How to talk so Kids will Listen and listen so Kids will Talk' by Adele Faber and Elaine Maslich. I would also highly recommend not losing your temper. I know it's hard, but a cool angry works a lot more efficiently in parenting than an out-of-control angry, IMO. Nikki > I would also highly recommend not losing your temper. I know it's hard, but > a cool angry works a lot more efficiently in parenting than an > out-of-control angry, IMO. it does...:) Jess >I would also highly recommend not losing your temper. I know it's hard, but >a cool angry works a lot more efficiently in parenting than an >out-of-control angry, IMO. Yes, it does. If you lose control of yourself, the kid knows he has pushed a button and sometimes that is a reward in itself. ~~Geri~~ Rally Monkey 1-0 > That sound good. What do you do when they follow you from room to room > whining and trying to get their way? I would think he would give up but he > doesn't. ignore him...:) Jess >That sound good. What do you do when they follow you from room to room >whining and trying to get their way? I would think he would give up but he >doesn't. "The next word I hear and you will lose *insert privilege, favorite toy or something meaningful* (or if the kid hates being grounded like I did as a kid, you can give each word you hear a day of grounding) and the same for each word after that." Otherwise, you can just go in your bedroom and shut the door. ~~Geri~~ Rally Monkey 1-0 >"The next word I hear and you will lose *insert privilege, favorite toy or >something meaningful* (or if the kid hates being grounded like I did as a >kid, >you can give each word you hear a day of grounding) and the same for each >word >after that." I forgot to add that you need to always back your words with actions *every single time*! The difference between how SD behaves with me (she argues with him more) and with Brian is that he will threaten two or three times before he backs it up. With me, SD knows from experience that when I tell her something the action will immediately follow and lots of times all I have to do is give her the stink-eye and she will stop with the whining/arguing. ~~Geri~~ Rally Monkey 1-0 'The annoyance factor" When I say no. and then have to say no again, I warn them that 'The annoyance factor" is about to set in. That usually stops them dead. I say, "Put the dishes in the dishwasher" Child says, "It's not my turn." I say, "Please put the dishes in the dishwasher. The annoyance factor is about to kick in." Child says, "I did the dishes Monday night." I say, "Put the dishes in the dishwasher and take out the trash." Child says, "I have to do all the work around here." I say, "Put the dishes in the dishwasher, take out the trash and feed the dog." Child gets a startled look on face, thinks for a moment and says, "OK!." Kelly >>That sound good. What do you do when they follow you from room to room >>whining and trying to get their way? I would think he would give up but he [quoted text clipped - 11 lines] > > Thanks for the replies everyone. I'm worn out with him right now, but he has gone to his grandmother's for the weekend. I'll rest up and try out the good advice you all gave me. Thanks, Wanda > Well? Does it? It seems I can't open my mouth without my SS having Something > to say back about it. How do you handle that kinda thing? I just want to > ...well, I don't really know what I want to do. Hide maybe? > > Wanda |
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