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Family Forum / Parenting / Step Parents / May 2004children wont speak to bio-mom and she never calls them -step parent adoption
I left my soon to be ex-wife a year ago next month, she has made no attempt to come out to see them nor does she request that I bring them to her. We had a really rocky marriage from the start (15 yrs ago) we have 3 children 14g/12b/9b that I love dearly. I always thought she loved them, I was told by family and friends that she only wanted the kids to trap me so that I would continue to support her. I never wanted to believe this however the last year has spoken for itself I have to say. The kids have only seen her twice in the last 11 months and that was only for the day. She rarely calls unless she wants something. I have known the woman I am with for 4 yrs now and we are living as a family (or as close as you can without the marriage license) and she wants to get married and adopt the kids. She is great with the kids and the kids want this too, has anyone here ever adopted a "step" child? (in michigan) or know anything about it? I am not 100% sure if I want the adoption or not, but I am strongly leaning that way. My concern is HOW much hassle / paperwork is involved in this? What are the drawbacks, benifits of this? (I know if her and I were to split that would raise an issue, but that is all I can really come up with) Robert >She is great with the kids and the kids want this too, has anyone here ever >adopted a "step" child? (in michigan) or know anything about it? [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] >What are the drawbacks, benifits of this? (I know if her and I were to split >that would raise an issue, but that is all I can really come up with) IME, it comes down to whether or not the BM contests the adoption. My baby sister's oldest daughter was adopted by Baby Sis's husband. He's the only father the child has ever known. When the BF was sent paperwork to determine whether or not he would agree to giving up his paternal rights and allowing the adoption, he didn't even return the paperwork to the court. The court took that as agreement and/or disinterest, so the adoption went through. Good luck. Kitten =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= True evangelical faith cannot lie dormant. It clothes the naked, feeds the hungry, comforts the sorrowful, shelters the destitute. And serves those who harm it. -- Menno Simons, 1539 =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Courage, Real courage, is no quick fix. It doesn't come in a bottle or a pill, It comes from discipline. From taking everything life hands you and being your best either because of it or in spite of it. -- Ty Murray =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= > I left my soon to be ex-wife a year ago next month, she has made no attempt to > come out to see them nor does she request that I bring them to her. We had a [quoted text clipped - 21 lines] > > Robert I looked into this years ago, adopting my stepson when he had an absent biomom. Interestingly, me and my husband are splitting up right now, which I guess would have been seriously complicated by an adoption. You might find that mentioning adoption to your ex means she gets serious about her children. Or, she could be glad, I guess, I just find that idea hard to relate to. If she stepped up to the plate, that would be great for the kids. You say the kids want it? I find that fairly hard to believe, with their ages and the fact that their BM only left a year ago. I'm not saying you're being untruthful, or that they are lying, but I feel it might be more that they're telling you what you want to hear. I'm not in Michigan, I'm in the UK, but generally adoption means that both bioparents lose their rights and then both new adoptive parents take over those rights. BM would have to agree, no judge will force an adoption if she still wants involved. If I had adopted my SS, who's now going to live with his Dad, I would now be liable to pay my STBX-DH child support. Which, would suck the big one. So I'd talk to your wife about that. I'd ask if it's really necessary. She can be a mother figure without a piece of paper and that would always leave the door open for your ex to show up, which, the kids would probably want. They have a funny way of clinging to their bioparent, regardless of treatment, and really, that's only right. Nikki > "Lost father of 3" <lostfatherof3@aol.com> wrote in message >> I have known the woman I am with for 4 yrs now and we are living as >> a family (or as close as you can without the marriage license) and >> she wants to get married and adopt the kids. What is it that you want? You mention she wants to get married, but you don't mention your feelings. >> She is great with the kids and the kids want this too, has anyone >> here ever adopted a "step" child? (in michigan) or know anything >> about it? My Step Dad adopted my older siblings and me when I was 10 years old, after having parented us from the time I was a 2 y/o. He was sent to Vietnam and wanted to ensure we were cared for if something happened to him. Our BioFather had to sign his parental rights away and he did so willingly. It meant an end to the CS obligation, though he never actually paid any. The CS backlog was wiped away when he gave up his rights. >> I am not 100% sure if I want the adoption or not, but I am strongly >> leaning that way. My concern is HOW much hassle / paperwork is >> involved in this? Have no idea, though since my BioF lived in a different state, my mother made quite a few trips to the lawyers offices that year. Things might be different now, as this was in 1970. >> What are the drawbacks, benifits of this? (I know if her and I were >> to split that would raise an issue, but that is all I can really >> come up with) One thing that surprised me when I was adopted by him was that my birth certificate was altered. A new one was issued, so that listed as the Birth Father was my adopted father's name. I never thought much of it when I was younger, but as an adult this shocks me. Since your kids are older, this shouldn't be an issue, however. If you and your now girlfriend should divorce, she could sue you for custody of the children, you could end up paying her CS to raise your children and end up with visitation. With your children being older, they could have the option of going to live with her against your wishes if divorce were to happen. <snip> > You say the kids want it? I find that fairly hard to believe, with > their ages and the fact that their BM only left a year ago. I'm not > saying you're being untruthful, or that they are lying, but I feel it > might be more that they're telling you what you want to hear. I agree. Or they could be saying so out of hurt and anger they have towards their mother for neglecting them. It could be more that they want to strike out and hurt her as she's hurt them, more than they really want to sever their ties to her. > I'm not in Michigan, I'm in the UK, but generally adoption means that > both bioparents lose their rights and then both new adoptive parents > take over those rights. BM would have to agree, no judge will force > an adoption if she still wants involved. Since the BioFather isn't giving his up, only the BM would need to lose her rights. And a judge wouldn't normally force an adoption, though there are cases where a judge will terminate a parents rights against their will that is rare and only in extreme cases. Even drug addicts, rapists and murderers aren't forced to give up their parental rights. There is a case in the US where a young man of 14 or so is trying to "Divorce" his father, the man who killed his mother. I don't recall if there has been an outcome in that case, but it is very, very difficult to have a parents rights terminated, if they aren't willing to go along with it no matter how evil they are. Biology trumps just about anything, unless they are willing to sign their rights away. > If I had adopted my SS, who's now going to live with his Dad, I would > now be liable to pay my STBX-DH child support. Which, would suck the > big one. So I'd talk to your wife about that. Yep, though you would be given 'visitation rights' (hate that term, but..).. Right now, you will be dependant on your STBX's good will for that as a SM. > I'd ask if it's really necessary. She can be a mother figure without > a piece of paper and that would always leave the door open for your > ex to show up, which, the kids would probably want. They have a funny > way of clinging to their bioparent, regardless of treatment, and > really, that's only right. I agree. Also, since the mother & father have only been separated one year, it is awfully quick to be making such life altering decisions! These kids haven't had time to grieve for what they've lost. Having another woman move in and take over so quickly is, IMO a really bad idea. The kids could be saying what they think you want to hear, and they may very end up resenting you for taking away their birthright. My very best advice is to ........s l o w......... this whole thing down. What is the hurry? If you two love each other, and have made a commitment then you'll both still be there in a few years when everyone has had time to heal their wounds. If not, then you'll be glad you didn't do something rash and ill-advised. Cal~ >snip> > I'm not in Michigan, I'm in the UK, but generally adoption means > that [quoted text clipped - 10 lines] > >snip> Cal~ No seriously. Here, both give them up. We found this out. Both BM and my DH had to sign away their rights, then DH and I would have jointly signed up for adoptive rights (which are the same as biorights and include, as you point out, a totally new birth certificate). We thought it bizarre that it would have meant that for 2 mins in between signing one set of papers then another, SS would have had no parents. Nikki > I'd ask if it's really necessary. She can be a mother figure without a piece > of paper and that would always leave the door open for your ex to show up, > which, the kids would probably want. They have a funny way of clinging to > their bioparent, regardless of treatment, and really, that's only right. I am the non-custodial mom of two almost grown boys and the custodial step mom (almost) of one nearly 12 yr old girl. I love my kids stepmom and if there was a way for her to adopt them without my giving up my parental rights we would have done it trust me I tried. We tried. She has raised them and loved them and pusished them and been there for them for nearly 11 years EVERY SINGLE DAY and yet I'm still MOM and I'm still the 'important' one to them. ON the other hand... SD is with her biomom this weekend but she calls me MOM or momma or Mommy always and I" the one who does her homework and makes her take a bath and do her chores. Being MOM is not about a piece of paper-- not at all. > I left my soon to be ex-wife a year ago next month, she has made no attempt to > come out to see them nor does she request that I bring them to her. We had a > really rocky marriage from the start (15 yrs ago) we have 3 children 14g/12b/9b > that I love dearly. I always thought she loved them, I was told by family and > friends that she only wanted the kids to trap me so that I would continue to > support her. Have you attempted to contact her, yourself? There could be lots of reasons behind this. Perhaps she's suffering from depression, or stress? Personally, I think it's risky to assume anything about people without asking them straight out what the reasons behind their behaviour are. > I have known the woman I am with for 4 yrs now and we are living as a family > (or as close as you can without the marriage license) and she wants to get > married and adopt the kids. Okay, there's one possible reason. That was quick wasn't it?! Wendy |
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