Family Forum / Parenting / Step Parents / August 2004

Well.  Let me start with saying it was _wrong_ of his father to put him in
the middle like that.  But that doesn't change the fact that you now have to
be the mature parent.  So you and your wife have some choices to make.

Personally, I don't feel an 11-yo is old enough to decide on the fly where
they want to be.  Evidence your SS changing his mind twice to please both
you and his dad.   So if you don't have a consistent schedule, with defined
vacation times, you should.  I do think an 11yo is probably old enough to
have input into what their regular schedule should be, though, so you should
consider getting his input before you put something in place.

Now, about the camping trip.  In my home and family, family vacations
_always_ trump other "fun-to-dos".  Especially if we haven't had a vacation
lately.  Question for you to research: Is it _legal_ where you are, for an
11yo to operate a boat?  I have my doubts.  Finally, once a commitment is
made, my children are/will be required to keep it.  So if SS was given the
choice, and said yes to the camping trip, that would be it.

If I'm not being clear enough, if this were my SS, he would be going on the
camping trip, no doubts whatsoever.  (And by the way, that's true whichever
parent were planning the trip.)  You might offer your SS the next weekend
with his father (um, can't they boat then?), but my position would be that
he committed to the trip, that he could boat another time with dad.
(Assuming the driving thing were legal, if it weren't, then your wife should
be having a convo with her ex about the appropriateness of that.)

Sorry you are having a hard time, stepparenting does suck sometimes, and
you're in an especially tough emotional situation...

rebecca

guys.  His father just see's him on the weekends and spoils him. We allowed
him to stay at his fathers for a whole month this summer and this week end
really means a lot to me.

<de-lurk>
I'm curious.  Does bio-dad see his son every weekend or was this to be
bio-dad's weekend with his son (if he get's every other wknd visits)?

When we were able to see my SS, we got the weekends, just as your ss's bio
dad does.  We really treasured those weekends and tried to do as much as we
could, which could be called "spoiling", as you mention.   My ss's mom had
so much more time to do what she wanted with their son such as vacations,
fun things, etc.  My dh really hated giving up his weekends.

him he changed his mind again, he wanted to go camping with us. >Well his
father told him if he is saying that just to make other people >happy, he
should only do what makes him happy. This kind of hurts >me, he is teaching
his son to not worry how others feel and do only >what is best for you.
Complete different values that I instill in my >children.

Well, unfortunately, your ss was put in a position to hurt either you or his
bio dad.  An 11 yr old shouldn't have to worry about your being hurt, or his
dad being hurt.  So yes, I DO agree that he should do what makes HIM happy!!
Now, you've got a situation where your ss knows he's going to hurt somebody
with either decision he makes.

let him go a little. It is very painful.

Sounds like there is a story there.  Of course you have to adjust, so did
your ss.

Unfortunately, my dh's wishes and wants were put on the back burner ALOT
because bio-mom and step-dad wanted *their* time with my ss, and that took
precedence over bio-dad, my dh.  I guess I can't be objective, eh?

Pat  <re-lurking>

Dear Need Advice,
I am also a "step parent" of two girls. My husband and I have been married
for three years and I still am not comfortable with the "step" word. The
only thing that comes to mind is the evil step mother in all of the fairy
tales. To me I am another parent to my girls. This now seems to be a
problem with their mother as she is living with a man and she wants them
to have a relationship with him and she wants me to change my relationship
with them. We have had many different struggles along the way, all of
which we have managed to resolve for the explicit wellbeing of the girls
and I can honestly say that all of the adults in this situation need to
stop worrying about each other's feelings and start to look at how the
children are feeling. Both sets of parents need to participate in ALL of
the children's activities and set their personal feelings and differences
aside. I have been to a number of events and programs in which our girls
have participated and we may all not get along but we are there to support
our girls. My thinking is that my husband and his ex are no longer married
for whatever reason but he did not divorce his kids. He has chosen a new
relationship but he does not exclude his children and they seem to be
better for this. They have another person that they are able to talk to
when they need to and this can only help them, not hurt them. This is not
to say that it all started this way, by no means, but it has taken some
hard work and many a compromise to get here but this just is another life
lesson that we have lived. I have always been an advocate for children and
they need as many "ears" and open arms as they can find in these difficult
times of growing up. Please find the time, no matter how much crow you
need to swallow, and make your family a stronger unit. If you fail to do
this then I am afraid that your children will suffer in the long run. If
your spouse does not support you in this then maybe you can make time to
be with the children alone. Good luck to you in you struggle.