Family Forum / Parenting / Step Parents / September 2004

In a previous article, chris_1547@webtv.net (Chris W) said:

Every biomom here understands.  Some of us know what that feels like.

An awful lot depends on where you are, the family courts in your area.
Some are very progressive, and protective of fathers' rights, others
are not and cling to the notion that mothers are more important to
kids than fathers.

I would hope, however, that if you ever were divorced, you would
realize how extremely important fathers are to kids, and that you'd
want your child to have as much contact as possible with her dad.
It's your job to facilitate a good relationship between your child and
a separated Dad (and it's his job to facilitate the child's
relationship with you, too), and to do that you each have to love your
child more than you hate each other.

If a stepmother came into your child's life, remember that, since you
are a sane, involved and loving mother to your child, the stepmother
will never usurp your position as Mom.  Knowing that will allow you to
be generous with your child; it's *good* for your child to have
another adult woman who loves her.  If you are an effective coparent
with your child's father, then the stepmom isn't going to have to try
to fill your shoes.  She's the adult woman and authority figure in her
home, along with your child's father, but she's not your child's
mother, and she won't have to try to be.  She can be the person she
uniquely is, your child's stepmom; not inferior, or "fake" but with
her own position and value for your child.

If your husband wanted 50/50 and he's a good dad, you can be happy
that he wants to stay that involved.

Vicki

I ''am'' very happily married and not planning a divorce in

BUT I just have these ''what if '' feelings all the time..

================================

Well, I guess, first, stop borrowing trouble.  If you aren't having marital
problems, it doesn't matter what kind of custody your husband might get.

That being said, one full-time child, one half-time child and one visiting
child - holy cow, what a nice and stressful mix for you!  Is your husband
actively parenting?  I know that one of the things we juggle, with a 2 yo
and an almost 9 yo, is going from a single child to two regularly.  I
confess to the occasional twinge that my baby is losing some attention from
his dad, who is a very active parent to the almost 9 yo when he's here.  And
the 9 yo is very conscious of how I treat him, versus how I treat his
half-brother.  And then, with the age spread, it isn't like we can have them
do the same activity and stay all together, either.  So there's a lot of
handing off, and single parent-like stuff when both kids are home.  It can
be pretty stressful, compared to the days when it's just the 3 of us - mom,
dad, and baby.

I imagine you guys are always transitioning one way or another, so maybe
your divorce fantasy is a reflection of your wish for less turbulence?  And
your fear of a stepmom for your daughter, well, does that come from the hard
feelings you have about your stepkids sometimes?

The answer to your question is, if you divorced, you and your husband would
work something out, that reflected both your own needs, and the needs of the
baby.  If one or both of you couldn't do that, you would end up in court,
wasting your daughter's college fund, creating animosity that will take
years to dissipate (if ever), and probably ending up - both of you - pissed
off at the result.

Cynical, moi?

rebecca

Hopefully for your sake and your child's you'll never have to find out.

situation? In my state the rarely award sole custody to the father, or
even 50/50 but they would definitely give the father visitation rights,
as in overnight stays during the week and every other weekend and
alternate holidays. It would absolutely, positively drive me nuts to
have to give my child over to spend time with some other woman but I
guess people must anticipate that a situation like that might arise when
they get divorced. Obviously that's not the issue here but it's probably
best not to worry about it.

Wendy