Conflicting Parenting Styles

Thread view:

Enable EMail Alerts

Start New Thread

Thread rating:

Kelly - 14 Oct 2004 11:12 GMT

I am interested to know how you all workaround or accommodate the different
parenting styles that happen in Shared custody homes.. My SO has a 10 year old
son that we have generally one night per weekend and for half the school
holidays.. He is a fairly good and well adjusted to his family life as his
parents have been separated since he was about 6 months old..
The parenting style of his BM who he lives with, IMO leaves a lot to be
desired - I could go on for ages about the things that tic me off, but I won't
bore you.. (Bit of background we are in NSW Australia - there is actual Family
Court order custody arrangement - SO's legal advice that he received was that
the visitation she was allowing him was better than what he would get if he took
her to court and it would just cost him money)..

Anyway to get to the point.. The BM does not put a high priority on School or
homework and will write notes excusing son from not handing in homework etc as
he hasn't done it.. Both SO and I think it is wrong.. She also refuses to help
him with his homework or assignments and demands that we don't help him.. I
think they need some help, I am not suggesting doing it for him, but I take him
to the library and when he has trouble try and phrase it in a different way he
may understand.. The most deplorable thing is recently we took him on a 2 week
holiday to see his paternal grandparents. His mother called daily and kept
telling him she had bought him something he had always wanted, what she bought
him was a Swiss Army Knife - the child is 10 and it is illegal for anyone under
16 in our state to possess one of these..

How do you deal with parenting styles that are different without having too much
conflict?? How can we express our opinions and have them enforced somehow when
we are the non custodial parents?? Or am I just dreaming thinking there should
be some sort of compromise??

If you are still reading thanks, sorry it was so long winded and a bit
confusing, but that is my mind at the moment..

Signature

Kelly

Reply to this Message

Tracey - 14 Oct 2004 17:52 GMT

> How do you deal with parenting styles that are different without having too much
> conflict??

Generally, you can't.

>How can we express our opinions and have them enforced somehow when
> we are the non custodial parents??

Generally, you can't. But, in a strange sort of way, it's a good thing
because it doesn't go the other way, too. (I.e., she can't have HER
opinions enforced in YOUR household.)

>Or am I just dreaming thinking there should be some sort of compromise??

Just to be nitpicking here, you're not asking for a compromise. You're
wanting the BM to follow your parenting style.

Tracey

Reply to this Message

Amy Lou - 15 Oct 2004 10:36 GMT

> How do you deal with parenting styles that are different without having
> too much
[quoted text clipped - 3 lines]
> should
> be some sort of compromise??

G'day Kelly.

The only way to really compromise in a situation like this is to agree that
you cannot expect the other parent to enforce your rules and visa versa. The
child simply learns to live to one set of rules at one house and another set
of rules at the other house. You will have much less conflict if you realise
that you can only control what happens in your own household. In the overall
scheme of things kids don't suffer any harm from living like this.

You might feel that not helping with homework and allowing a kid to have a
swiss army knife are wrong or bad parenting decisions but the thing is
parenting is far bigger than that. Its not so much the individual rules that
help a child to grow into a decent person, but the reasons behind the rules.
If you think about it the BM loves her son, wants him to learn to think for
himself, wants him to learn responsibity etc. All good things really. In
other words don't sweat the small stuff. The important thing is that you can
all work at raising the child in a conflict free environment knowing that,
even though there are different rules and opinions, everyone has the same
aim - to produce a healthy, responsible, capable and happy young man.

Amy

Reply to this Message

Family Forum / Parenting / Step Parents / October 2004

Conflicting Parenting Styles