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Family Forum / Parenting / Step Parents / December 2004Resources
Often, I see advice offered recommending various reading materials on "step-parenting". Given the fact I have recently been labeled the wicked stepmother (who knew I'd be in a fairytale? HA), I am searching for book recommendations on blending/step families. I'm a reader and have some vacation time coming! Our newest frustration: My 15 year old step-daughter has cancelled 3 outta 4 of the last weekends with us and private Daddy/daughter date nights... much to the confusion of all (his and mine). We've done the therapy, direct communication, and Daddy alone time. During counseling, SD shares that she feels she's "losing" her Daddy and wants to see him more often yet makes plans with friends or just doesn't return calls or messages confirming pickup times. I don't want to force myself or my children on her, and am aware of the need for time and the power in waiting, but am disheartened when I see how this is hurting her Dad. Any resources or "how-to" manuels you may suggest will be appreciated! Any good books that could teach me what I need to know before I make SD scrub the floors and cook all the meals? (humor!) Thank you, Jenna >Often, I see advice offered recommending various reading materials on >"step-parenting". Given the fact I have recently been labeled the wicked >stepmother (who knew I'd be in a fairytale? HA), I am searching for book >recommendations on blending/step families. I'm a reader and have some >vacation time coming! I liked The Enlightened Stepmother. It was suggested to me when I first came to ASSP and really helped me get a grip on things. >Our newest frustration: >My 15 year old step-daughter has cancelled 3 outta 4 of the last weekends [quoted text clipped - 7 lines] >need for time and the power in waiting, but am disheartened when I see how >this is hurting her Dad. Part of that is probably just her age. At 15 she's probably spending less time with both of her parents, and has other priorities. Love, Melissa "We're in fourth grade Jimmy we don't even know what ethical means." -Eric Cartman In a previous article, laaria@aol.comNOSPAM (Melissa) said: >Part of that is probably just her age. At 15 she's probably spending less time >with both of her parents, and has other priorities. I'm guessing that she's also testing her father, too. If she cancels often enough, will he stop calling, or does he really want to see her? She's trying to get an answer to that question. How is your husband's relationship with her mother? Vicki  SignaturePower may be justly compared to a great river; while kept within its bounds it is both beautiful and useful, but when it overflows its banks, it is then too impetuous to be stemmed; it bears down all before it, and brings destruction and desolation wherever it goes." -- Alexander Hamilton. Thanx Melissa, I'll pick up the book this weekend, I NEED enlightening. Vicki, Just recently, the BM and Dad have had a disagreement on homeschooling. He says no, mom says yes. The final decision will be made in court next month. (We've seen homeschooling work before but not when Mom works 3 days a week outside of the house.) This is the first time, in 4 divorced years they have not seen eye to eye on medical, educational, and religious issues concerning their daughter. I see your point about Dad not giving up, but he says he doesn't want his D to be here (with us) and even alone time if she doesn't want to. Not sure how much he'll push. Thanks for the advice. Jenna > Thanx Melissa, > [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > month. (We've seen homeschooling work before but not when Mom works 3 days > a week outside of the house.) There is a mom among our homeschooling friends who works outside the home at least half the week. her kids are also older, like your SD, and it works well for them. My kids are younger, and special needs, so it would not be workable for me. It can work, with specific routines and responsibilities. Part of homeschooling, especially at your SD's age, is more than just academics. It's life skills and becoming prepared to be an adult. We know homeschooled teens who finish their "school" stuff by 11:00 a.m., and then go off to their job in the workforce, which has enabled them to first, help pay toward their own college, and second, be much, much more prepared for the routines and attitudes necessary as an adult worker. They also become more adept at time/study/ finance management, which serves them quite well in college. Your husband might want to be more open to all the possibilities this can bring to his daughter. :-) Lori >There is a mom among our homeschooling friends who works outside the home at >least half the week. her kids are also older, like your SD, and it works [quoted text clipped - 10 lines] >possibilities this can bring to his daughter. :-) >Lori My son's former GF did this homeschooling program for high school: http://www.keystonehighschool.com/ Her mom worked full time outside the home, so she was on her own. Last I heard, it was working out for her, but my son lost touch with her awhile back so I don't know how well she stuck with it. She was very self-motivated at the time, which is vital for this program. Deb R. >Our newest frustration: >My 15 year old step-daughter has cancelled 3 outta 4 of the last weekends [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] >"losing" her Daddy and wants to see him more often yet makes plans with >friends or just doesn't return calls or messages confirming pickup times. Sounds a lot like my SD (or how she used to be - she's 19 now). Part of it certainly is her age. In SD's case, though, I think part of it was a result of genuinely mixed feelings. On the one hand, she really missed her dad and wanted to see him. On the other hand, she was royally p.o'd at him, and wanted to punish him for it. I think, for her, the absolutely critical thing was that Dad kept trying to see her, even in the face of all the blame and rejection. I may be projecting BS from my own childhood; but it seems to me part of what was really important to her was that her dad wasn't going to cut her off, even if she was as big a b*tch to him as she knew how to be. I can say cautiously that things are a little bit better now; but it took YEARS, and we're a long way off from things being more than carefully cordial. All I can suggest is that you try not to let it make you crazy, which I know is hard when you feel like you're in a no-win situation. Liz Signaturelizb@world.std.com "No problem of human destiny is beyond human beings. Man's reason and spirit have often solved the seemingly unsolvable - and we believe they can do it again." -- John F. Kennedy, 6/10/1963 Thank you for your insight! Yes, I have seen homeschool be a successful program full of new experiences and dynamic lessons! I've seen kids get psyched about learning! However, this is not the case for my SD. She sleeps till 2pm, wakes to play on the computer or video games for hours alone, Mom comes home and they do reading and discussion of current events. There is an assignment, usually something artsy or political SD is interested in. Stays up till 4-5 am playing on the computer some more and watching movies, after the rest of the household is in bed. Friends are few now and outside activities are null. She's practically a hermit, living in the basement, often not wanting to interact with anyone in either family. (BM threatened to get her to join the Thanksgiving dinner.) The intentions were good, but there is little follow through. The field trips have not been taken, SD quit Kung Fu (her only socialization) and lacks any self-motivation, this she admits herself. SD is at odds with Mom over evaluation of writing pieces. One comment I read on a history paper, "Mom, I hate you, I am not changing that sentence, it is fine the way it is." So, DD and I see homeschooling as a negative. SD is grouchy and tired most of the day. The counselor has recommended her going to bed at 11:00 pm at the latest, but this has not been the routine at SD home. So, the disagreement goes on and I am certain this is part of the issue with SD not wanting to join Dad or us. We don't harp on it, we enjoy hanging together (when she shows up) and will let the courts decide on her education. At any rate, I'm still looking for any reading materials one may recommend to help with my adjustment. Thanx, Jenna |
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