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Family Forum / Parenting / Step Parents / March 2005Is it ME or HIM??
Hello my name is Helene and I decided to try and find a support group because I am going nuts sometimes... And last night I really lost it. It was the first time but I am sure it will happend again now that he won... I just turned 40 last november and I know my days are counted. I was lucky to find the greatest man in the world when I turned 36... He was so great I wondered why he was still available, never married in a church etc. He told me right away he had an 8 year old son that has behavior problems and was seeing a psychatric and was on medecin for his problems. The is NOT hyper active he is just NUTS at times. I have a daughter who was 7 when we met so that was ok with me. We both had never been married (me never but him once in court) so we got married 3 months later in December 2000 and he has been the greatest husband ever since. The only reason he was alone was that people all left him because of HIS SON... His son tried stuff sometimes but his real problem is he just wont obay when you tell him stuff. I suggested to my husband to get him off his medecin a year or so ago and he only gets them occasionnaly now because he was getting side effects which was not pleasent. I think his problem is not his mental problems I think his true problem is he is spoiled. He has so many game stuff in his room he is getting tired of them, nintendo, game cube, internet and now he just got cable in his room. He is 12 years old now. My daughter has cable that's it. So anyhow last night I told him NOT to lay down on the caught to watch tv. He shows that to our oldest son Nicholas who is 3 now and Nick does it and so when his little brother Even, 21 months wants to watch TV with him Nick kicks him and he cries... so I put a longer cough so there would be more room and now Andrew (my ss) has been spending more time in our livingroom watching OUR TV since I put the larger cought there. Even though he has everything in his room. So I left a while and came back after supper and repeated again NOT to laydown on the cought to just sit so I could now sit with my kids there too... He just decided he WOULDN'T... so I physically took him off and sad there myself so I could sit there with Evander and Our baby girl Valerie, 8 months now. But he just came back to sit there with ME... can you believe how blunt this was. Absolutly no respect... I told him to go to his room and he said NO... he just kept on getting closer to sit with me and I did not allow that. I stopped him with my arm but he kept on trying and trying. So I kept pushing him with my arm and then tried to have him farther so I used my leg ... he just kept on coming back... so I got up and draged him on the stairs and put the baby gate... NOT that it would have stopped him I know. I kept trying to push him away but he just kept on coming back each daring me to do something so I kept on pushing him. I am surprised he never faught back... he just let himself get pushed and just came right back for more you know just like a boxer... It was as if he wanted to test me to my limits... like if he wanted me to kill him or something. My poor babies they were both crying and my daugther 11 years old was so scared... My husband forgot his cell phone so we had no way of communicating with him that normally works. So he grabed the gate and started swinging it towards me... I had my baby girl in a walker... it would have been so dangerous to let him get violent that I draged him outside the house and since he was still refusing to stay away from me I pushed him and he fell down on the eyes... Then he took our outside statuette and destroyed it against the door and busted the door and we are only renting the place. Then I remebered he didnt have his boots so I put them outside for him. My husband got home maybe 5 minutes after. We are in Canada and it is cold in the winter luckily it was not bad lastnight. I tried to find his jacket but so rarely puts it on I didn't find it. So my husband comes in furiout (but never screams) and he blames me... would not have anything to do with me just consoled his son... brougth him supper in his bedroom (when he had told me he was NOT hungry) and just stayed away from me. He always does that, he just goes do whatever he can to avoid any discussion. Later we talked and he blames me saying I am the adult here. Anyhow I was in the bath thinking this through wandering what I could do and I tough of it. I told my husband he has to make sure I have an area where HE IS NOT allowed in so I can be with my kids at peace when I don't want to see HIS face. I think that is good wouldn't you think?? I mean if I had a place to go with my kids when he refuses to listen to me I can just go there with them and not have to face him... We also have problems with my daughter and she is pretty blunt also with him but I always punish her for not being respecful... my husband says it still doesn't work but at least I don't just do nothing. He said he talked to him etc... but I know he will get nothing for punishments... what is wrong... is it me or what?? I am just afraid that if we split, my husband will have custody of all my babies (3) and I don't want to loose them. He was saying it was so cold etc and Andrew fell and he hurt himself. Well I didn't mean for him to get hurt and about being cold I said he was there just about 5 minutes and I told him I can go outside with my socks and no jackets for 5 min if he wanted me too. It was about I would say -15 or -20 degree celcius here last night. So he dared me to try it he said I would not last one minute. Well I did it. I went outside for about 5 minutes bare sucks and it was cold but my mind had a point to make... I did it. So my husband made me a tea told me to go and take a bath etc... He was smiling that was nice. Oh boy if I could only have someone I could talk to when I am upset... thanks for reading... Hmmm.. I have some knowledge of your plight. My SS is 6 1/2 half but surely diagnosable as Oppositional Defiant Disorder and if nothing is done soon he'll meet the criteria for conduct disorder - you know he is starting to do really mean things to my 15 month old son and he has NO remorse whatsoever, he adamantly denies doing things that we have actually watched him do. SS is in need of some serious structure and limit setting. My boyfriend is never consistent and SS's attitude is getting worse and worse, His mother knows he needs helpl but she is depressed and unmotivated and has not done anything about it. I just want his to be happy, the tension in the house to dissapate a bit and for SS to set a better example for his little brother. I get SO EXTREMELY angry but I must say that when your husband says thatyou are the adult he is right. Getting into power struggles with your SS will only makes things more difficult. And it is not at all productive. Although it is very difficult, I suggest you never lay hands on your SS in a disciplinary manner. You are not his biological parent and you have no right to do so. When I lose my temper and stoop to the level of arguing with SS it brings SO much more stress to the situation and makes everything so much worse. our children DO learn by the example we set for them, and it sound like you and SS are feeding off of each other and in the meantime, you are alienating your husband. Like it or not, rational or not,. your husband feels like he has to make up for things with your SS and I think that is where some of this lack of limit setting or providing consequences comes from. So often, I have the desire to leave because I can't stand being around my SS. I HATE having feelings like that but I am only human. The important thing is how I handle those feelings. If I get really angry I go out for a while and let things cool off. A short term solution - but it can prevent very bad things. You and your husband absolutely need to seek professional help if you want this to work out. The resentment has built up too much and it will be next to impossible to work these issues out without professional mediation. Your husband needs to set and enforce limits and you need to take a step back and stop stooping to SS's level. At the same time you both need to get the feelings you are having out in the open and learn to communicate effectively with each other. As for custody, I highly doubt that he would get custody of your children. He would undoubtedly get visitation rights though (again I have the same fears, which ultimately keep me where I am) How is your relationship with your husband??? How is your husbands relationship with your children??? Can it all be salvaged? Do you want to make things better? Do get some professional advice. These situaions have a way of getting to the point that we get so mad we can't see the forrest for the trees and then the downward spiral is so steep... Again, I am not meaning to be judgmental but I have learned that my own behavior as a parent and SM has a huge impact on how SS behaves. Sometimes we don't act like adults and we always need to. Kids learn by example. Wow thank you so much everyone for your suggestions... It really helped me see it differently. A bit more about us. My husband is a wonderful husband and an "almost" perfect parent. He is so calm all the time, never screams and smiles every time I get mad he comes and gives me a hug... and it works. He doesn't so much say it but he hates my daughter. She is not very nice to him and doesn't listen to him all the time, plus she is rude with everyone. I try to teach her and it works after a screaming fit she comes out and appoligies... She just started a new thing 2 days ago when I star to raise my voice because I am upset at what she is doing she does like my husband now she comes over and gives me a hug and it works wonders... SS's mother called yesterday and since she likes to talk to much I decided to ask her what SHE does when ss is acting up. She has MY character and will NOT let people walk over her so I though it might help. And actually she was very helpful. She explained to me what Andrew's problem is because SHE has the same problem... he is not NUTs like I think he is Emotionaly Challenged or something, she had the right words anyways. His problem is emotionaly he gets all vibrant at times and needs to move or change place like if he is in school he would need to get out of classes sometimes but since they don't allow him he is kicked out of school for a day... We are lucky he was violent at first when he was 8 but now he never is violent unless you provoke him like my daughter does sometimes and she deserves it I would say. SS's mother also says it is tough for him with all the babies and he misses his dad and he reacts... that makes sence... I know he is a good kid, he sometimes is better then my daughter... I make sure NEVER to tell him anything what to do when my husband is here... he takes care of him fully so we normally never fight. And we become mouthy very rarely he normally goes to his room on his own. Maybe things will get back to normal. My relationship with hubby and I is great. He has a lot of attention for me his only problem is he is very NEGATIVE ... it comes from his mother... so like lets say I want to go some place with the kids he says oh its too much trouble and is not happy. Or if I do scrapbooking he says stuff like "scrapbooking stuff again!!" . If I am happy with my daughter and am having fun with her he seams to be jealous so bad. Like one time I told her to use my camera to take pictures of his birthday so I could be in the pictures too. He was not happy and so he gave the camera to his son to take pictures too. That was totally childish. My daughter loves taking pictures and his son couldn't care less. If I hug her or something or show affection he laugh at me mocking. But I am not going to leave my husband because of the ss and my daughter. I tell her that soon she will be gone and HE will be with me still and that if I leave him I won't find better and am getting older, I have other children etc. The relationship with hubby and our kids is good except my oldest son with him he is 3year old and just like me so we fight a bit. He can be so mean, I think he needs corrections at times but my husband just lets him do what ever so he is getting worse but he still has a good heard. No need to say Nick wants his dad and NOT his mother. But I think later it might change. I am the fun one of the group. I like to go otu do things and enjoy life, my husband likes stability, staying home in a cosy place, he doesn't like any social activities, he doesn't like family visits etc. If I coudl I would out see people all the time. I am french and he is english I think that's the difference... we french people are so much closer to people then english people can be I have been told... I don't know. Anyhow thanks everyone for your help. SS's monther is taking him to the doctor to see if he can get other kind of medecin like she is on which works and I am tring to convince my hubby to go to councelling ... I really want this mariage to work... noone will live with me I am very hard to please and live with :) have a nice day helene Helene, It is so nice that you have such a great realtionship with your husband. He seems to do a lot of the immature things with your SS that I see mine do with my SS but your husband seems to have a really good attitude in general and that is what will get you guys through. I think my SS gets a lot of his attitude and behavior from his father who TRULY sets a poor example. He disrespects me in front of SS and that is something I am having a very hard time with because lately it seems like he acts that way to strengthen his relationship with SS but he is too stupid and immature to realize that he is adding fuel to the fire where SS disrespecting me is concerned. Duh... men. I have started really putting my foot down though. It is great that your husband parents your SS because in this house there are no limits or rules unless I set and enforce them and then I get the "well I just don't need to listen to you, you're not the boss, daddy is" crap and that is when I have to count to ten because all of me wants to smack him upside the head. I think you and hubby seem to be doing a great job over all. As long as your hubby consistently sets and enforces limits with SS, and you do the same with your daughter, the SC will eventually understand that they need to respect and cooperate with all adults in the house - biological parents or not. Hmmm... so SS's mom is on medicine too?? That is pretty significant... is SS diagnosis similar to hers? have they considered bi-polar disorder??? In kids it manifests itself a lot differently than in adults. Well good luck. Be happy in that you've got a pretty darn good hubby there it sounds. I think you guys will be just fine. How long have you been together/married??? Sara Hi again Sara, We have dated for 3 months or so and then got married. The reason I didnt' want to wait is that I was 36 and wanted more children and I was not going to move into anybody's house who didn't want to commit. So he did. I explained to him when we first met (on our first date actually, lucky I didnt loose him then) that I had a lot of problems and I was not a good mother. I even cried so much I was sincere and I though and he though also he could help me be this good person but we are failing. Now that his son is testing the territory more and more like calling me Bitch almost daily and gets no consequence for it, we are not doing too good. Today I just told him NOT to use MY phone in his bedroom cause then I look for it all over and he called me Bitch over that. It didn't upset me I though to myself he is in his moods again but the bad thing is he was on the phone with HIS MOTHER and she kicked off. Instead of opening the other phone and giving me MY phone back he hung up on HIS mother so imagine how kicked off she was. She called my husband at work to give him crap and so he called me to give me crap and of course I am the bad guy again. So we had a huge fight again he says he is afraid of leaving HIS son alone with me. "MY GOD" what am I going to do to the kid... we have no guns or anything its not like I am phycho or something. So he thinks it would be better if he leaves with his son... So of course I won tonight but for how long. SS was picked up by his "MAD" mother tonight as she though SS was in danger boy oh boy ... My husband was NOT helping me at all. He just says everything is MY fault and then he went as far as saying it was MY DAUGHTER's fault. I just told him to stop it right there and walked away. I think we are going to end up seperated. I always have to convince him to stay, he seams to really want to leave me. Love doesn't seam to be there you know!!! He says he is tired of seeing me get mad and scream at the kids, he is right I get mad a lot, I am very frustrated he doesn't do anything to correct our 3 year old who hits and is not respectful. Of course I am not better when I raise my voice... I would not mind going for help but ONLY if HE went also. I mean marriage counseling you know not just me as a lunatic... Oh well not sure how we will end up. thanks for all your help. Helene I would > not mind going for help but ONLY if HE went also. I mean marriage > counseling you know not just me as a lunatic... Go anyway. For God's sake just go. H In a previous article, "heather m." <heathermcewen@sbcglobal.net> said: >I would >> not mind going for help but ONLY if HE went also. I mean marriage >> counseling you know not just me as a lunatic... > >Go anyway. For God's sake just go. I agree. Counseling isn't an admission of personal failure, it doesn't brand you as a lunatic. You go to a counselor the same way you go to a doctor; there's a pain somewhere that isn't yielding to aspirin. Go to the expert to help you figure out how to heal it. Psychotherapy has saved my life on more than one occasion. And I'm not nuts, I was just stuck in some very difficult life situations. Go. You'll find it very helpful with the right therapist. Vicki  SignaturePower may be justly compared to a great river; while kept within its bounds it is both beautiful and useful, but when it overflows its banks, it is then too impetuous to be stemmed; it bears down all before it, and brings destruction and desolation wherever it goes." -- Alexander Hamilton. Helene, I've got to agree with Heather and Vicki and say go to therapy anyway. That is the step I am taking and hopefully after I acclimate myself I will get the family to join in. I know I am at the point where my negative feelings are just too overwhelming to manage on my own. Perhaps your DH will see this as a positive step and want to try harder. umm..... and the ex wife??? She seems to be a real dramatic pain in the a.s. Yes the ex was a real pain this week boy... she rushed over thinking she had to rescue her son because I told him to change phone... everyone was in a panic and so of course I was the bad guy again so I got really upset again but not at SS but at my husband for NOT supporting me at all but believing ex and ss over me. So SS was at his mom's for the rest of the week no school anything. He is back now. He is so depressed poor kid. He told his dad "I hate waking up in the morning knowing I have to go to school" (he hates school) and added "and I hate to ear the bell at school ring cause I know I have to go home"!!! Boy that was heartbreaking. He gets home before his dad for about one hour... The reason I am afraid of counselling is that if we do seperate I think he will use that in court for costedy... if I need help a judge would probably not let me keep my kids. Boy my husband didn't care having kids or not its me who wanted them all (3) they would not even be there without me. I could not bare live without them... We did go to councelling at first with my daughter and me and my husband cause she is not always good. And the first doctor said it was "MY" fault. The next guy said it was "daughter's" fault and then the last doctor said it was my "husband's" fault... nothing was salved of course. But you are all right. How do you go see a councellor without any money though? Maybe my husband's work would pay for it?? He works at the government for now but it hasn't been long. Do you think it could help me? I do get in rage at times but its because "hubby" doesn't want to hear my side of the story. It happends everyday with our kids too. We don't get in bad fights though just little ones and then he comes to me telling me sorry that I was right... But I think there is never total right or wrong its always the point of view... if I do go see somebody what can he do to help... I don't get it... I will just empty my bag on him and then be more furious :( Hubby did say he didn't want to loose me or his son this week and that he loved me... that was nice. I just don't want my 3 babies to say later in life "oh ya I visited mom or dad this weekend it was ok"... I dont' want to have a split family cause one day they will be ALL grown up and I AM GOING TO BE THE ONE ALONE. Noone will support me that's for sure I am so hard to live with just like my dad I guess :) Shouldn't say that I guess I am a grown up too and should be responsible enough I know. I just don't want to loose my husband but how can I face SS... I just don't know... thanks everyone that was very helpful. Helene > The reason I am afraid of counselling is that if we do seperate I think > he will use that in court for costedy... if I need help a judge would > probably not let me keep my kids. No, no, no, and no some more. You're about as wrong as it's possible to get. Jess Breathe, girl, breathe. You show concern for your SS. That is great! Counseling might give you some insight on what he is thinking or maybe how he is feeling, that will help you relate to and understand him better. It can give you a new perspective on a lot of things, especially your family and yourself and how you are dealing with everything. Nobody is perfect, just keep trying and try not to get too frustrated with your SS and your DD and the little kids. Your SS sounds REALLY depressed. If it were me, I would be doing something pronto. To hate your home life and your school or work life at the same time is just awful, and worse for kids because they really don't have a choice. I would be looking for ways to communicate with him and help him. Heather > Yes the ex was a real pain this week boy... she rushed over thinking > she had to rescue her son because I told him to change phone... [quoted text clipped - 47 lines] > > Helene > Wow thank you so much everyone for your suggestions... > It really helped me see it differently. . If I hug > her or something or show affection he laugh at me mocking. But I am not > going to leave my husband because of the ss and my daughter. I tell her > that soon she will be gone and HE will be with me still and that if I > leave him I won't find better and am getting older, I have other > children etc. That's a horrible thing to say to your daughter! I know my daughter is paying a high price for all this. The good thing is she is really trying to gain my love by making me tea or anything else my husband does for me. We have fun when he is gone even with SS. When he is back I have to just do whatever. I sometimes get angry and say something but he can't change for long. SS is back on medication now he was doign so bad in school they were going to expell him cause he would just to to any classes go under the desk and yap just like a dog can you believe that!!! So he had a good day today. We did see a councellor at first with her and 3 different ones and they all said something different so we stopped we were more confused then anything else so I am trying to make her go see her dad so she gets a break or send her to my mother's in the summer. WE cannot afford private school for sure and SS will NOT live without his dad anywhere. I guess we are just doing the best we can... I just have to get better and more supportive of my daughter that would be good. thanks everyone again. You really help me. helene > I know my daughter is paying a high price for all this. The good thing > is she is really trying to gain my love by making me tea or anything > else my husband does for me. That's not a good thing, that a child thinks they have to do things for a parent so they will love them. :(((((( Tracey >> I know my daughter is paying a high price for all this. The good thing >> is she is really trying to gain my love by making me tea or anything >> else my husband does for me. > > That's not a good thing, that a child thinks they have to do things > for a parent so they will love them. :(((((( Right. A child should NOT feel they have to "earn" their parents love. They should know they *are* loved. This poor child is being trained to have bad relationships in the future, too. What happens when she gets a little older and meets an abusive man who wants her to act like a servant? She may not see anything wrong with that, since she has grown up thinking she has to "serve" for people to love her. She's being set up for a lifetime of misery. > That's not a good thing, that a child thinks they have to do things > for a parent so they will love them. :(((((( I couldn't agree more. She's trying desperately to prove that she can make her mother happy without her husband, and she's only going to end up failing. Imagine what *that'll* do to her self-worth. lil I think about that all the time also. I don't know what to do about her acting like that. I do tell her about boys and what they might do ect but she can be so stubburn she won't listen to anything. SS is back from his mom's week of march break oh boy he is bad. But I am staing out of his way. I have no clue what to do for my dauther to be happy. I am NOT Leaving my husband. It seams to be what most people would like me to do here and I won't do that boy oh no. helene > I am NOT Leaving > my husband. It seams to be what most people would like me to do here > and I won't do that boy oh no. You wouldn't be the first parent in the world that allows the other parent/step-parent to abuse and use and mistreat their child. SignatureCal~ Calinda dot Letter S at Gmail dot com In a previous article, "secaly" <secaly@yahoo.com> said: >I have no clue what to do for my dauther to be happy. I am NOT Leaving >my husband. It seams to be what most people would like me to do here >and I won't do that boy oh no. If your husband were beating your daughter with his fists, would you leave? Look, it's your decision to stay or go or try any of a million options in between. But understand that your child is being hurt daily, and that you are allowing it to happen. Your child is going to bear scars until she is an old woman, because you are allowing your husband to "despise" her and you are allowing him to express that to her directly, and you are not protecting her. Your one paramount job as the mother of a minor child is to giver her the best foundation you can for her future life, and that's a lot more complicated than just feeding and clothing her. You've made your choice. You're willing to sacrifice your child for your marriage. That's your choice to make. But don't expect me to tell you that's OK. I think it stinks. Vicki SignaturePower may be justly compared to a great river; while kept within its bounds it is both beautiful and useful, but when it overflows its banks, it is then too impetuous to be stemmed; it bears down all before it, and brings destruction and desolation wherever it goes." -- Alexander Hamilton. > I have no clue what to do for my dauther to be happy. I am NOT Leaving > my husband. It seams to be what most people would like me to do here > and I won't do that boy oh no. Not me. I don't believe in black and white advice. What I would like is for you to accept the fact that you are destroying your own daughter by allowing your husband to behave the way he does towards her. I'd like you to understand that her life will not begin fresh the moment she leaves your house. I'd like you to appreciate that you are inflicting scars that will not ever fully heal - scars that will affect her and every relationship she has with *anybody* - including you - for the rest of her life. That's what I'd like. Because you ask for advice and help, but just keep talking over everything that people tell you - ignorantly insisting that everything will be wonderful the moment the kids leave. Believe me, sweetheart, it's when the kids are out and free to say and do as they wish that all of this will start coming back at you with a vengeance. It will work in your favour if you have an answer other than, "Why are you still worried about it?" Although, personally, I'm betting that your "perfect" marriage doesn't make it to her 18th birthday. lil im on you could message me well i would try punish him now this is horribel Helene, Counseling is a GOOD thing. i am a social worker in child welfare and believe me we consider seeking help a STRENGTH - not a weakness. A judge would be glad to see you have sought support in the form of counseling. Also there is free counseling out there but if you have insurabce through your husbands employer it should be covered. Sara In a previous article, "Sara" <sinderella775@yahoo.com> said: >Counseling is a GOOD thing. i am a social worker in child welfare and >believe me we consider seeking help a STRENGTH - not a weakness. A >judge would be glad to see you have sought support in the form of >counseling. Also there is free counseling out there but if you have >insurabce through your husbands employer it should be covered. That's debatable. My insurance (which is very good insurance as it goes these days) only covers crisis intervention, and even then it's only 50% for 20 sessions. It doesn't cover marital or personal counseling at all. If you attend a church, pastors can be quite good at either providing or finding low-cost or free counseling. (And, by the way, pastoral counseling doesn't always stress prayer and patience. I've been to a religious counseling center that never mentioned God or prayer or anything like that unless I brought it up. Samaritan Pastoral Counseling, they're all over the place, look them up.) Vicki SignaturePower may be justly compared to a great river; while kept within its bounds it is both beautiful and useful, but when it overflows its banks, it is then too impetuous to be stemmed; it bears down all before it, and brings destruction and desolation wherever it goes." -- Alexander Hamilton. > Hello my name is Helene and I decided to try and find a support group > because I am going nuts sometimes... And last night I really lost it. > It was the first time but I am sure it will happend again now that he > won... Hmmm....Kid lays on couch, you tell him not to (not sure what is so bad about laying on the couch anyway), you walk away, he lays on couch again, so you physically manhandle a 12-yr-old to do your bidding, because YOU want the couch for YOURSELF and YOUR kids, and this turns into a giant physical fight. It seems like you'd rather have him all tucked away in HIS room ,leaving you all alone. Maybe he wants to hang out with his family! You do need counseling. |
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