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Family Forum / Parenting / Step Parents / March 2005Is it ME or HIM??
Hello my name is Helene and I decided to try and find a support group because I am going nuts sometimes... And last night I really lost it. It was the first time but I am sure it will happend again now that he won... I just turned 40 last november and I know my days are counted. I was lucky to find the greatest man in the world when I turned 36... He was so great I wondered why he was still available, never married in a church etc. He told me right away he had an 8 year old son that has behavior problems and was seeing a psychatric and was on medecin for his problems. The is NOT hyper active he is just NUTS at times. I have a daughter who was 7 when we met so that was ok with me. We both had never been married (me never but him once in court) so we got married 3 months later in December 2000 and he has been the greatest husband ever since. The only reason he was alone was that people all left him because of HIS SON... His son tried stuff sometimes but his real problem is he just wont obay when you tell him stuff. I suggested to my husband to get him off his medecin a year or so ago and he only gets them occasionnaly now because he was getting side effects which was not pleasent. I think his problem is not his mental problems I think his true problem is he is spoiled. He has so many game stuff in his room he is getting tired of them, nintendo, game cube, internet and now he just got cable in his room. He is 12 years old now. My daughter has cable that's it. So anyhow last night I told him NOT to lay down on the caught to watch tv. He shows that to our oldest son Nicholas who is 3 now and Nick does it and so when his little brother Even, 21 months wants to watch TV with him Nick kicks him and he cries... so I put a longer cough so there would be more room and now Andrew (my ss) has been spending more time in our livingroom watching OUR TV since I put the larger cought there. Even though he has everything in his room. So I left a while and came back after supper and repeated again NOT to laydown on the cought to just sit so I could now sit with my kids there too... He just decided he WOULDN'T... so I physically took him off and sad there myself so I could sit there with Evander and Our baby girl Valerie, 8 months now. But he just came back to sit there with ME... can you believe how blunt this was. Absolutly no respect... I told him to go to his room and he said NO... he just kept on getting closer to sit with me and I did not allow that. I stopped him with my arm but he kept on trying and trying. So I kept pushing him with my arm and then tried to have him farther so I used my leg ... he just kept on coming back... so I got up and draged him on the stairs and put the baby gate... NOT that it would have stopped him I know. I kept trying to push him away but he just kept on coming back each daring me to do something so I kept on pushing him. I am surprised he never faught back... he just let himself get pushed and just came right back for more you know just like a boxer... It was as if he wanted to test me to my limits... like if he wanted me to kill him or something. My poor babies they were both crying and my daugther 11 years old was so scared... My husband forgot his cell phone so we had no way of communicating with him that normally works. So he grabed the gate and started swinging it towards me... I had my baby girl in a walker... it would have been so dangerous to let him get violent that I draged him outside the house and since he was still refusing to stay away from me I pushed him and he fell down on the ice... Then he took our outside statuette and destroyed it against the door and busted the door and we are only renting the place. Then I remebered he didnt have his boots so I put them outside for him but he was NOT on the porch anymore. My husband got home about 3 minutes after. We are in Canada and it is cold in the winter luckily it was not bad lastnight. I tried to find his jacket but he so rarely puts it on I didn't find it. So my husband comes in furious (but never screams) and he blames me... would not have anything to do with me just consoled his son... brougth him supper in his bedroom (when he had told me he was NOT hungry) and just stayed away from me. He always does that, he just goes do whatever he can to avoid any discussion. Later we talked and he blames me saying I am the adult here. Anyhow I was in the bath thinking this through wandering what I could do and I tough of it. I told my husband he had to make sure I had an area where his son would NOT be allowed in so I can be with my kids at peace when I don't want to see HIS face. I think that is good wouldn't you think?? I mean if I had a place to go with my kids when he refuses to listen to me I can just go there with them and not have to face him... We also have problems with my daughter and she is pretty blunt also with him but I always punish her for not being respecful... my husband says it still doesn't work but at least I don't just do nothing. He said he talked to him etc... but I know he will get nothing for punishments... what is wrong... is it me or what?? I am just afraid that if we split, my husband will have custody of all my babies (3) and I don't want to loose them. He was saying it was so cold etc and Andrew fell and he hurt himself. Well I didn't mean for him to get hurt and about being cold I said he was there just about 5 minutes and I told him I can go outside with my socks and no jackets for 5 min if he wanted me too. It was about I would say -15 degree celcius here last night. So he dared me to try it he said I would not last one minute. Well I did it. I went outside for about 5 minutes bare sucks and it was cold but my mind had a point to make... I did it. So my husband made me a tea told me to go and take a hot bath so I wouldn't get sick etc... He was smiling that was nice. Oh boy if I could only have someone I could talk to when I am upset... thanks for reading... Also, if SS is being adamantly disobedient - like the situation you described. Turn off the tv. I know it sucks for you and your kids but then you are setting limits. Please be careful to not talk so much in terms of "your" kids as a completely separate entity from your SS. Your SS picks up on this and it reinforces all of his inssecurities (which are probably a big part of the reasons for his behavior) This only makes for more resentment and hard feelings on his part and in turn he will continue to display inappropriate behavior. Believe me there are days (many many days) when I want to tell my SS exactly what I am thinking of him at the moment, and yes 85% of the time I wish he didn't exsist but it would just be downright cruel to verballize those feelings to him. We can never take bacvk the things we have said and damage like that is virtually irrepairable. If you love your husband and want to stay married you have a long road ahead with your SS. If he doesn't feel loved and is made to feel alientated from the "new" family he will resent you, your husband will resent you, you SS will resent your children and you will have one big very unhappy family. It sounds like everyones attitudes need to change including your husbands and your SS. Even though your SS often seems like the devil in disguise there are reasons for his behavior and they are immature reasons because he is only 12 and probably feels so sense of control over his own life. He is trying to assert some control in very inappropriate ways but it is up to your and your husband to teach his that he will gain control naturally if he improves his attitude and behavior. It is you! So anyhow last night I told him NOT to lay down on the caught to watch tv. He shows that to our oldest son Nicholas who is 3 now and Nick does it and so when his little brother Even, 21 months wants to watch TV with him Nick kicks him and he cries... so I put a longer cough so there would be more room and now Andrew (my ss) has been spending more time in our livingroom watching OUR TV since I put the larger cought there. Even though he has everything in his room. So I left a while and came back after supper and repeated again NOT to laydown on the cought to just sit so I could now sit with my kids there too... He just decided he WOULDN'T... so I physically took him off and sad there myself so I could sit there with Evander and Our baby girl Valerie, 8 months now. But he just came back to sit there with ME... can you believe how blunt this was. Absolutly no respect... I told him to go to his room and he said NO... he just kept on getting closer to sit with me and I did not allow that. I stopped him with my arm but he kept on trying and trying. So I kept pushing him with my arm and then tried to have him farther so I used my leg ... he just kept on coming back... so I got up and draged him on the stairs and put the baby gate... NOT that it would have stopped him I know. I kept trying to push him away but he just kept on coming back each daring me to do something so I kept on pushing him. I am surprised he never faught back... he just let himself get pushed and just came right back for more you know just like a boxer... It was as if he wanted to test me to my limits... ********************************************* What is the big deal if they lay on the couch? Not like the house will cave in. SS has a right to watc tv with the rest of the family too and be religated to his room and from your site. He also have the right for you show him some affection, love, respect and be part of the family.. which is also his family. You have no right to be emotionally, or physically abusive with this child. I agree if you and your DH seperate he should probly get the children. Not only is he your DH child, your SS, but the brother of your children... why is it so important for you to exclude him? *********************************************** Later we talked and he blames me saying I am the adult here. Yes you are maybe you should act like one instead of the spoiled you clain your SS to be. If you had behaved like a kind caring adult I bet this would never have happened. ***************************************** I told my husband he had to make sure I had an area where his son would NOT be allowed in so I can be with my kids at peace when I don't want to see HIS face. *************************************** You are one cruel cold hearted woman!!! ***************************************** I think that is good wouldn't you think?? I mean if I had a place to go with my kids when he refuses to listen to me I can just go there with them and not have to face him... **************************************** What you need is to accept that your DH has a child that is not yours. Quit trying to exclude the child. Try being loving and kind. Acept him as part of YOUR family... his is by default of marriage. You have this childin your life you knew that when you married... so GROW UP and accept the fact that you are this childs step "parent". You should also seek counseling for your anger and abusive attitude towards this child. Wow this is a rough place to be told what you just told me ... I though this was a place to get help not be condemned... Anyhow everyone BEFORE this last email thank you for your help. The situation is much better now. SS still hates school and gets detention once a week or so. He it totally bad to his father now and his grand-mother too. As for me I stay out of his way when he is a little brat and just keep quiet. He is also very very bad to my daughter but I try to tell her to just leave it alone not to worry so much. I mean this kit has the TV in HIS OWN room its not like he is deprived or anything. And to answer the last person "tracert" the reason I didn't want him in the livingroom that nigth is that he was being bad already and my 3 year old watches and does everything SS does. So I had told SS NOT to lay down but just to sit down to watch the TV so we would ALL have room on the cought, I was NOT kicking him out cause I didn't care about him. I just didn't want my 3 year old to see him lay on the cought and be ignorant and such. BECAUSE everytime SS does that, my son does the same and so when his little brother comes over to sit then my eldest kicks him to hurt him and my baby cries... That is just not right. So I only asked him to sit instead of lay down and he refused and then refused to leave etc... And as for bounderies it is NOT ME who started asking the other kids to leave when we watch TV it is my Husband. He is the one who doesn't want my daughter around when he is in the room watching TV, He is the one who doesn't want to include her in the family he is really discussed by her in every way so he is not a perfect husband. So she gets it a lot too, we fight everyday and it is always my husband who gets it going with her but when he is not around I try and let her some slack and so she is ok for a while. I mean he seams to be jalous of her, he laughts at me whenever I show her any attention or affection, he gets her everytime she is not totally honest about some silly thing that don't bother me and he just makes everything escalade. Boy if I did half the things to his SON as he does to her we would NOT be together anymore. But he is a good father and excellent husband so I am hoping my dauther will soon find peace... I got her to go and visit her dad every 2 weekend so that is a releaf for her and in the summer I sent her to my mother for one month last year... so I do my best. I am not an evil person, I have problems yes but the good thing is I am concern about them and want to make it work. To answer Vicki, we are not too concern about how much it would cost for counselling we want it to work of course. And I do go to church every Sunday so a Priest would be most then welcome if it was too expensive for Councelling thanks for the idea that might help. My husband said that I am doing really good lately and that he would try and be less naging with my dauther (but he just can't). I have decided not to fight with his son anymore and even asked him if anytime he wanted to do something with me I would be glad to. Tonight I was alone with SS and my Daughter and we were jocking around etc. It seams to be back to normal with me anyways. But not with his dad and school and grand-mother etc. So you bet you I am staying out of his way he is acking up so much... Maybe he was just testing me that day who knows?? Thanks everyone for all your help. I will keep watching for comments and pray about it a little might help too :) Helene If I was in your situation, I think I would have to seriously think about my marriage. This seems to be a stepfamily that is headed for disaster and the kids are still so young. Your husband doesn't love your daughter as his own, that's a bad sign. Your stepson is not being medicated (why did you want to take him off the meds?) and that is going to make him more hyper. Was he diagnosed with ADHD? I could write a book, but since so many people in here are judging you I'd rather email or do the yahoo instant messenger thing. I know where you're coming from. I have a stepson who is almost 6, a daughter who is almost 8, a son who is almost 13 and a daughter who is 16. My stepson has ADHD with ODD and we have all 4 of them ALL OF THE TIME! There have been many times that I have sent my stepson to bed at 7 or 7:30pm just to be able to give the other kids some attention because my stepson/son drains me (and he is on meds). Message me at neworleansgal and we can talk. Good luck to you if I don't hear from you.  Signaturehttp://www.geocities.com/neworleansgal/ > Wow this is a rough place to be told what you just told me ... > [quoted text clipped - 56 lines] > > Helene > If I was in your situation, I think I would have to seriously think about > my marriage. This seems to be a stepfamily that is headed for disaster and > the kids are still so young. Your husband doesn't love your daughter as > his own, that's a bad sign. Not unless it's his daughter too. There's no requirement that SPs love their SKs exactly the same as their BKs. >Your stepson is not being medicated (why did you want to take him off the >meds?) and that is going to make him more hyper. Was he diagnosed with >ADHD? Just because the kid can't stay off the couch and he hates school doesn't make him ADHD. > I could write a book, but since so many people in here are judging you *snorts* Spare me. One or two odd lurkers don't count as many. Jess >> If I was in your situation, I think I would have to seriously think >> about my marriage. This seems to be a stepfamily that is headed for [quoted text clipped - 17 lines] > > Jess Maybe this is the time for someone to repost the "this group isn't the warm fuzzy type of support group" post. ~~Geri~~ (Sanctimonious Cornhusker Beeyotch) "I hate my hat!" > Maybe this is the time for someone to repost the "this group isn't the > warm fuzzy type of support group" post. You just did. :p Jess In a previous article, "Cornhuskeress" <cahuskerfans@sbcglobalGOBIGRED.net> said: >Maybe this is the time for someone to repost the "this group isn't the warm >fuzzy type of support group" post. You'll find this a pretty good tough-love group. We generally don't waste a lot of time patting people's shoulders and murmuring "There there, Dear". The response is more likely to be "That's really rough, how are you making it worse, and what are your choices for making it better?" If what you're looking for is practical advice from a lot of people (mostly women) who've been there and done that, this is the place to be. We are stepmoms and biomoms, custodial and non-custodial. Sometimes we are the step-parents, sometimes it's our husbands who are steps to our biokids. Sometimes its our exes who have repartnered, and it's our kids who are trying to adjust to a step in their lives. Also, a number of our regular participants have problems reading unbroken blocks of text. Others are just real sticklers for grammar, spelling and punctuation. In general, your posts will be better received if you use standard English conventions in your writing. No one will try to *make* you do so, but if you don't, lots of folks will just pass over your posts without reading them. And it's "couch." "Caught" is the past tense of "catch." "Sofa" works, too. Vicki SignaturePower may be justly compared to a great river; while kept within its bounds it is both beautiful and useful, but when it overflows its banks, it is then too impetuous to be stemmed; it bears down all before it, and brings destruction and desolation wherever it goes." -- Alexander Hamilton. > And it's "couch." "Caught" is the past tense of "catch." "Sofa" > works, too. Oh my.. and here I thought she meant cot.. I didn't connect it to couch at all. I admit that I didn't read most of the post, simply because I found it incredibly difficult to read how the one child is being ostrisized from the rest of the family and had to bite my tongue. Enough stress in my own life to get into another argument. SignatureCal~ Calinda dot Letter S at Gmail dot com Oh sorry about the spelling everyone I am french and can't always remember how to spell the odd words. So the situation is good I should say between my and SS since I decided NOT to fight with him anymore and just to act "num" (another word I can't spell). So when he plays his little mind game I just play along... He is doing really really bad in school so bad he has been expell every week now. He is at his mom's now!! The principal says they don't want him there anymore he just goes into anybody's class and picks up a desk (not his obviously) and just puts his head on the desk... the teacher says to get out he refuses, the principals says the same thing he just doesnt move... what can they do... so he is suspended... My husband is trying to make some sense of him but nothing. So I was like wondering what is going on... he can be so good at times... so my husband said that the new doctor (psychologist) doesn't want SS on ANY meds at all so he can evaluate him properly... I understand that and so think he will be ok then but the school is reacting to that and this is going to take some time boy what will happend I don't know. In the mean time I think my husband is taking it on my daughter, his SD, and he is always after her. I hate it. I keep trying to tell her she should listen and not argue but she just keeps arguing... so we have big fights and of course I am always in the middle of it. And SS is not doing good so when they get home from school (we are not home yet) he bugs her and she cries of course but what can we do!!! I have no clue. But I pretty much decided that my little babies (3, almost 2, 9 months old) will NOT be without a father unless HE decides to leave. So I will put up with it all and hope my daughter doesn't get crazy by the time she is old enough to move out... I keep reminding myself that after my husband there will be NOONE for me... I don't want those divorce etc... He is the only one I ever married and I want to keep him. Its only going to be like 6 years and the big kids will be working and maybe moved who knows... So I have to look pass that... Does anyone agree with me?? My husband will NOT EVER love my daughter. He tried at first but she is so dispitful, she is a big liar because he is always after her, she is very jalous of SS cause he has everything and never gets in trouble or never has to do anything around the house cause he is going to go ... He has emotional problem not D... It in his head and its emotional I can't remember waht but he thinks people are out to get him and stuff ... But he is NOT violent so that's good I think!!! you help is very much appreciated thanks so much I will keep on reading this... helene > But I pretty much decided that my little babies (3, almost 2, 9 months > old) will NOT be without a father unless HE decides to leave. So I will [quoted text clipped - 7 lines] > and never gets in trouble or never has to do anything around the house > cause he is going to go ... He has emotional problem not D... It sounds as though you are sacrificing your oldest child (and possibly your ss as well) for the youngest three, and I suppose, yourself. It doesn't sound like a good environment for either your daughter or his son. It seems like they are paying a very high price for everyone else's stability. If you have decided to continue as you are, perhaps you could see of you can afford to send the two older children to boarding schools? It seems to me that it must be really difficult for them to live in an environment where one of the adults openly dislikes them. At the very least, consider family counselling. Helene, I kinda responded between your paragraphs if that's ok. Signaturehttp://www.geocities.com/neworleansgal/ > Oh sorry about the spelling everyone I am french and can't always > remember how to spell the odd words. >>> I understood your post perfectly well, you don't have to be a rocket >>> scientist to know that you meant couch. People from all over the world [quoted text clipped - 17 lines] > reacting to that and this is going to take some time boy what will > happend I don't know. >>>he's very lucky that you are looking for support and are worried about >>>him<<<<<<<< [quoted text clipped - 29 lines] > > helene > In the mean time I think my husband is taking it on my daughter, his > SD, and he is always after her. I hate it. I keep trying to tell her [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > yet) he bugs her and she cries of course but what can we do!!! I have > no clue. Poor girl. She's getting it from two sides at once, and you're not doing a thing to help. Have you considered family counseling? > But I pretty much decided that my little babies (3, almost 2, 9 months > old) will NOT be without a father unless HE decides to leave. So I will [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > going to be like 6 years and the big kids will be working and maybe > moved who knows... So I have to look pass that... No, no, no, and NO. You have to look at *right now* too-do you really thing your oldest daughter is happy where she is? She gets jumped on by her father and SB constantly, and you're standing by and letting it happen-for cripes' sake, you're even telling her to cave in. Do you think the youngest kids are oblivious to this too? > Does anyone agree with me?? No. I'dve either been in counseling or long gone. > My husband will NOT EVER love my daughter. > He tried at first but she is so dispitful, she is a big liar because he > is always after her, she is very jalous of SS cause he has everything > and never gets in trouble or never has to do anything around the house > cause he is going to go ... Yeah, I'd be a bit upset at that too. You're sacrificing your daughter just because you don't want a divorce. You really need to talk to a counselor about what would make you willing to do this. Jess > > And it's "couch." "Caught" is the past tense of "catch." "Sofa" > > works, too. > > Oh my.. and here I thought she meant cot.. I didn't connect it to couch > at all. I read "couch", too. But now I'm wondering if you're right. lil Signaturehttp://www.geocities.com/neworleansgal/ > Maybe this is the time for someone to repost the "this group isn't the > warm fuzzy type of support group" post. Yes I know that I've lurked here for many years. > the reason I > didn't want him in the livingroom that nigth is that he was being bad > already and my 3 year old watches and does everything SS does. I confess I'm not really following the thread, but this caught my eye. I have a 2yo son and a 9yo SS. And sometimes, yep, SS gets on my nerves because he does things that my son shouldn't be doing. But you want to watch how often you use this as the reason why your SS can't do something. Number 1, it can make your SS behave more badly, because he resents what he may see as favoritism to your son. Number 2, it may damage the relationship between the children. Personally, my dad did this to me about my younger sister for _years_, and I really hated her for it for a long time. If you don't want him horizontal on the couch, it's because that doesn't leave room for everyone else. Tell your son that whatever his brother does, your son has to follow your rules, and one of them is not taking up the whole couch. I think you're overreacting to the couch thing, because you're so stressed out about the rest of the situation. rebecca |
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