Family Forum / Parenting / Step Parents / February 2005

Hi folks,

This is my first post to the group. I am trying to work through a
difficult decision, and would really appreciate some input.

I am in my late thirties, married for a second time. I have a seven
year old son by my first marriage. My ex-wife and I get along well, and
I have regular access to my son. He comes to us every Wednesday
evening, and every other weekend. He has his own room in our house, and
considers it a second home.

My wife is as good a step-mum as I could wish for. She is very close to
my son, and he seems as settled as he can be with the situation. My
ex-wife has also remarried and they too have tried to provide as secure
and happy an environment as they can for our son. We try very much to
stress the positives - he has four loving parents, and eight doting
grand-parents! Apart from some financial hassles, life is really pretty
good.

The problem is this: my wife wants her own child. She is a few years
younger than me, but is really now starting to feel the 'biological
clock' ticking.

This is causing all sorts of issues for me. When we got together, we
both wanted children, but agreed to wait until my son was happy with
his new family arrangements (my ex-wife has recently re-married at the
time). As time has passed (we have been married nearly two years now),
I have grown more and more uncomfortable with the idea of us having a
child of our own, to the point where if I was forced to make a final
decision now, I would probably say no.

Needless to say, this is putting the future of our relationship very
much in the balance. My wife really doesn't feel there's a future for
our relationship if she doesn't at least have the chance to have a
child of her own. While I don't think I'll ever really understand the
need a woman feels to have a child, I do acknowledge it. I certainly
don't want her to live a life of resentment.

I have several reasons for holding back, and have listed the most
obvious ones below. I really don't know which are the most important in
my mind, and it's not an exhaustive list.

1) On balance, I think the risk of disruption to my son outweighs the
possible benefits. If my wife and I have a child, it will naturally
spend all its time with us. My son spends about a third of his time
with us, including holidays. I can't see how he will not feel, at least
to some degree, like an outsider. It will be clear to him that my
wife's feelings for him are not the same as those for our new child.
Taking the age difference into account, I suspect the relationship
between my son and a new child could only at best be nearer to an
uncle-nephew/niece, than a brother-brother/sister.

2) As much as I love my wife and hope we will always be together (and
am prepared to work at it!), I am painfully aware that relationships do
break down. My first marriage lasted almost ten years, and I suspect
neither of us ever imagined that we wouldn't be together 'till death us
do part'. That is, of course, until it all started unravelling.
Statistically, the chances for this second marriage are slimmer. Also,
my wife and I have always stressed that we should support each other's
growth and change in our relationship; in fact we wrote our vows
especially to emphasise that. If my first wife and I grew apart, then
it is possible that it will happen again, especially in a relationship
where growth is encouraged. Whenever I contemplate what happened to my
son as a result of my first marriage breaking up, and how it still
affects his day-to-day life, I really can't imagine putting another
child through that. I really can't imagine putting myself through it!

3) Frankly, I like things the way they are. If something happened to my
ex-wife, and I had to look after my son full time, then I'd do it in a
second. But I do actually enjoy having evenings when he's not around.
At the very least, it gives me the opportunity to have some
uninterrupted time with my wife. With a new baby on the scene, that
would become infinitely more difficult. Right now, when there are
hiccups in our relationship, it's because we're not spending enough
quality time together. If that happens when the majority of our time is
effectively child-less, how will it be when there are nappies to
change? Financially we are not in a position to afford child care, and
we're a long way from other members of our family.

I love my wife very much, and appreciate the sacrifices she's made for
the sake of our relationship. For example, the reason we live so far
from our immediate families is so that we could be nearer my son. I
really don't want to lose a beautiful relationship, but at the same
time I really can't see much to outweigh these concerns.

I would be extremely grateful to hear:

1) any thoughts on my reasons for holding back. I would prefer
to hear comments on whether or not they're rational as
opposed to judgements about how selfish I might be.

2) experiences from anyone who's been in the same situation
as us. I have found lots of advice for having a baby in
a step-family where all the children are living full-time
with the family in question, but nothing that addresses
the family with only partial access to the child.
Many thanks to any and all who respond.

Jules