New Step Mom! Help!!

Thread view:

Enable EMail Alerts

Start New Thread

Thread rating:

youngstressedstepmom - 07 Mar 2005 16:42 GMT

I am a 25 year old new step mom. About a month ago my husband who is 34
years old got unofficial custody of his 8 year old son. Well let me
explain what happened. Back in January we received a mysterious visit.
His ex came over to my mother's house looking for my husband. That she
really needed to talk to him. I contacted my husband at work and he in
turn called her. She explained to him that she could not handle the
little boy anymore and she had done every thing she could for him but he
had discipline problems. Within 5 days the child was living with us, that
including myself, my husband, and our 3 year old son. The awkward part of
this is that my husband had not seen him in 5 years. He did not know him
at all, neither did his son. At the moment I am pursing a college
education and work a 40wk job. His X would call every day and cause my a
lot of stress. His son would want to call his mom everyday as well. I
could not understand how a mother would just leave her son like the way
she did. As I bickered with my husband all during January we reached my
understandings to make our marriage work with this new addition.
Everything was fine until she came to pick him up last weekend for a
visit. He had warmed up to his new home and family. But when he came
back from his mother's he has changed. He is cold towards me and my
husband. He is just rude. Does not even talk. My husband tells me to
ignore him. What upsets me the most is that he is telling his mom and the
other family information about my husband, my son & myself. Not that we
have anything to hide but I don't want them part of my life. yesterday
his X called him on the cell and told him she wanted the boy back and that
he doesn't even like me. when my husband question that remark she said
she was kidding. she also mentioned to me that he doesn't even want to
support her. that got me very upset. Those remarks caused us to argue
heavily. Once we properly discussed the situation and apologized we
decided to keep going forward. We then picked him up because she could
not drop him off. His son while in the car mentions certain things that
hurt my husband and me. What am I to do? I feel this is not my
responsibility and because of his mother's actions I feel that I might
start resenting him ( the child ) who is not at fault.

Help!!

Young Step Mom In Distress.

Reply to this Message

rebecca - 07 Mar 2005 19:42 GMT

> But when he came
> back from his mother's he has changed. He is cold towards me and my
> husband. He is just rude. Does not even talk. My husband tells me to
> ignore him. What upsets me the most is that he is telling his mom and the
> other family information about my husband, my son & myself. Not that we
> have anything to hide but I don't want them part of my life.

Okay, this is _soooo_ normal. Think about it. He's 8. You say he's
"warmed up to his new life" - when he sees his mother, he feels terribly
torn and guilty. Maybe he doesn't miss her the way he used to. Maybe, deep
down, he really likes it better with you and his dad. Maybe mom spent the
whole time slobbering over him and how terrible it was that he and she
couldn't live together.

So you pick him up, and he takes all that pain (which is too much for an 8yo
to handle) out on you. It's safe to be mad at you, you aren't his mom. His
dad hasn't abandoned him. It's not safe for him to be mad at her, what if
she goes away? She's done it before, after all.

As for the information thing, there's honestly nothing you can do. Our
policy is if we really don't want BM to know, then SS can't know. Because
what you don't want to do is get into a position where you're pressuring the
kid not to talk to his mother. That's a complete no-win. Does it suck?
You betcha. This is part of the price you pay as a stepparent. And while
you can minimize the invasion of your life by your stepson's other parent,
you can't get rid of them completely.

yesterday

> his X called him on the cell and told him she wanted the boy back and that
> he doesn't even like me. when my husband question that remark she said
[quoted text clipped - 6 lines]
> responsibility and because of his mother's actions I feel that I might
> start resenting him ( the child ) who is not at fault.

I'm not totally sure what you are saying is not your responsibility.
Certainly, you should stay out of the interaction between dad and mom, let
them hash out where the kid lives. You then hash out with dad how it will
work for the time the kid is with you.

For what it's worth, my stepson is always meanest to me right after he
realizes how crazy he is about me. It makes him feel like he's betraying
his mother. So in a weird way, I'm always happy after he's a jerk, because
I know he really loves me, and just needs help getting over his guilt about
his mom.

Hope that helps.

rebecca

Reply to this Message

DrLith - 08 Mar 2005 02:52 GMT

> What am I to do? I feel this is not my
> responsibility and because of his mother's actions I feel that I might
> start resenting him ( the child ) who is not at fault.

I don't have any brilliant advise for you, really, but I just feel so sorry
for that kid. I feel sorry for you, too! But I guess I'd tell you to keep in
mind that while you both are being jerked around and getting your lives
disrupted by all this, he's having to deal with it as an 8-yo, while you are
an adult.

As far as the mom: try to stay focused and not get upset by things that you
can shrug off (what she says to you/about you; what she thinks of you).

Kids that age can be hard to deal with, in different ways from dealing with
a preschooler. They are wily and manipulative little button-pushers and defy
all logic. Make sure you are on the same page as your husband about how to
deal with the rude behavior and hurtful comments. There's some good books
out there you may find helpful (I'm fond of "How to Talk So Your Kids Will
Listen," "Loving Your Child Is Not Enough," and "Setting Limits with Your
Strong-Willed Child").
.
In some ways, your husband and you have a leg up on the typical step-parent
situation, in that you will both be figuring out how to parent this child at
the same time, rather than you intruding on already-established routines and
practices. You're on somewhat more equal footing in that regard.

Reply to this Message

Family Forum / Parenting / Step Parents / March 2005

New Step Mom! Help!!