Family Forum / Parenting / Step Parents / March 2005

Hi. I need some advice. Hopefully someone else has been through something
similar to help me. My Husband and I have been married for 3 yrs. we've
been together for 4. We have a great marriage. there is only 1 "problem"
so to say. My husbands EX. They were never married, but they had a kid
together.(it wasnt planned by any means) She has custody. My husband
doesnt see his son very much at all. this is partly because of his work
schedule and partly because he doesnt want to, i believe.  My husband
keeps his feelings to himself, or he tries, as far as this part of his
life is concerned. I know him very well though, on somethings better then
he knows himself. My problems are that 1) unlike some peoples experiences
with BMs, mine is very unpleasant. We do not get along. from the time my
DH and i started dating till now. in fact when we first got together, she
would threaten  bodily harm to me. (which causes another problem that i
still feel kind of hurt from, my DH never once defended me to her.) I dont
like her, she doesnt like me. She is a perpetual liar. and she has 3 other
children (all by different fathers)other then my SS. I found out today the
last one she had living with her no longer does. She only keeps my SS.
(DH's the only one that pays child support. could there be a poss.
correlation? i think so) she is always rude, hateful to me. She calls me
names and talks bad about me. it's so bad, that i go out of my way not to
talk to her. i have caller id, and caller id on my call waiting, so
there's no surprises. She only calls to get money by manipulating DH with
guilt to get advance on child support. I dislike the whole situation so
much, I dont mention her name. ever. I dont like it when people mention
her name. I just try to pretend the situation doesnt exist. which works
98% of the time. it's the other 2% that's the problem.  now onto 2) my DH.
He was younger and mostly immature when he got her pregnant. He didnt
want/wasnt ready to have kids. especially not with her. but it happened.
He fought for custody when SS was 2 yrs old. but he lost, because he
worked and she didnt. he didnt have anyone to watch the boy while he was
at work. and she presented herself as a stay at home mom. after we got
together, he would see SS about 1 every 2 or so months. then the longer
we've been together, the less he sees him. at first, it didnt bother me. i
come from a big family, so when he was here, i treated him like i would my
own. i would watch him while my husband was at work, and when he was home.
my husband doesnt interact well with him. he doesnt really like having him
around, and sees having him around more of a nuisance then as an
opportunity to visit with him. he gets upset when SS watches tv in other
room and doesnt visit with him, AND when SS sits in living room asking
questions. (SS is 10) But when he was here, i would play games and have
him help me in the kitchen and read with him and watch cartoons. basically
just be nice and give him attention, since my husband didnt. While this was
going on, if my husband was around he would give me these perturbed looks.
so it got to when we would get him, i would stay in the bedroom with my
dog and just basically stay out of the way and not really pay much
attention. For a while it seemed okay like that. but then my husband would
get upset with me for not interacting enough. it was like i was darned if i
dont and danged if i do. so we saw SS even less. Things became stressful as
far as this was concerned. and at one point my husband said we seen him
less because i get, lock jaw and mad even when he mentions, his name let
alone gets him. i admit i do get lock jaw when he mentions him, or getting
him. but it's mostly because I dont want to make my husband mad or guilty
or anything like that. but that's all that happens. and i dont know how to
react, so i just shut up.  so on SS bday last year, husband asked what i
thought we should get him. (his bday is july) so i said new school
clothes, so we can knock out 2 birds w/1 stone, since we would be having
to buy them AND pay child support that month. He said he talked to BM that
morning and he wanted to get him a video game console. (his BM is greedy,
and doesn't take care of material goods. Unless she can keep them in good
enough shape to sell them and get the money) I told DH that a video game
probably wouldnt be the best thing to get him, maybe some board games and
other toys he likes. And i asked what else he and BM talked about. he told
me it was none of my business. i told him that i thought it was. he told me
none of it was my business. the next morning i am shopping and DH calls me
and tells me to pick up that video game for SS. I told him that i didnt
think it was a good idea, he told me, that my opinion wasnt what mattered
because it was his kid. and he wanted me to pick it up. he didnt care that
it was expensive, he doesnt see his kid he can at least spend some money on
him. so i got it. that was 8 months ago, and last i heard, SS couldnt find
it.
my main problems that i need advice on are, how do i deal with the whole
EX issue. when i see she calls or comes by or the first of every month
(child support) or every time i even think of the whole situation, i
stress completely out. it get so bad sometimes, i come so close to panic
attacks.  how do i deal with it. I dont like them talking, (yes i'm
jealous) but they dont just talk about SS. they can talk for 45 minutes
about stuff that happened when they were together. it really pisses me
off. i am a very confident woman. except when it comes to her. everything
about the situation makes me so insecure. i am at my wits end. i dont know
how to handle it anymore. not without making myself sick from stressing
out.
Next is if my husband didnt want a kid, and doesnt like to see him,
because its too much trouble on him, and "because of the way I act" then
what do i do? i have talked to him about all this so much. but he never
answers me. he always tells me i'm exaggerating. and wont talk about it to
help me clear stuff up. like how he wants me to act for one.

i am so confused and stressed out because i dont know what to do anymore.
any advice would be greatly appreciated.  and i'm sorry about rambling on
like this.