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Family Forum / Parenting / Step Parents / April 2005venting.. comments, suggestions please
Here is my situation. I have three biological children. ages 10, 15, and 19. I have two twin step sons age 16 as well. My children live with us 24/7 and see their dad once a year (He lives in Canada). Up until last year my step children were also living with us full time..even though my husband was still paying $800 a month for child support because he was too lazy to go back to court and get the order changed. Anyway.. his boys moved back with their mom when they entered highschool last year...because she lives across the street from the school and we live about a half hour walk..which my son does everyday! So... the time has come that there are old enough to get their drivers licenses! My husband took HIS boys out for months and months to teach them, along with their mother. My son will be 16 in two months and so far he has taken him out less than a handful of times and the last time was about 6 months ago! I find out recently that my husband told the boys that if they save money up for a car he will match whatever they save! He didn't tell me this mind you..only them. When I found this out I was very upset. My son doesn't get an allowance! When his father sends child support he gets some of that. Of course since he might not have had money for months and months..he wants to spend it. Of course if I knew he was going to be saving so that my husband could match it.. I would have encouraged him to save some! ...Anyway... my step sons both went to do their drivers last week and one passed one failed. My husband has been going to look at cars with them but he told me that they aren't buying one.. just looking!!! So this morning I go and look at our bank account and he has withdrawn $1000 and given it to one of his boys! He is going to take the other $1000 when his other son redoes his test and passes!! My son will be going for his license in a couple months and there is no way he can save anything by then. I have brought this to my husbands attention. He doesn't care. He said he made a promise to them and he has to keep it. I told him it was flawed from the get go because he KNEW my son would never be able to save any money while his kids get money all the time!! My older son wasn't even included in this "deal" he got a job and bought his own first car, which is whatwe intially agreed all of the kids would do... its not like we have money!! We pay $1500 mortgage and $800 on child support every month!! So I am very upset.. I think this is very unfair. I just am so upset by the whole thing that I really don't know what to do. My husband told my son last night that once he finished reading the drivers book that he would start taking him out to drive! Well his boys didn't have that stipulation!!! on a side note.. when my oldest son was learning to drive..I went through this same thing.. he ended up not getting his license until he was 17 because my husband was procrastinating!! I don't drive..or I would do it.. I would like to hear any suggestions, thoughts or comments.. I am so upset I am shaking and feel ill :( Angel In a previous article, "Angel" <book4s3@damrrions.com> said: >I would like to hear any suggestions, thoughts or comments.. >I am so upset I am shaking and feel ill :( It sounds as though you expect your husband to treat your biological children, who are his step-children, the same way he treats his own biological children. Is this an agreement that the two of you came to, or is this an expectation that you had, that "of course" you would each treat all the children equally? That's an important question. My husband and I each pretty much decide what our respective biokids get and don't get. (My children live with us, his children live with their mother.) They are definitely not treated the same, but that's not an issue for us because we never expected that they would be. My ex (my children's father) and I raise our girls, and my husband and his ex raise their girls. My kids got cars at 16. His did not. There are lots of other examples, but you get the idea. But the key is that we all knew all of this going in. I never expected him to be my children's father. He's not, he's a stepfather, and that's a fine thing to be, but it's different than being a *father*. I am not my stepdaughters' mother, I'm their stepmother. It sounds as if you want your husband to be the same kind of father to your sons as he is to his own sons. Did you ever tell him that you expected that? Did he agree? Does he agree to be financially responsible for your children, or does he think that you and your sons' father should be financially responsible? What was the agreement? Vicki  SignatureOf all the stupid things I've done, this is certainly the most recent. - Chris Clarke The agreement was that he was taking responsibility financially for my children. We immigrated here and that is a stipulation in the visa process.. he is responsible. We had a 4 year relationship before I immigrated here.. a lot was promised.. He knew the situation.. he accepted it. He was the one who wanted me to move here and marry him. this is just one issue! I treat his children as my own.. I looked after them for 4 years because my husband and his ex worked and they didn't want to pay child care and since they were living with us.. it was my responsibility. This was never asked of me..it was something that comes with being a step parent. We agreed previously that the we could not afford to buy cars for all of the kids so .. they would all get jobs and buy their own.. and learn that you work for what you get. Well apparently it was important to teach my children that..but not his. He did it behind my back. He took the money out and didn't tell me and now he is adamant that he will take more out for the other child..but my children still are not included. My situation is not the same as yours obviously. I am glad it is not an issue in your relationship but it is in mine. > I treat his children as my own.. I looked after them for 4 years because > my > husband and his ex worked and they didn't want to pay child care and since > they were living with us.. it was my responsibility. This was never asked > of > me..it was something that comes with being a step parent. Disagree. If my husband and his ex expected me to look after their _1_ child (let alone 2) full time with no discussion, they just assumed it, I'd hit the roof. These are not your children. While you may agree to take on additional parenting responsibilities, it is categorically not just "something that comes with being a step parent." Since the kids have gone to moms, that ship has sailed, but it's just something to keep in mind in the future. > We agreed previously that the we could not afford to buy cars for all of > the [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > didn't tell me and now he is adamant that he will take more out for the > other child..but my children still are not included. While I agree with Vicki that kids don't have to get treated the same, your issue is right here. If you and your husband share finances, and it sounds like you do, for him to do this without even telling you in advance is a huge problem. Unless you have a prenuptial agreement that keeps all of your property separate, this is not just his money to do with whatever he chooses, especially over your objection. So you have to make a decision here, how to deal with what would be to me a HUGE marital issue. It isn't really about your stepkids, it's about the two of you being dysfunctional about handling your marital finances. rebecca like I said, this is just one issue! when I said that I was the step parent and it was expected of me.. I was being sarcastic.. he expects me to do things that I would do for my own children..just because I am there but he doesn't reciprocate! I know this is a financial issue.. but when he has the control and makes the money.. and refuses to tell me things and even if he does and I am against it and he does it anyway.. where do I turn? This money he gave them came from a dividend payment and he says it's his money he can do what he wants with it. This is the catalyst to a bunch of things that are ruining our marriage. >> I treat his children as my own.. I looked after them for 4 years because >> my [quoted text clipped - 33 lines] > > rebecca > This is the catalyst to a bunch of things that are ruining our marriage. I'm sorry, financial issues with a spouse are a bitch to solve. )-: Have you tried saying telling him that you feel so strongly? You said you immigrated here, does that mean you would have to leave if you split up? That's a scary position to be in. Good luck. Rebecca Oh I've tried everything.. for years.. he does what he wants.. my opinion or feelings don't seem to matter.. there seems to be a pecking order.. his kids, his job, his ex, his parents, then maybe me, and my kids. If there is anyone to disppoint it will always be the latter. He will work all day, come home.. not be in the door 15 mins and his kids will call and want him to take them somewhere (even though their mother is at home with them and has been off work for hours)and he will go off and do whatever it is they want.. it's usually something pressing like going to buy a Nintendo game. Some of these things are small and trivial and I have to pick my battles...but when it is a constant thing and things pile up, something has to be said and done. My children have to make an appointment with him and jump through hoops if they want something done by him. They rarely even ask because they know they will be disappointed. Yes, I gave up everything to move here with him. Family, friends and any security I may have had. He spun a good fairytale and I fell for it. I take full blame for that. I have no idea what will happen if we divorce. I can't simply move back to Canada. I have nowhere to live, no way to support myself or my children. He will lose nothing if we divorce... except the aggravation of having to put up with me I suppose. I am a legal resident.. but I am no better off here than in Canada, and besides.. there is nothing here for me if we split up. >> This is the catalyst to a bunch of things that are ruining our marriage. > [quoted text clipped - 7 lines] > > Rebecca > I know this is a financial issue.. but when he has the control and makes > the money.. and refuses to tell me things and even if he does and I am > against it and he does it anyway.. where do I turn? Get some equal control over the checking account (or open your own), make sure you have a way to support yourself and start holding some talks about what's expected of each of concering the kids. >This money he gave them came from a dividend payment and he says it's his >money he can do what he wants with it. > > This is the catalyst to a bunch of things that are ruining our marriage. A trot into a counselor's office might be of the good-you two need to figure out how you're going to work this out. Jess all those things have been done! My name is on the account.. but I don't spend any of it. If I need money I ask first. It took him two years to even put me on the account after countless times asking. His excuse. .he likes to keep track of his money! I am certainly not a gold digger and if I were, I wouldn't be with him! LOL I have no way to support myself . .I have been a stay at home mom raising children for that last 19 years. He didn't want me to work when we got married.. and now I see why, he wouldn't have had free day care for his children and we would have had to pay for mine. We have talked about what is expected. It doesn't work. I ask and he just does what he wants anyway. It's like talking to a wall. I've tried everything I can think of.. playing on his sympathy, compassion, guilt, doing the right thing etc. and in the end he still does whatever he wants. We have been to at least 4 different counselors, we quit all for different reasons. The last time I quit because the counselor actually told me and I quote " think about Lady Di, Jackie Kennedy and strong women like that, they learned to look the other way for the sake of the marriage"! I walked out of his office and wrote him a letter explaining why I would no longer be paying him $60 an hour to tell me to look the other way! My husband tried counseling on his own .. it didn't do any good.. but when we would fight he would always tell me that his counselor wondered why he even married me in the first place. sigh.. I guess sometimes there is nothing one can do but move on.. just wish I had somewhere to move on to. >> I know this is a financial issue.. but when he has the control and makes >> the money.. and refuses to tell me things and even if he does and I am [quoted text clipped - 13 lines] > > Jess > I have no way to support myself . .I have been a stay at home mom raising > children for that last 19 years. He didn't want me to work when we got > married.. and now I see why, he wouldn't have had free day care for his > children and we would have had to pay for mine. You are a legal resident, right? It might be an idea to go back to school, look at getting some job skills. If nothing else, you need to consider what you would do if something happened to him. > My husband tried counseling on his own .. it didn't do any good.. but when > we would fight he would always tell me that his counselor wondered why he > even married me in the first place. Joyous. I think you need to ask yourself whether you *want* to live like this. > I guess sometimes there is nothing one can do but move on.. just wish I > had somewhere to move on to. Moving back in with family isn't an option? Jess If I had the money for school.. and day care..I wouldn't be in the mess I am in now. besides.. I don't even know where I am going to live let alone HOW I am going to get a job and support myself. No one wants to hire a woman who hasnt worked in 19 years...and working at minimum wage is not going to pay rent and day care and expenses. My parents live in a motorhome! My brother is an alcoholic, my other brother is single, my sister is not even an option. So no, I have no family that can help me. Or friends for that matter. I can't move back to Canada and even get help from the government because I have been out of the country for 5 years. sigh >> I have no way to support myself . .I have been a stay at home mom raising >> children for that last 19 years. He didn't want me to work when we got [quoted text clipped - 20 lines] > > Jess > If I had the money for school.. and day care..I wouldn't be in the mess I > am in now. Federal financial aid is free, and it will subsidize daycare. You're a legal resident, so you should qualify. > besides.. I don't even know where I am going to live let alone HOW I am > going to get a job and support myself. No one wants to hire a woman who > hasnt worked in 19 years...and working at minimum wage is not going to pay > rent and day care and expenses. No, but financial aid will, and some universities have family dorms and low cost apartment housing nearby. You can also check with the state assistance office where you live, and they can give you some resources too. Jess Thanks for the info Jess. I appreciate it. I am just so emotional right now I can't even think straight :( Angel >> If I had the money for school.. and day care..I wouldn't be in the mess I >> am in now. [quoted text clipped - 13 lines] > > Jess >> If I had the money for school.. and day care..I wouldn't be in the mess I >> am in now. > > Federal financial aid is free, and it will subsidize daycare. You're a > legal resident, so you should qualify. Here is one of the places to apply for financial aid: http://www.fafsa.ed.gov/ I also put "financial aid non-traditional student" into google and a lot of things popped up. Here's a couple semi-random selections: http://www.freschinfo.com/strategy-nontrad.php http://www.studyworksonline.com/cda/content/article/0,,EXP1122_NAV15-93_SAR1130, 00.shtml >> besides.. I don't even know where I am going to live let alone HOW I am >> going to get a job and support myself. No one wants to hire a woman who >> hasnt worked in 19 years...and working at minimum wage is not going to >> pay rent and day care and expenses. So you need a long-term plan. It might include going back to school. It might include taking a low-pay entry level job just to get your foot in the door - but then work your way up. These are things to think about. Also think about what kind of work you might want to do, or what you would be good at. > No, but financial aid will, and some universities have family dorms and > low cost apartment housing nearby. You can also check with the state > assistance office where you live, and they can give you some resources > too. She's right. One thing that might be helpful is to research the colleges close to you - look at what kind of degrees they offer. Community colleges can be a really good option for somebody who needs to get back into the workforce fairly soon, too - check them out as well. Then call the financial aid office at schools you are interested in - there will be people there who can help you. just curious Angel - your kid's Dad never had anything to do with them? Or since you moved he hasn't had much to do with them? With hope and heart, Kathleen Well since we live a couple thousand miles away.. he only sees them once a year. He was given leeway in the child support payments so that he could use the money to visit them twice a year, but he never has. Sometimes we actually have to drive the kids half way so that he will keep his end of the bargain. I think in essence you are asking if their father is involved. I guess as much as one can be when they live so far away. He is also $7000 behind in support..and DSHS isn't doing anything about it. They have been pretty much useless. After being signed up with them for over 4 years they now tell me they can't really garnish his wages or anything, only keep track of his payments. This is because he lives in Canada. I'm just hooped every which way but loose. A > just curious Angel - your kid's Dad never had anything to do with them? > Or > since you moved he hasn't had much to do with them? > With hope and heart, > Kathleen Actually, I wondered if the Dad was involved in the kid's lives *before* you moved a couple thousand miles away. I was thinking that if Dad wanted his kids to be closer, he may be willing to help you find a place to live or something of the sort... When I read what you have written, it really pushes my 'victim' button. I'm thinking that by reading what you have written, it has somehow brought it (several issues!) all back up for me. What I have learned - just in case it is helpful for you - is that when I start feeling like a victim it is a dangerous place for me to stay. Even when I am a victim, there is no power in that. I have to take the power back and realize that Yes, I *always* have options. There are always choices, and some of our choices take us down roads we didn't really want to go. When that happens, it is up to us to make some different choices to get us to where we want to be. With hope and heart, Kathleen -- I am a flower quickly fading, Here today and gone tomorrow, A wave tossed in the ocean, A vapor in the wind. Still you hear me when I'm calling, Lord, you catch me when I'm falling you tell me who I am. I am Yours. ~ Casting Crowns > Well since we live a couple thousand miles away.. he only sees them once a > year. He was given leeway in the child support payments so that he could use [quoted text clipped - 18 lines] > > With hope and heart, > > Kathleen No, before I moved a thousand miles away, I lived a few hundred miles away and it was the same thing, he saw them once a year even though he had a court order to see them more. When we were married I was the parent while he was the bread winner. His spare time was spent on him mostly. That and drinking. The children's father is not in a position to help out even if he wanted his children closer. He is living with a woman and supporting her and her son. We all have choices.. but sometimes those choices are both undesireable.. I want to do what is best for my children. What I want and what I can do are two different things. You can tell yourself you have all the power in the world but if you don't have the resources then it is just a word. I appreciate your sentiments though. Angel > Actually, I wondered if the Dad was involved in the kid's lives *before* > you [quoted text clipped - 56 lines] >> > With hope and heart, >> > Kathleen > We all have choices.. but sometimes those choices are both undesireable.. > I want to do what is best for my children. What I want and what I can do > are two different things. And is it really best for your children to see you treated the way you're being treated? They're learning how to handle relationships from you. Is it really best for your children to think that they're somehow inferior just because they're stepkids? > You can tell yourself you have all the power in the world but if you don't > have the resources then it is just a word. And we're telling you how to get the resources. I've been in a spot pretty similar to yours-and you can either make the choice to start getting the resources together to support yourself or you can stay put. Entirely up to you. But don't delude yourself that it's for your kids, because it's not. It's because you're too scared to at least try (which is fine-BTDT too). Jess first off I never said I was staying for the kids! I said I wanted to leave FOR THE kids.. Where did you read that I was wanting anything else? I was simply stating the reality of the situtation! of course I realise the impact on my children with them being treated unfairly... that was the whole point of my original email! Things take time.. the resources are not just forth coming. I just called to see if I could get counselling for my children and I, and it seems we are covered by our insurance BUT we have to pay a $350 deductible and pay %50 of the cost of each session. So while there are resources, some are not practical. I am not still here for the kids.. I am here cus I have no where to go at this point unless you think raising children on the street is acceptable. Angel >> We all have choices.. but sometimes those choices are both undesireable.. >> I want to do what is best for my children. What I want and what I can do [quoted text clipped - 18 lines] > > Jess > I am not still here for the kids.. I am here cus I have no where to go at > this point unless you think raising children on the street is acceptable. Of course not, but neither is it entirely hopeless. It's sad, painful and painstakingly slow, I understand. But you can do it. Jess I know that.. but right now I am not in a positive frame of mind. I think it is understandable considering my situation. Angel >> I am not still here for the kids.. I am here cus I have no where to go at >> this point unless you think raising children on the street is acceptable. [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > > Jess >I know that.. but right now I am not in a positive frame of mind. I think >it is understandable considering my situation. It might be more productive to think about how you can and are going to change your situation instead of focusing on how bad it is now. Jess and it might be more compassionate of you to stop reminding me what a poor job I am doing. Angel >>I know that.. but right now I am not in a positive frame of mind. I think >>it is understandable considering my situation. [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > > Jess > and it might be more compassionate of you to stop reminding me what a poor > job I am doing. I didn't say anything about you doing a poor job-matter of fact, I told you that you are a capable person. I did suggest that changing your perspective a bit might help pull you out of this depressed mood. As far as compassion-well, you have it. For all the good it'll do you. I prefer something a bit more tangible when I offer support. Jess > first off I never said I was staying for the kids! I said I wanted to leave > FOR THE kids.. [quoted text clipped - 7 lines] > > Things take time.. the resources are not just forth coming. It seems to me like you need to create your own resources, not expect them to fall from the sky. You said you don't drive. Why? Unless there is compelling reason, get thee to the DMV. Mobility is a form of self-sufficiency. Have you started applying for jobs? It sounds like you are computer literate. Start there. Yes, it will be an entry-level position. But, you probably WILL be in an entry-level position wherever and whenever you start, and the longer you wait, the longer it will take to move up. Look into community college courses. One at a time eventually gets you there. One thing is for certain -- you will go no where if you aren't willing to *move* (and I don't mean move out, I mean make changes). Sheila > You can tell yourself you have all the power in the world but if you don't > have the resources then it is just a word. Listen, if you want out of the marriage, go see a divorce lawyer. They will often give low- or no-cost consultations. The lawyer can tell you exactly what you'll get if you leave. In the states, depending upon what state you live in and how long you've been married, you may be eligible for short- or long-term spousal support from your husband. You will be eligible for some percentage of your community assets (i.e., things you've accumulated while you were married). That your ex isn't paying support is your problem, surely Canada has enforcement mechanisms. Your children deserve that money. Look into how to get the ball rolling with the Canadian authorities, or the authorities where you live. Every state has some kind of child support enforcement division that will at least talk to you for free. You sound really sad and frustrated and fed up, and I don't blame you. But if you want out, there are ways out that won't leave you destitute. If you aren't willing to figure out what they are, then take responsibility that you're staying by choice, and not because there's 'nothing better' for you out there. rebecca I've spoken to both the USA and the Canadian enforcement.. since we live in different countries they say they cannot do anything. Even though it states that they do enforce other countries. As for him paying any sort of support.. I wouldn't hold my breath.. even if I was awarded something he will just do what he did when he divorced from his first wife.. he took all his money out of the bank and changed banks and reported false earnings etc. I live in Wa state which I believe entitles me to half of everything..but half of nothing is still nothing LOL as a matter of fact I will be responsible for half of any debt he has. again I didn't say I have no choices.. I said they are not ones that are any better than where I am right now. I realise from your perspective it probably looks really easy to just leave... but again,, when you have no where to go.. and no way to support your children..who in their right mind would take their children to the streets?? I need time to make things happen..it doesn't happen overnight.. so cut me some slack here please. I guess I really need support more than scenarios that make everything seem too easy. Angel >> You can tell yourself you have all the power in the world but if you >> don't have the resources then it is just a word. [quoted text clipped - 20 lines] > > rebecca > I guess I really need support more than scenarios that make everything seem > too easy. What kind of support do you think you need? You see, what I'm reading IS support, IMO. Support of the best kind, too, again IMO. This is laying out your options, telling you ways to get somewhere, to make your situation better. If you're wanting support of the kind where people just say 'Yeah, it sucks. You're stuck. Nothing you can do. He's a jerk', well, that kinda support doesn't happen too often around here. Tracey > The children's father is not in a position to help out even if he wanted his > children closer. He is > living with a woman and supporting her and her son. Got it! > We all have choices.. but sometimes those choices are both undesireable.. > I want to do what is best for my children. What I want and what I can do are > two different things. Well, I have learned in my recovery that sometimes *I* get so wrapped up in the problem that *I* don't see any other options. I have found that there are *always* options - sometimes they are ones that I can't see or can't think of, and sometimes they are ones that are unacceptable to me. > You can tell yourself you have all the power in the world but if you don't > have the resources then it is just a word. That has not been my experience. I have really benefitted from a "fake it until you make it" philosophy. In fact, having an attitude of gratitude has both changed and saved my life, and it hasn't been about learning how to accept unacceptable behavior but more of how to change my attitude and my behavior and then my external surroundings follow along naturally. I know this doesn't make sense to many and doesn't work for everyone. So please take what you can use (if anything at all) and leave the rest here. I wish I had some good advice for you or some answers to what sounds like a pretty awful unworkable situation. I don't know you and don't know what's best for you or what might work. But I do know I've been in some really awful unworkable situations and somehow I've (as most of us here) eventually found my way out of it. And for *me* it started in my head - with my attitude. We (most of us) hang out here to try to share what we have learned in hopes that something in there might help someone else. Sometimes it does and sometimes - this time - we seem to be of no help at all. I'm glad you wrote here anyway, there is just something about putting it out there into the Universe that seems to help. With hope and heart, Kathleen > No, before I moved a thousand miles away, I lived a few hundred miles away > and it was the same thing, he saw them once a year even though he had a [quoted text clipped - 12 lines] > You can tell yourself you have all the power in the world but if you don't > have the resources then it is just a word. Angel, I've been real close to where you are. It took several years to position myself to have a different life - there is no magic fix, it takes time and effort. Speaking for myself, once I reached the point of being sick and tired of being both dirt poor and treated badly, I had to decide whether to just go get an entry level job or whether to go back to school and train for a better job. It was a hard choice, actually. The entry level job would have immediately improved my finances somewhat - but would have limited my future advancement and earnings. Going back to school would have delayed earning an income, but would have improved the odds of supporting myself for years to come. I opted to go back to school, and have never regretted it - I have a much, much, much better job than I could ever have gotten without it. I've supported myself and the kids for several years now, as a result. Your circumstances may differ, of course, and what was right for my family may not be right for yours. One thing that made a difference to me was checking into the availability of financial aid. It turned out that as an adult with children, I was actually eligible for *more* financial aid than a kid right out of high school. Between grants, scholarships, and the work-study program I actually made a profit going to school - my financial aid came to more than the tuition, and the rest went into my pocket. There was also a period of time in which I got a grant to pay for babysitting while I went to school. This would be a long term thing, if you decided to go that route - not a quick fix - and going back to school has the potential to change your family dynamics a lot. Do you think your husband would put up barriers? If you decided to do it anyway, despite that, do you think he would treat you better or worse? (some guys become more hostile when they feel their control is threatened, but some will treat you nicer because either they don't want to lose you, or because they have more respect for you if they don't think of you as a doormat). My point is, if you don't have the resources to improve your life now, then you have to figure out how to marshall the resources. There are resources available, but first you have to find them, then figure out how to take advantage of them. It isn't easy. It isn't quick. It also isn't impossible. Good luck - I wish you and your family well. Joy (who mostly just occasionally lurks, but your story tugged my heartstrings) Angel I have read with interest your post and some of the helpful advice that has been posted to you. I really feel for you and hope that you can find a way out of this mess. Can I give you some pointers of my own? About your marriage - consider going to a counsellor on your own to vent your frustrations, often just having a person listen will give you the opputunity to find your own answers. 2 - Do you still love your husband? It sounds very onesided in your relationship and it maybe helpful to do a "pro's and con's list" on your relationship. Decide then whether it is worht holding on to or moving on. 3 - What about your children, discuss with them whether they are happy, whether they have any thoughts of their own future... About your career - just because you have been mothering for the past 19 years does NOT mean you do not have any skills. You need some validation for the multi tasking you have performed. Write them down Angel and begin to feel better about the various talents you can attribute to being a mum. Here are some to get you started...Nurse, teacher, psychologist, taxi driver, carer, cleaner, social worker, advocate, (go from here) Many employers now recognise that mothers display many qualities that are paramount in the work industry. If you are still feeling less that confident about your amazing abilities, try starting off with some volunteer work in an industry that interests you. This is two fold, if keeps you busy, you can sometimes elect to do this during school hours and it counts as recognised prior learning if you decide to follow on and complete a degree or course through school. As for the bank account - your name IS on the account. You are entitled to at least half of that money. I would not necessarily ask to withdraw it. He obviously does not pay you the same respect. I would also be opening my own account and depositing a weekly amount in to it (just in case). On a funnier note remembering that you have cooked, cleaned and cared for your husband and his children, you may like to find out what the award rates (per hour) are for those job titles i.e nanny, cleaner, cheg, taxi driver "mistress", and then multiply that by the number of hours your have performed these tasks. Tell yourself that you are worth every penny and that your job is very important. You are his partner and should be treated as such, although I sense here from you Angel that maybe you don't consider yourself that important. I believe it is all to do with how you see yourself first... Good luck Teresa Here is my situation. I have three biological children. ages 10, 15, and 19. I have two twin step sons age 16 as well. My children live with us 24/7 and see their dad once a year (He lives in Canada). Up until last year my step children were also living with us full time..even though my husband was still paying $800 a month for child support because he was too lazy to go back to court and get the order changed. Anyway.. his boys moved back with their mom when they entered highschool last year...because she lives across the street from the school and we live about a half hour walk..which my son does everyday! So... the time has come that there are old enough to get their drivers licenses! My husband took HIS boys out for months and months to teach them, along with their mother. My son will be 16 in two months and so far he has taken him out less than a handful of times and the last time was about 6 months ago! I find out recently that my husband told the boys that if they save money up for a car he will match whatever they save! He didn't tell me this mind you..only them. When I found this out I was very upset. My son doesn't get an allowance! When his father sends child support he gets some of that. Of course since he might not have had money for months and months..he wants to spend it. Of course if I knew he was going to be saving so that my husband could match it.. I would have encouraged him to save some! ...Anyway... my step sons both went to do their drivers last week and one passed one failed. My husband has been going to look at cars with them but he told me that they aren't buying one.. just looking!!! So this morning I go and look at our bank account and he has withdrawn $1000 and given it to one of his boys! He is going to take the other $1000 when his other son redoes his test and passes!! My son will be going for his license in a couple months and there is no way he can save anything by then. I have brought this to my husbands attention. He doesn't care. He said he made a promise to them and he has to keep it. I told him it was flawed from the get go because he KNEW my son would never be able to save any money while his kids get money all the time!! My older son wasn't even included in this "deal" he got a job and bought his own first car, which is whatwe intially agreed all of the kids would do... its not like we have money!! We pay $1500 mortgage and $800 on child support every month!! So I am very upset.. I think this is very unfair. I just am so upset by the whole thing that I really don't know what to do. My husband told my son last night that once he finished reading the drivers book that he would start taking him out to drive! Well his boys didn't have that stipulation!!! on a side note.. when my oldest son was learning to drive..I went through this same thing.. he ended up not getting his license until he was 17 because my husband was procrastinating!! I don't drive..or I would do it.. I would like to hear any suggestions, thoughts or comments.. I am so upset I am shaking and feel ill :( Angel Thank you for all your information and ideas! I do appreciate it very much. I guess I feel like I am not important in this marriage because he has taught me that. He is very controlling and only thinks of himself. I just have to try and do little things for myself so I don't lose myself. There are so many things that I am not allowed to do because they intefere with whatever is going on with him..but I don't get the same rights at all. I had to give up some of my personal habits because they bothered him. ie, reading in bed, listening to the radio in bed, no lights on at night... but he snores incessantly and it keeps me awake every night yet he refuses to do anything about it, so I started sleeping elsewhere in the house and of course he has a problem with that. HE has even gone as far as to tell me that there is a pecking order and as he works he needs his sleep more than I do. I may add that he goes to work 2 hours before anyone else at his company does, by choice! I know I have skills, I know I am intelligent, but some people don't even want to give you the chance to show that. I am good at juggling things. I own several websites that I update regularily, I belong to many yahoogroups, and I own several as well, I own a weight loss group for which I keep the stats for all the members on their own individual web pages. I helped oragnize my high school's 100's anniversary but emailing thousands of alumni and then organised a mailing list and website for said event! I have 5 children so I know how to be organized. I also am a graphics artist and have many customers, but it is not something that would support me and my children, it is more like something I love to do but I don't charge much. anyway.. I am considering counseling for sure, I even found two counselors that I am going to call and see what their rates are. I hope we are covered so that I can get my head clear on all that is going on. thank you again..I just feel like I have no one on my side to support me. Angel Angel I have read with interest your post and some of the helpful advice that has been posted to you. I really feel for you and hope that you can find a way out of this mess. Can I give you some pointers of my own? About your marriage - consider going to a counsellor on your own to vent your frustrations, often just having a person listen will give you the opputunity to find your own answers. 2 - Do you still love your husband? It sounds very onesided in your relationship and it maybe helpful to do a "pro's and con's list" on your relationship. Decide then whether it is worht holding on to or moving on. 3 - What about your children, discuss with them whether they are happy, whether they have any thoughts of their own future... About your career - just because you have been mothering for the past 19 years does NOT mean you do not have any skills. You need some validation for the multi tasking you have performed. Write them down Angel and begin to feel better about the various talents you can attribute to being a mum. Here are some to get you started...Nurse, teacher, psychologist, taxi driver, carer, cleaner, social worker, advocate, (go from here) Many employers now recognise that mothers display many qualities that are paramount in the work industry. If you are still feeling less that confident about your amazing abilities, try starting off with some volunteer work in an industry that interests you. This is two fold, if keeps you busy, you can sometimes elect to do this during school hours and it counts as recognised prior learning if you decide to follow on and complete a degree or course through school. As for the bank account - your name IS on the account. You are entitled to at least half of that money. I would not necessarily ask to withdraw it. He obviously does not pay you the same respect. I would also be opening my own account and depositing a weekly amount in to it (just in case). On a funnier note remembering that you have cooked, cleaned and cared for your husband and his children, you may like to find out what the award rates (per hour) are for those job titles i.e nanny, cleaner, cheg, taxi driver "mistress", and then multiply that by the number of hours your have performed these tasks. Tell yourself that you are worth every penny and that your job is very important. You are his partner and should be treated as such, although I sense here from you Angel that maybe you don't consider yourself that important. I believe it is all to do with how you see yourself first... Good luck Teresa "Angel" <book4s3@damrrions.com> wrote in message news:apGdnf3xb_smc_rfRVn-gQ@comcast.com... Here is my situation. I have three biological children. ages 10, 15, and 19. I have two twin step sons age 16 as well. My children live with us 24/7 and see their dad once a year (He lives in Canada). Up until last year my step children were also living with us full time..even though my husband was still paying $800 a month for child support because he was too lazy to go back to court and get the order changed. Anyway.. his boys moved back with their mom when they entered highschool last year...because she lives across the street from the school and we live about a half hour walk..which my son does everyday! So... the time has come that there are old enough to get their drivers licenses! My husband took HIS boys out for months and months to teach them, along with their mother. My son will be 16 in two months and so far he has taken him out less than a handful of times and the last time was about 6 months ago! I find out recently that my husband told the boys that if they save money up for a car he will match whatever they save! He didn't tell me this mind you..only them. When I found this out I was very upset. My son doesn't get an allowance! When his father sends child support he gets some of that. Of course since he might not have had money for months and months..he wants to spend it. Of course if I knew he was going to be saving so that my husband could match it.. I would have encouraged him to save some! ...Anyway... my step sons both went to do their drivers last week and one passed one failed. My husband has been going to look at cars with them but he told me that they aren't buying one.. just looking!!! So this morning I go and look at our bank account and he has withdrawn $1000 and given it to one of his boys! He is going to take the other $1000 when his other son redoes his test and passes!! My son will be going for his license in a couple months and there is no way he can save anything by then. I have brought this to my husbands attention. He doesn't care. He said he made a promise to them and he has to keep it. I told him it was flawed from the get go because he KNEW my son would never be able to save any money while his kids get money all the time!! My older son wasn't even included in this "deal" he got a job and bought his own first car, which is whatwe intially agreed all of the kids would do... its not like we have money!! We pay $1500 mortgage and $800 on child support every month!! So I am very upset.. I think this is very unfair. I just am so upset by the whole thing that I really don't know what to do. My husband told my son last night that once he finished reading the drivers book that he would start taking him out to drive! Well his boys didn't have that stipulation!!! on a side note.. when my oldest son was learning to drive..I went through this same thing.. he ended up not getting his license until he was 17 because my husband was procrastinating!! I don't drive..or I would do it.. I would like to hear any suggestions, thoughts or comments.. I am so upset I am shaking and feel ill :( Angel Thank you for all your information and ideas! I do appreciate it very much. I guess I feel like I am not important in this marriage because he has taught me that. Angel you are a very intelligent person and it is time to read between the lines okay? He is very controlling and only thinks of himself. I just have to try and do little things for myself so I don't lose myself. NO ONE has the right to step on you and make you do anything without YOUR permission! Think about this. He treats you this way because you tell him that it is accepatable. Change this. There are so many things that I am not allowed to do because they intefere with whatever is going on with him..but I don't get the same rights at all. I had to give up some of my personal habits because they bothered him. ie, reading in bed, listening to the radio in bed, no lights on at night... but he snores incessantly and it keeps me awake every night yet he refuses to do anything about it, so I started sleeping elsewhere in the house and of course he has a problem with that. HE has even gone as far as to tell me that there is a pecking order and as he works he needs his sleep more than I do. I may add that he goes to work 2 hours before anyone else at his company does, by choice! You are not a child, Since when did marriage become a question of giving up things?. Comprimise is one thing but "not being allowed" to be yourself is controlling and can lead to mental abuse. Angel be careful here, again your husband will continue to treat you like this unless you begin to stand up for yourself, and really what have you got to lose? I know I have skills, I know I am intelligent, but some people don't even want to give you the chance to show that. Angel, keep telling yourself that you are intelligent, you are capable of so much more than you give yourself credit for. Learn to accept that this man would be at a loss without you, but more importantly that YOU will be lost if you don't do something that at least celebrates your talents in life. I am good at juggling things. I own several websites that I update regularily, I belong to many yahoogroups, and I own several as well, I own a weight loss group for which I keep the stats for all the members on their own individual web pages. I helped oragnize my high school's 100's anniversary but emailing thousands of alumni and then organised a mailing list and website for said event! I have 5 children so I know how to be organized. I also am a graphics artist and have many customers, but it is not something that would support me and my children, it is more like something I love to do but I don't charge much. Angel, you have just written the rough draft of a sekection criteria for a job application. I have no doubt that you could use this experience in plenty of job related industries. I think you are just lacking confidence and I may be presumptious here but lack of family support goes a long way doesn't it. You sound as if you weren't that close to your own family either and I beleive that can have a lot to do with how you live your life as an adult. (I deserve no better so I get no better...) You must stop thinking like this! anyway.. I am considering counseling for sure, I even found two counselors that I am going to call and see what their rates are. I hope we are covered so that I can get my head clear on all that is going on. thank you again..I just feel like I have no one on my side to support me. You are always supported Angel please remember life is just one big lesson. "God never gives you the ticket before you get on the bus" Keep us informed of your progressional changes as they happen. Kind regards Teresa Angel "Teresa & Peter" <peteresa55@bigpond.com.au> wrote in message news:Wv_9e.19461$5F3.12330@news-server.bigpond.net.au... Angel I have read with interest your post and some of the helpful advice that has been posted to you. I really feel for you and hope that you can find a way out of this mess. Can I give you some pointers of my own? About your marriage - consider going to a counsellor on your own to vent your frustrations, often just having a person listen will give you the opputunity to find your own answers. 2 - Do you still love your husband? It sounds very onesided in your relationship and it maybe helpful to do a "pro's and con's list" on your relationship. Decide then whether it is worht holding on to or moving on. 3 - What about your children, discuss with them whether they are happy, whether they have any thoughts of their own future... About your career - just because you have been mothering for the past 19 years does NOT mean you do not have any skills. You need some validation for the multi tasking you have performed. Write them down Angel and begin to feel better about the various talents you can attribute to being a mum. Here are some to get you started...Nurse, teacher, psychologist, taxi driver, carer, cleaner, social worker, advocate, (go from here) Many employers now recognise that mothers display many qualities that are paramount in the work industry. If you are still feeling less that confident about your amazing abilities, try starting off with some volunteer work in an industry that interests you. This is two fold, if keeps you busy, you can sometimes elect to do this during school hours and it counts as recognised prior learning if you decide to follow on and complete a degree or course through school. As for the bank account - your name IS on the account. You are entitled to at least half of that money. I would not necessarily ask to withdraw it. He obviously does not pay you the same respect. I would also be opening my own account and depositing a weekly amount in to it (just in case). On a funnier note remembering that you have cooked, cleaned and cared for your husband and his children, you may like to find out what the award rates (per hour) are for those job titles i.e nanny, cleaner, cheg, taxi driver "mistress", and then multiply that by the number of hours your have performed these tasks. Tell yourself that you are worth every penny and that your job is very important. You are his partner and should be treated as such, although I sense here from you Angel that maybe you don't consider yourself that important. I believe it is all to do with how you see yourself first... Good luck Teresa "Angel" <book4s3@damrrions.com> wrote in message news:apGdnf3xb_smc_rfRVn-gQ@comcast.com... Here is my situation. I have three biological children. ages 10, 15, and 19. I have two twin step sons age 16 as well. My children live with us 24/7 and see their dad once a year (He lives in Canada). Up until last year my step children were also living with us full time..even though my husband was still paying $800 a month for child support because he was too lazy to go back to court and get the order changed. Anyway.. his boys moved back with their mom when they entered highschool last year...because she lives across the street from the school and we live about a half hour walk..which my son does everyday! So... the time has come that there are old enough to get their drivers licenses! My husband took HIS boys out for months and months to teach them, along with their mother. My son will be 16 in two months and so far he has taken him out less than a handful of times and the last time was about 6 months ago! I find out recently that my husband told the boys that if they save money up for a car he will match whatever they save! He didn't tell me this mind you..only them. When I found this out I was very upset. My son doesn't get an allowance! When his father sends child support he gets some of that. Of course since he might not have had money for months and months..he wants to spend it. Of course if I knew he was going to be saving so that my husband could match it.. I would have encouraged him to save some! ...Anyway... my step sons both went to do their drivers last week and one passed one failed. My husband has been going to look at cars with them but he told me that they aren't buying one.. just looking!!! So this morning I go and look at our bank account and he has withdrawn $1000 and given it to one of his boys! He is going to take the other $1000 when his other son redoes his test and passes!! My son will be going for his license in a couple months and there is no way he can save anything by then. I have brought this to my husbands attention. He doesn't care. He said he made a promise to them and he has to keep it. I told him it was flawed from the get go because he KNEW my son would never be able to save any money while his kids get money all the time!! My older son wasn't even included in this "deal" he got a job and bought his own first car, which is whatwe intially agreed all of the kids would do... its not like we have money!! We pay $1500 mortgage and $800 on child support every month!! So I am very upset.. I think this is very unfair. I just am so upset by the whole thing that I really don't know what to do. My husband told my son last night that once he finished reading the drivers book that he would start taking him out to drive! Well his boys didn't have that stipulation!!! on a side note.. when my oldest son was learning to drive..I went through this same thing.. he ended up not getting his license until he was 17 because my husband was procrastinating!! I don't drive..or I would do it.. I would like to hear any suggestions, thoughts or comments.. I am so upset I am shaking and feel ill :( Angel You're aware that in newsgroups, most people can't or won't read messages with html coding, right? Jess "Angel" <ask@me.com> wrote in message news:7rednbXwU9aAhPTfRVn-tg@comcast.com... Thank you for all your information and ideas! I do appreciate it very much. Please excuse the ignorance, I have no idea what you are even talking about....maybe you could explain? Hang on...I think I just changed the settings now. Sorry about that learning as I go... Teresa You're aware that in newsgroups, most people can't or won't read messages with html coding, right? Jess Thank you for all your information and ideas! I do appreciate it very much. > Please excuse the ignorance, I have no idea what you are even talking > about....maybe you could explain? > Hang on...I think I just changed the settings now. Sorry about that > learning > as I go... That's better, yes. :) Jess Just a quick and dirty suggestion: what you have is not really a stepparenting problem; it's a marital problem. You two are not on equal footing in the marriage, and therefore it's not surprising that your kids are not on equal footing with his. Not in the sense of "my husband doesn't treat my kids the same way he does his," but in the sense of "I don't have the freedom to treat my kids the way my husband does his kids." Here is my situation. I have three biological children. ages 10, 15, and 19. I have two twin step sons age 16 as well. My children live with us 24/7 and see their dad once a year (He lives in Canada). Up until last year my step children were also living with us full time..even though my husband was still paying $800 a month for child support because he was too lazy to go back to court and get the order changed. Anyway.. his boys moved back with their mom when they entered highschool last year...because she lives across the street from the school and we live about a half hour walk..which my son does everyday! So... the time has come that there are old enough to get their drivers licenses! My husband took HIS boys out for months and months to teach them, along with their mother. My son will be 16 in two months and so far he has taken him out less than a handful of times and the last time was about 6 months ago! I find out recently that my husband told the boys that if they save money up for a car he will match whatever they save! He didn't tell me this mind you..only them. When I found this out I was very upset. My son doesn't get an allowance! When his father sends child support he gets some of that. Of course since he might not have had money for months and months..he wants to spend it. Of course if I knew he was going to be saving so that my husband could match it.. I would have encouraged him to save some! ...Anyway... my step sons both went to do their drivers last week and one passed one failed. My husband has been going to look at cars with them but he told me that they aren't buying one.. just looking!!! So this morning I go and look at our bank account and he has withdrawn $1000 and given it to one of his boys! He is going to take the other $1000 when his other son redoes his test and passes!! My son will be going for his license in a couple months and there is no way he can save anything by then. I have brought this to my husbands attention. He doesn't care. He said he made a promise to them and he has to keep it. I told him it was flawed from the get go because he KNEW my son would never be able to save any money while his kids get money all the time!! My older son wasn't even included in this "deal" he got a job and bought his own first car, which is whatwe intially agreed all of the kids would do... its not like we have money!! We pay $1500 mortgage and $800 on child support every month!! So I am very upset.. I think this is very unfair. I just am so upset by the whole thing that I really don't know what to do. My husband told my son last night that once he finished reading the drivers book that he would start taking him out to drive! Well his boys didn't have that stipulation!!! on a side note.. when my oldest son was learning to drive..I went through this same thing.. he ended up not getting his license until he was 17 because my husband was procrastinating!! I don't drive..or I would do it.. I would like to hear any suggestions, thoughts or comments.. I am so upset I am shaking and feel ill :( Angel well I did say that this was just ONE issue, yes the basic issue is there is no equality in this marriage whatsoever! When I was dating my husband, he would discipline my children and harshly, by screaming at them, calling them names etc, and I stepped in and said it was not acceptable. He told me that when I met his kids and saw how mannerly etc they were because of his parenting that I would understand. Fast forward a couple years when I finally me them... this man is in total denial! He was and is the biggest pushover with his children. What they want, they get. We talked about what we wanted for our children and were in agreement on most issues. But when the time came to implement some of these plans, he waffled! We agreed our kids would not be allowed to date til they were 16. His son has been dating a girl since he was 14 only because his father refused to enforce the rule. We agreed they would get jobs at 16 and buy their own cars, he renegged on that. We had a chore schedule set up .. he renegged on that because he said it wasn't fair that his kids had to do chores at both parents houses. But it still equals the same amount of chores.. but he didn't see that.. so now his kids do nothing at our place. sigh.. I just feel like a complainer as I am sitting here typing all of this.. there is just so much conflict.. I really should just stop before I bore everyone to death LOL thanks again for listening angel > Just a quick and dirty suggestion: what you have is not really a > stepparenting problem; it's a marital problem. You two are not on equal [quoted text clipped - 83 lines] > > Angel |
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