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Family Forum / Parenting / Step Parents / April 2005I'm at the end of my rope, please help
I have been with my hubby for almost 2 years now. And I am about to just say forget it and leave because i don't know how to handle this particular issue. I am trying to make this short so please have patience. 1 of my step daughters (age 13) has this thing about plundering through my things. I have had items broken, lost , and stashed in her closet. About every 3-4 months something occurs. Maybe I am old fashioned, but personal property is just that, personal. As of right now, my hubby and I are not speaking to each other because as he says 'I am repeating myself.' I am upset because everytime something of mine is taken destroyed or plundered, NOTHING is ever done, except he makes her 'apologize'. (which is never an apology, it's always an excuse.. I didn't know it was yours, blah blah blah.. However if something should happen to any pf his belongings, EVERYBODY gets in trouble until somebody fesses up to it. He says I am blowing this out of proportion, I say I am not. Handle it and if it happens again, handle it better, ect. Any ideas? I really don't want to leave. I do love him with all my heart, but why should I allow his child to do something that I don't alow my own children to do? >I have been with my hubby for almost 2 years now. And I am about to just > say forget it and leave because i don't know how to handle this particular > issue. I am trying to make this short so please have patience. > 1 of my step daughters (age 13) has this thing about plundering through > my things. I have had items broken, lost , and stashed in her closet. Ah, where's Jennaii when you need her? How often do you see the SD? Is locking up your personal belongings when she's home an option? Is SD required to repay/fix/replace what she breaks? rebecca She lives with us. At this point, I have everything locked up. So I have to pull out what I need to get ready for work, ect. >She lives with us. At this point, I have everything locked up. So I have to >pull out what I need to get ready for work, ect. I sympathize. I've been locking up my personal things for years. I moved into their household where (i eventually learned) anything in the house was there for the taking (food, toiletries, linens, office-type supplies, and just misc. stuff) unless i keep it in my room. I've always lived in households where people asked before taking things, so this has been a whole new experience for me. everything is/has been in my bedroom. Yes, if somebody asks me for it, I will 99.99% of the time give it to them. And all 4 of my step children know this. This isn't the first time i have had this issue. about every 3-4 months something along these lines will happen. > She lives with us. At this point, I have everything locked up. So I have > to > pull out what I need to get ready for work, ect. Sorry, that's a tough problem, especially if she's not required to make amends in any real way. I guess I would say - take a hard look at what you _might_ be a little oversensitive about, or what you feel you can let slide, and focus hard on training everyone to leave alone the things you really care about. Um, example. My CD collection is in alpha order (shut up everyone, I know I'm anal). My 9YO SS has discovered music, he likes the same kinds I do. After butting heads and me being resentful for a while, I've given up on the alpha order (mostly) and he's stopped removing the liner notes and has started returning them to the CD shelves (mostly). Neither of us is perfectly happy, but we're living with it without fighting all the time. This is more of a husband problem, you do know that? When your SD damages something, what happens? Do you buy yourself a replacement? Does your husband buy one? rebecca and no she doesn't have to fix repair nor replace anything nothing his her fault, even when she is caught, 'the baby put in her room, the baby broke it, so on and so forth. Is there some way you can teach her responsibility? Give her pocket money for chores etc thus teaching her the value of money etc then making her pay for the damages? Maybe thinking about things on her level, she obviously likes you or at least likes what you represent or maybe wants to take away what you represent. Can you possibly talk to her about this? Hmm more consequences, maybe having to take money out of the entertainment budget for repairs/replacements might make hubby sit up and take notice. Can you ground her? Maybe implement a plan and sit down calmly with your hubby and step children and make them aware of privacy and consequences and what will take place if these situations occur. Do not point the finger here it is more important to calmly say your piece and get everyone to agree on the consequences (before) another situation takes place. Furthermore it would seem that your SD is looking for a reaction which is exactly what you are giving her. Actions speak louder than words, do rather than say, warn her once, "If this happens again then the consequences will be ..." then if it does happen again, say nothing and carry out with the consequences Hope this helps Teresa "tbear" <tbairdmorris@nospam .yahoo.com> wrote in message news:20302631f3b98ff0e31cf4129255568d@localhost.talkaboutparenting.com... > I have been with my hubby for almost 2 years now. And I am about to just > say forget it and leave because i don't know how to handle this particular [quoted text clipped - 16 lines] > but why should I allow his child to do something that I don't alow my own > children to do? > I have been with my hubby for almost 2 years now. And I am about to just > say forget it and leave because i don't know how to handle this particular [quoted text clipped - 9 lines] > is never an apology, it's always an excuse.. I didn't know it was yours, > blah blah blah.. I know that right now you are focusing your "upset" at the daughter, but I think the real problem is your husband. I don't mean to excuse the SD's behavior, but kids break rules; it's part of being a kid/having a kid. It's how you *deal* with it that is the contentious issue, and your husband is not helping you in that regard (and he's the one who chose to marry you and set up this situation in the first place, not the SD.) > However if something should happen to any pf his belongings, EVERYBODY > gets in trouble until somebody fesses up to it. > He says I am blowing this out of proportion, I say I am not. Handle it > and if it happens again, handle it better, ect. I'm not sure who the "handle it" is directed at. Is he telling you to handle it, or are you telling him to handle it? > Any ideas? I really don't want to leave. I do love him with all my heart, > but why should I allow his child to do something that I don't alow my own > children to do? I would sit down and talk to him when you're not in the emotional heat of one of these incidents. And I would make the focus on consistent rules and adjusting as a step family, with "my stuff is getting destroyed" as a footnote to the discussion. If you go in all "my favorite blouse got trashed" guns a-blazin', you're going to continue to get the eye rolling "you're making a big deal out of nothing" response. Because really, I suspect it's *not* about the property. If you visual that pile of stuff on one side of the scale and your marriage on the other--surely your marriage weighs more. But being respected and feeling like equal players on a team *is* important. Thank you. After a couple of hours, I was no longer upset with SD ( as a matter of fact I am planning her surprise Bday party for next Saturday). I am very upset with H. As you pointed out, it isn't the 'stuff', material objects are not very important to me, other than shoes, I keep things to a minimum, enough clothing for work and play, my crafts, toiletries, hair supplies (I donate my hair to the Locks Of Love Foundation so I take very good care of it), jewelry, ect., It's the respect. I do not understand how he can let this happen again and again. I am not allowed to 'handle' anything when it comes to his children. I can not correct their behavior in any way. He tells me 'I will handle it' and when she walks in with a smile on her face happy as can be, I know he did nothing other than to let her feed him another excuse, another lie, and another 'the baby did it' story. After 16 years following the same rules-- NO DON'T INTERFER-- THEY ARE MY CHILDREN...I'm so sorry to tell you that it does not get any easier. I was married twice before, and left and divorced because of step-children. Then before I married again, I made a decison, that HE HAS CHILDREN... I WILL NOT INTERFER.... and that I am making my bed.. either stay single or take the lumps. I decided that life was too short and wanted to stay with the one love of my life.. and his childrn. I only talked to his children when necessary, but was very kind to them. They were not friends just family. The only rules I gave my husband was that if he gave money or co-signed for cars, that he would get a second job to support his kids. Now that isn't saying we (he and I) were not geneous both financially and loving - almost to a fault. But, when you make up your mind that love to your husband and love for your God is the most inportant thing in your life, Then the anger you have will go away. Trust me... at 58 years old I know. Don't let your mind fight a losing battle. Take the lumps and enjoy your husband. Children were there before you were married. You have to change! not them. I missed my two ex-s... and found that years later I made a positive influence on their children. Now I am a widow...as of seven months and my step children are very kind to me. So find out what you really want... things are just that... things. Who you have next to you is your real choice. May God bless |
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