Family Forum / Parenting / Step Parents / June 2005

What did your father say?

I think she was a bit snarky in the way she addressed it, but the choice to
wear his wedding band from your mother is entirely up to him. Some do, some
don't.

Sounds to me like you're a bit angry with your father, but I will point out
something to you from *my* experience. Cancer doesn't affect just one
person, it affects the entire family. Granted, it may have only been six
months since she died and he was engaged, but you have to look at the whole
picture from his perspective.

In my case, my first husband was diagnosed with colon cancer. The typical
survival time is six months from the date of diagnosis, and he lived nine on
an experimental chemo routine. While he was actively doing chemo for nine
months, he'd been showing symptoms for easily six months before he was
diagnosed. All total, I had to face the possibility of him dying for fifteen
months. By the time he died, I'd finished the majority of my grieving, and
it was about the six month mark that I was able to face the possibility of
dating.

You don't face that possibility day in and day out for months without
preparing for the worst to happen, which it sounds like your father did;
it's fairly common for the family of someone terminally ill to go through
some grieving in advance, as a matter of fact.

To you, it may have only been six months. To him, it's been much, much
longer. And consider it a tribute to your mother-he was happy enough with
your mother that he's secure enough to love someone else too. He won't ever
stop loving your mother, but he's paying her a compliment by loving someone
else.

This isn't her fault-this is between you and your father. She isn't
responsible for his relationship with you, you and your father are. You need
to talk with your father about this.

Well, calling her a bitch perhaps wasn't the most tactful way to handle
that, but I'm not one for tact either. ;) I will point out that just like
your relationship with your father is between you and him, their marriage is
between the two of them and asking *her* about him wearing a symbol of his
last marriage was a bit out of line.

You need to address this with your father. It is ok to be upset if you think
he lied to you and abandoned you and your brother, but none of that has
anything to do with his wife. Those actions are all him and his choices.

Has nothing to do with men and women healing faster. Has to do with him
doing a lot of grieving before your mother died.

You need to discuss this with him, and yes, his wife might get upset, but
it's his problem to deal with.

A card with a simple line of "I'm sorry I've been insulting and
disrespectful to you" might be a good start.

Good luck.

Jess

exact right answer.  Why put her in the middle of your relationship with
your dad, if you want to go out alone with him, you should tell him.

Sorry for your loss.  I lost my mom 2.5 years ago, and it still sucks every
day.  Again, I'm not clear why you're asking your stepmother these
questions.  Why can't you ask your dad?  I'd be/I am very uncomfortable when
my stepson asks me questions that I feel his father really should be
answering.

Well, putting on my compassionate hat, it sort of hurts when your
stepchildren don't like you.  Especially if it's escalated to name-calling.
She's married to your father, your father loves you, you think she sucks.
That's a hard triad to live in, when you're the unpopular one.

I also understand your feelings about the 6 month thing.  My dad remarried a
year after my mom died.  Even though he asked us first if we were okay with
it, it was still weird.  Because accepting that your dad has a new spouse
means really accepting that your mom's dead.  Does that make sense?  In my
case, they actually lived in the house my parents had lived in for 30 years
briefly while they were house-hunting.  That was harder than them getting
married.

Maybe he feels guilty.  Maybe he's reacting to his own grief over your mom.
Doesn't really matter, it's his life and you can't _make_ him respond the
way you want him to.  People are the parents they want to be/can be.  And as
children, adult or not, we have to work on accepting that.  My dad's a
different parent now than he was with my mom, in some ways I like and in
some ways that make me sad.  My husband parents his son differently than he
might have if he'd stayed married to the biomom.

You were out of line.

This is weird and wrong.  Have you tried calling your dad and work and
inviting him out?  Have you tried calling and asking for him directly?  You
should not be going through your stepmother for contact with your father.

rebecca

<delurk>

Hi, Katikins,

Been there, done that, sort of.  When my mother died very suddenly,
all of us were past our teens and most of us were married or living
on our own.  Even though my father was devastated, there was a part
of me that realized before long that someday he would remarry.  I
was even okay with that, depending on who he married.

It was two or three years later when he finally proposed.  I hated
her.  I hated her sleazy sense of humor.  I hated the head games she
played on other members of my family.  I hated her disrespect for my
mother's family so much that I came very, very close to slapping her
filthy face.  I hated the way her kids were disrespectful of my
father.  There's more, but you get the picture.

I stayed as far away as I could for as long as I could.  During family
events at holidays, I spent as little time in her presence as I could
get away with, spoke to her as little as possible, and ate as little
of her cooking as I could.  Mother's Day didn't exist.  I made it a
point not to learn when her birthday was and to forget it every time
anyone called it to my attention.

She never actively came between me and my father, and as far as I know,
she never objected when he wanted to spend time with any of his
children,
with or without her.  We were always welcome in their home.

Fast forward lots of years.  He got sick, very sick, one of those long,
slow,
messy illnesses, with a whole bunch of complications on the side.  The
whole family pulled together to keep him as healthy as possible as long
as
possible.  I didn't believe she would stick it out to the end.  She
did.  She
needed help, as anyone would in that situation, but she did it.
Over the long haul, we became allies in keeping my father comfortable
and
happy.  She lost the dirty sense of humor somewhere.  She still did the
manipulation thing sometimes, but I learned to deal with it or ignore
it.  The
respect I now have for her grew mostly out of watching her persistence.

I hope you never have to go through anything like that last paragraph,
but
things can change for the better, even if that looks impossible now.
Miracles
happen.

Getting closer to your current situation, it sounds like you're still
hurting from losing your mother.  It's normal to take a long time to
recover, and I remember how much it hurt those first few years.
Counseling may help.  When my mom died, I needed outside help to
develop the coping skills I needed to become functional again.  There
are lots of places you can find that kind of help. Clergy or your
doctor should be able to point you to good counseling resources, or
if you're in school or have a job, they may have an assistance program.

If you've read a lot of the threads in this group, you've probably seen
people identifying problems as marital problems, not stepkid problems.
Reading what you've said and remembering what I went through, it looks
to
me like you have more parent problems than step parent problems.  I
know
how much easier it is to blame a stepparent, but the truth is that part
of the
trouble I had was that my father behaved differently around her than he
did
around my mother, and I didn't like the differences.  His change in
behavior
was not my stepmother's fault.  It was the result of his own choices.
I blamed
her anyway, because it was less painful for me to believe it was the
fault of
someone I didn't really care about than to accept that the only parent
I had
left was choosing to behave in a way that I rejected.

This is something else that counseling may help with.  I had to learn
that
people are responsible for their own choices and their own behavior.
I'm
responsible for how I act or react in a situation.  So was my father.

Can you get your father on the phone, just himself?  If not at home, at
work?
If so, ask him to dinner, or maybe lunch on a weekend, and make it
clear
that you would like some one-on-one father-daughter time.  That's an
okay
thing to ask for.  Then, if he accepts, please try hard not to put a
lot of
pressure on him, not the first time or two anyway.  There are a lot
of heavy things you need to discuss with him, but he doesn't sound like
a big talker even at the best of times.  If it works out, maybe you can
make
it a regular thing, once a month or so.  That's not excessive, but it
would
give you something to count on.  If the relationship problems with your
father continue but you really want a relationship with each other,
consider family counseling, at least enough to develop ways to
communicate.

If he declines or makes excuses, and it keeps happening, then that's a
parent issue, not a stepparent issue, no matter what reason he gives.
Your
stepmother was accurate when she said you would have to talk to your
father about just the two of you going out.  The "I'm not invited"
comment
could have been left out, but truly, if you want to see your father,
he's the one
to ask.

I could have written some of what you said about the wedding ring.
While
my mother was alive, he never wore his wedding ring but that never
seemed
to be a problem.  But I hated it that after he remarried he always wore
that
ring.  Thinking about it, I don't remember ever knowing of anyone who
has
been widowed and then remarried wearing a ring from the previous
marriage.  I would not have expected my father to wear my mom's ring
after his new marriage, whatever I thought of the woman he married.

For your relationship with your father's current wife, if you want to
have a relationship, then give it time.  Even if she were perfect, it
would take you
time to get used to the idea, and you haven't had nearly enough time
yet.

Please do forget about name calling, now or ever, her or anyone else,
and as soon as you can do it sincerely, apologize to her, for your own
sake.
If you want ideas how to do it, you can admit you were wrong to call
her
what you called her, say you're sorry, and ask for her forgiveness,
without making excuses for your behavior. If she doesn't want to talk
with
you, write her a note.  It's that important, and you don't have to say
she
was right to admit that in this situation your behavior was wrong.
Then
if she needs it, give her time to accept your apology.  Even if she
never
does, that's her problem, once you have made an honest try at making
things right.  Then don't repeat the behavior you had to apologize for.

Name calling is always bad for the name caller.  It's a kind of
bullying and it damages your integrity.  There are better ways of
dealing
with anger, and that's another area where counseling can help you.
(Can you
tell I'm a big fan of counseling?  Think of it as coping lessons, or
communication lessons, or anger management lessons.  Nobody is born
knowing how to deal with every situation in a healthy way, and you have
had to deal with more grief than most people your age.  Be kind to
yourself,
and find someone who can teach you to deal with the areas where you're
hurting.)

If you can help it, don't try to second-guess her motives.  You can
observe
her behavior, and if she keeps doing the same thing under the same
circumstances, you can call it a pattern and make plans to cope with
it,
but it is possible that she isn't doing it for the reasons you think
she's
doing it.  I've been astonished, amused, and bewildered when I've heard
some of the motives people have thought I had for things I have done,
even people who thought they knew me well.

Stay in touch.  This is a good group.  It deals out more tough love
than warm fuzzies, but if you're willing to learn, the tough love will
do you a lot of good.

Les

</delurk>