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Family Forum / Parenting / Step Parents / August 2005step daughter out of control
she is 14 now, and she is the meanest crulest and the most unrully child. she has thrown her grandmother across the room, abused her step sibblings, abusive to me, and now she has becaome sexuly active with a 18 yr old and other guys that i am not sure of the age of. she is now living with her mother (she was made to we could not keep the other kids or family safe with her)we have told her and made it very clear that we don't her around until she can be respectful she still tryes and gets mad when we don't include her in family outings, the last time she was so disrespectful that our friends were very upset and asked that she don't come back till she is better with respect. i am worried that i am doing something wronge my husband don't much to with her really he is to the point pay the support and be done with done it. when gets around our oldest (12) the she is a bit bitter. and she don't her around her much either. but there is a concert and both are going to be there and i am very worried. our 12 year is very responsible and trust worthy, but i worry with her stop sister going to the concert how can i make sure that she will not bother her. we are dropping her off at there and waiting for the concert to end. her grandpa is working sucurtityand the state troppers are friends of the family too. it is at a fair.state fair. she will have her cell phone with her (she got it for this reason)i have a gut feeling that the step daughter will try to do anything to make it bad or hard on her. this is the first time she is able to do this alone with a friend.and i want it to be one of the best times she will have. am i just over reacting or should i worry like i do? the step daughter choked her at one time and abused her in other ways. help me be ok with it please. > she is 14 now, and she is the meanest crulest and the most unrully > child. she has thrown her grandmother across the room, abused her step [quoted text clipped - 22 lines] > reacting or should i worry like i do? the step daughter choked her at > one time and abused her in other ways. help me be ok with it please. A couple of things here... First off.. it sounds like your step daughter is begging for attention from her parents and since it sounds, from the tiny bit of information I can gleen from this post, that she's not getting any from her father (where is her mother in this?)... Many neglected children tend to act out in this fashion. You, being her step-mother with a husband who isn't interested in parenting have little you can do about the situation, IMO. IMO, you might want to see if you can discuss this with your husband, and help him see how his lack of involvement in his daughter is possibly part of the reason she behaves the way she does.. studies have shown that the lack of father involvement for young girls has a direct effect on their behavior. As for your daughter and SD being at the same concert, other than what you've already done in the way you've raised her at this point, I'm not sure what else you can do unless you keep her home. As long as the two girls live in the same town/area, they will come in contact due to their close age range and you'll just have to prepare your daughter to deal with that. On a final note.. this is something that has been discussed like crazy on this group but you'll get far better response if you use paragraph breaks (at minimum)... it's too difficult to read large chunks of text without them.  SignatureCal~ calliope 123 at gmail dot com i am worried that i am doing something wronge my > husband don't much to with her really he is to the point pay the support > and be done with done it. Hi Roseofblack. There's not much you as a Stepmom can do here, but husband could probably do plenty. Based on what you've wrote here I'm seeing a kid desperate for attention, one who hasn't learned any positive ways to get that attention (and love) from one or both of her parents. It's a crappy situation all the way around. My best advuse would be to encourage positive interaction between father and daughter, and otherwise step back as much as possible. M I do understand what you are saying. She is in need of attention badly i do agree. She does go about the wrong way. She never used to be like this. She was a very loving and caring child. Now she is just mean and hateful. My husband has been there for her. Everytime thoughout her life. Now she tells him that she don't want to talk to him and is not his daughter if he don't let her way. He talks to her about once a week. The visits have basically stopped from her being mean and hateful. She yells and has nothing good to say about us to us or what we are doing. If it is not what she wants all the time then she gets hatefull. I wish i could put everything in here on what she has to endor in the short life she has, but to put it short... Mom allows her to do what she wants and see who wants at her age. She had a 18yr old boyfriend and was having sex and was telling mom and mom did nothing about it. We told her she was not able to date till she was 15yr, mom took her on a date with the 18yr. and that caused a lot prob. and told us that we were nothing to her and didn't want us for a family. Since then she has went with us and talks to her dad as long as dad says "yes" to everything, and doesnt go against what she says. This is why he has cut down the talking to her. He is sick of being "don't talk to me again", "you are nothing to me", and "I will do what I want to and there is nothing you can do about". She proves this everyday. Don't think she is not loved she is told that quit offten. He does what he can, but he has to sit and think if he should take the other kids with him or not, he is done with trying to guess what she will be like if he does include her. There is the other four children and some of them are so scared of her that they don't her near them. Even when she was little mom would not dad see or talk to her, she thought this was a punishment to him. No matter what she was told about it being bad for her. Most of the time it was fight with ex to see the child, now the child is blaming him for it along with me. There is so much more. Thank you This child is foul-mouthed, physically and emotionally abusive to everbody she comes in contact with, sexually active at 14 and maybe with multiple partners and she'sa not in a counselor's office with her parents yet? You guys are the parents right? What's it going to take? Unless you're professionally trained to deal with kind of behavior, I'd find a counselor for her and you guys before somebody gets seriously hurt or she gets pregnant. > This child is foul-mouthed, physically and emotionally abusive to > everbody she comes in contact with, sexually active at 14 and maybe > with multiple partners and she'sa not in a counselor's office with her > parents yet? You guys are the parents right? One is a noncustodial parent, the other is a stepparent. > What's it going to take? Probably the custodial parent's agreement and active involvement. Jess Excellent, well-stated answer. The incentive for that is if the custodial parent DOES NOT agree, the NCP and step-parent can get the child either put into a foster home or instituitionalized because she is a) a danger to others based on throwing her grandmother across a room, being abusive to you and her step-siblings and b)probably breaking the law by having sex with an 18 year old, unless you live somewhere where sex is legal for 14 year olds. Basically this behavior is extreme enough that what ever social servies is called in your state can get involved. I would suggest doing one of the two before somebody gets hurt or she gets pregnant. > Excellent, well-stated answer. The incentive for that is if the > custodial parent DOES NOT agree, the NCP and step-parent can get the [quoted text clipped - 6 lines] > Basically this behavior is extreme enough that what ever social servies > is called in your state can get involved. And what, exactly, do you base this opinion on? Sex at 14, sadly enough, is not that uncommon. And she can say "our kids are step-siblings, and they don't get along". I'm sure someone in authority will fall over dead with shock to hear that. Unless the abuse led to hospital visits and police charges, well, I can name more than a handful of families who've had this problem. Clearly, the kid needs counseling - I take that back, clearly, the family needs counseling if reconciliation is a goal. But honestly, if one family member has gotten to the point of abusing another, you've thrown the kid out already, then you tell the kid left what to do if she gets in a pinch, you prepare as much as you can, and that's that. They're NCP. They've already thrown the kid out. rebecca > Excellent, well-stated answer. The incentive for that is if the > custodial parent DOES NOT agree, the NCP and step-parent can get the [quoted text clipped - 9 lines] > I would suggest doing one of the two before somebody gets hurt or she > gets pregnant. Hi Dennis, A few things. 1. Social Services isn't likely to become involved, especially if it seems as though they're being dragged into a situation with divorced parents. Whatever this girl's behavior she's got two parents able to care for her. Most of the kids Social Services ends up dealing with do not have that luxury. 2. If for some strange reason Social Services did become involved it would most likely being a nightmare for everyone. These are the last people you want to be involved in a family situation. They can wreak havoc on families, even with the best of intentions. M > Excellent, well-stated answer. The incentive for that is if the > custodial parent DOES NOT agree, the NCP and step-parent can get the [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > breaking the law by having sex with an 18 year old, unless you live > somewhere where sex is legal for 14 year olds. I don't know of a state that has made sex illegal-unless it's sex between a minor and an adult, and I don't think a NCP would get anywhere trying to report *that* (after all, it could very easibly be turned out to be the NCP's fault "why were you not adequately supervising your daughter on visitation? we'll just start supervising visitation for you, since you seem to be incompetent") As far as institutionalizing her, that's considered medical treatment-and the only person authorized to do that is the custodial parent. > Basically this behavior is extreme enough that what ever social servies > is called in your state can get involved. Realistically, SS would probably contact the custodial parent of record. If the custodial parent of record went "oh, pooh, it's not That bad", that would probably be the end of that. > I would suggest doing one of the two before somebody gets hurt or she > gets pregnant. Welcome to life as a NCP. Nothing they can do, especially already having kicked the kid out of the house. Jess Except for grandma being thrown across the room, you're probably right. The tragic thing about that is that the child is the loser, ultimately. > Except for grandma being thrown across the room, you're probably right. > > The tragic thing about that is that the child is the loser, ultimately. Well, yeah. It sucks a.s. Welcome to what happens when parents decide that they'd rather dicker and bitch and whine instead of actually parent. And would you *please* quote? For my tenuous grip on sanity, if nothing else? Jess Sure. :) I am happy to answer any ? that anyone has. We have done so much to try to get things better. We have resorted to tuff love, it works sorta of. She was arrested once when she was hitting and bitting me (the step-mom). She did this from being no she could not go to a friends house it was her fathers birthday. She was placed on probation for around 6 months and had to take anger management classes. It started to work, then she thought she was being to good and went to say it was a game for her. She started acting like this when her mother gave birth to her brother-cousin, and Greatgrandmother died. We have talk to the mother many times about getting her in to see if she was bi-polor, and mom aggreed (we have to have her to do it) and when the time came mom took her on a date with the 18yr. Mom don't want to do anything and can't because we are not custodial. I want to keep her in our lifes but I can't keep letting her come around when she is as disrepectful as she is. I have to take into account the other four children. We have attemped to talk to her (the daughter) and she don't believe that she has done anything wrong to warrent any actions that is being taken. > I want to keep her in our lifes All this stuff should be between the father, the mother and the child. Where is he in all this? SignatureCal~ calliope 123 at gmail dot com He is ther trying to get things working and working with me, unlike the mother. I stay out it as much as possible, but with the abuse that has been put upon the family (sibblings and step-grandparents and now uncles.) I have stepped in a bit. I do relize that I am concedered the outsider in all this. (now that she not living with anymore) I have to protect the others. I give my thoughts and suggestions to my husband on what to do, and he takes it from there. He is to the point of tuff love also. He has been lied to and stole from and hit right along with the rest of us. We have had many different interventions set up, but without the mother to go along with them they are of no good. My husband talks to my step-daughter about three times a week. He listens and is tyring to be involved in her life but she don't that, and the mother has acted the same. The only time both want him involved is when they are not getting along or she has boy trouble. THen she don't want to hear what he has to say. He tells her not to lay down with the boys, she tells him she will do what she wants. Therefore he does not have the control that he should and niether does the mother. With every effert that is made to get her on the right track it is blowen out of the water by the mother. She will not go though with anything she says or the rules that is set up. The rules are not only set by her but by my husband and any boyfriend that mom has. I realize that she is confused and needs attention, she does get it even if it is not always good. She is told eveytime that there is a convertaion that she is loved and to be safe. Help can only work if you want it to. That is the message that has been given to her, to no avail will she learn. >> Excellent, well-stated answer. The incentive for that is if the >> custodial parent DOES NOT agree, the NCP and step-parent can get the [quoted text clipped - 15 lines] >> Basically this behavior is extreme enough that what ever social >> servies is called in your state can get involved. Isn't sex between a 14 year old and an 18 year old the same thing as sex between a minor and an adult? Did I get the ages wrong? Didn't the mother take the child on a date with this guy? I would say that could not be placed at the NCP's doorstep, though I could be wrong. Signature~~Geri~~ (Sanctimonious Cornhusker Homerkook) "We all have times when we must choose between the grasshopper and the scorpion." > Isn't sex between a 14 year old and an 18 year old the same thing as sex > between a minor and an adult? Did I get the ages wrong? Didn't the > mother take the child on a date with this guy? I would say that could not > be placed at the NCP's doorstep, though I could be wrong. f.cked if I remember now. Jess we have called dcfs and they will do nothing, even when she is tossed out of her mothers house. the police have told us we are tied because we are not the costodial parents. sorry spelling is really bad. she has been in counsling and she lies eveytime she is there. like i said she lives with her mother and is or was going and everytime we try we are not allowed to anything or have any say so. this is from the mother, and daughter lets it go . |
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