Family Forum / Parenting / Step Parents / October 2005

In a previous article, "tempermentallioness" <tempermentallioness@msn.com> said:

I see you're coming to alt.support.step-parents through
talkaboutparenting.  This isn't a bad thing, but you have to be aware
that this is not a private board where everyone is registered and
known. This is a Usenet newsgroup that is open to anyone with a
computer, an internet connection and a newsreader, and it is being
archived at groups.google.com which anyone can look up anytime they
want.  Your email address is hidden on talkabout, but it's not on
Usenet!  We can all see it, and so can the spam harvester robots.  The
talkabout people are just providing a web interface and forcing you to
look at advertising. If you want to make sure that google doesn't
archive your posts you have to put, as the **very first line of every
post**

X-no-archive: yes

People who quote you, however, may be archived, and your words will
live forever.

If this is not a concern for you, you'll find this a pretty good
tough-love group.  We generally don't waste a lot of time patting
people's shoulders and murmuring "There there, Dear".  The response is
more likely to be "That's really rough, how are you making it worse,
and what are your choices for making it better?"  If what you're
looking for is practical advice from a lot of people (mostly women)
who've been there and done that, this is the place to be.  We are
stepmoms and biomoms, custodial and non-custodial.   Sometimes we are
the step-parents, sometimes it's our husbands who are steps to our
biokids.  Sometimes its our exes who have repartnered, and it's our
kids who are trying to adjust to a step in their lives.

Also, a number of our regular participants have problems reading
unbroken blocks of text.  Others are just real sticklers for grammar,
spelling and punctuation.  In general, your posts will be better
received if you use standard English conventions in your writing.  No
one will try to *make* you do so, but if you don't, lots of folks will
just pass over your posts without reading them.

Tell us more about your situation.

Vicki

In a previous article, "tempermentallioness" <tempermentallioness@msn.com> said:

1.  Try not to be the one home when she comes to get them.  SEriously.
If there is ANY way the kids' father can be there, he's the one who
should deal with his ex, not you.

2.  Have them ready to go, lock, stock and barrel.  All you have to do
is wave a cheery goodbye, and close the door.  Do not inflame the
situation by giving them big hugs and kisses in front of their mother,
since she'll see it (perhaps rightly) as a territorial challenge.

3.  Don't react to her, or to anything the kids say.  If they come
home, bursting to tell you that Mommy called you a bitch, just say
"Oh?  By the way, we're having chicken and macaroni and cheese for
dinner!"  Do not rise to the bait, and for Heaven's sake, bite back
the witty retort that you'd so dearly love to make.  (It would feel
good, but at what cost?)

4.  If the kids ask you about why Mommy calls you and Daddy names,
just say "I don't know, Honey, you'd have to ask her about that."  If
she asks you if it's true that you hate them, say "Do you think I hate
you?"  Because you're not interested in what she thinks, only what the
kids think.

5.  Again, find someone else to be there when biomom picks the kids
up.

Vicki

all of what Vicki said.  Plus, you should realize that transitions are often
upsetting for kids in split families.  Although it's not terrific if BM is
doing what you say, it's also a difficult thing for many children, being
handed from one parent to another.

rebecca