Family Forum / Parenting / Step Parents / November 2005

Hello.  I am not a step-parent, but have issues with my partner's
adult children that are similar to some I've seen discussed in this
newsgroup.

Background: my partner has been physically separated from his wife for
about 8 years, formally separated for 3.  About 6 months ago he and his
wife began the divorce process.  I think everyone hoped it would be
quick and easy, but of course there have been issues and my expectation
is that it will take about another 6 months for it to be complete.  At
times the adult children have gotten involved in the divorce issues.
The mother has a live-in partner, whom she's been with since before
she and my partner were formally separated.

My partner and I met shortly after he formally separated from his wife,
so we have been together for 3 years.  Two months ago he accepted a new
job in a different city, and I moved with him - we now live together.
We don't intend to marry, but we consider ourselves to be committed
partners.

We waited many months to introduce me to his children (youngest was
almost 17 at the time).  Then and since, my relationship with his son
(middle child, 24) has been fine - he is pleasant, mature, polite and
interested in what kind of person I am.  I think I was and have been
the same way to him.

With his daughters, things have been very different.  He's extremely
close to them, moreso than to his son.  The two daughters are very
close to one another as well; the oldest (26) has a  mothering attitude
towards the youngest (19).   The oldest daughter treated me politely
but distantly, which seemed reasonable for everyone at that stage.  The
youngest initially seemed to do best by ignoring me, with spikes of
behavior in both directions.  By that I mean that sometimes she would
be responsive towards me, sometimes she would ignore me to the point of
rudeness.   As time went on, it got a little better but she never
seemed to give me more than passing consideration.  In the best of
times, I could ask her about her life and she would open up and talk.
This is hard to explain but:  both she and her sister are very, very
family-oriented.  It seemed all the more glaring that they rarely
expressed an interest in me.   I felt bad talking about my friends and
family, or my trips with their father - like it was hurtful to them,
or they were not interested.    When we would go to extended family
gatherings, the other family members - my partner's parents and
siblings - were all curious and kind to me, asking questions, making
me feel welcome.  The difference in behavior was striking to me.

Basically, over the 2.5 years I have been interacting with his
daughters, there have been good and bad times.  I wish I could say that
my behavior was always mature, but I too have had "spikes" of
behavior.  Especially, when I feel ignored or excluded by these young
women, I feel very, very hurt.   Sometimes I don't show it, other
times I just ignore them back, in the form of monosyllabic replies and
the bare minimum of politeness.  Needless to say this does not go over
well with my partner - it hurts him.  In the whole scheme of things,
sometimes he stands up for me (as in when they ask him not to invite me
to a birthday dinner at home that he's planning for one of them).
Sometimes he's also very angry at me for getting upset and "being
mean" to them.  He sees their behavior and normal and reasonable 95%
of the time.  He definitely thinks it is my problem, not theirs.

Sometimes my hurt over "being excluded"  becomes, well, unbearable.
It segues into thoughts of unloveability, uselessness: all kinds of
childhood abandonment sh.t comes up.  I had a fairly negligent
upbringing, with parental alcoholism and all the attendant crap that
goes with it, from a young age.  I confess that I compare my background
to my partner's daughters' (they are privileged financially and
have loving parents) and feel that they do not appreciate what they
have.  I know that's irrelevant.  When my feelings of exclusion
ratchet up like this, I can become weepy, depressed, and / or very
angry.  The form this takes to the daughters is coldness; I don't
scream or throw things or call them names, but I become very cold.

My partner is a smart, empathic man.  He feels guilt over the impact
the separation and divorce have had on his daughters, particularly the
youngest.  I think he observes what's going on pretty well, but I
don't think his vision of it is perfect, no more than mine is.   Of
course we have discussed the situation, and each time there is a
"bad" episode we talk about what happened.  He's also talked
about it with his daughters.  He tells them I have an emotional issue
that I am trying to control.  He tells me they understand this.  He
also tells me they have the normal set of resentments and pain about
the divorce, even though it is more or less a formality.  So he sees
most of their behavior as normal; in fact, he states that he believes
they try very hard to relate well to me.  I confess I do not see this,
but at this point I don't know what to believe.  Either I am crazy or
emotionally handicapped, or they are determined not to accept me except
at the merest level.  It is this lack of acceptance, this not being
"part of the group", that brings up old, bad feelings.

They visited us for the first time in our new home, all 3 of them, over
thanksgiving.  It began well and ended badly, in the way I described
above.  I had thought that being in my own home would have an effect,
since prior to this we had always been in their old childhood home,
with me as a visitor.  I thought that I would be more relaxed, and they
would be more respectful, or something, towards me...as if I would have
more "status" since I now lived with their father.  But they were
exactly the same.  I had sleepless nights where I brooded over how when
we were all in the same room, they laughed and talked without including
me.  (My partner always tried to include me when he was in the room.
The most they did was summon up an impersonal question to ask me.
Since they know I like birds and plants, they would say "what is that
bird?" or "what is this plant?" and my partner saw that as their
trying to include me.  To me, it felt false and as if it was done for
his benefit.)

After they left, we had the usual conversation, but escalated to the
level of wondering whether this would ever work.  As a final thing to
try, I am going to talk to a counselor, hopefully a psychiatrist, and
see if therapy and/or medication can make a difference.  I want to have
some strategy soon as the youngest is coming for another holiday visit
in a few weeks.  I'm certainly willing to try this, but frankly I am
not as convinced as my partner, that the problem is all mine.  He sees
it as 95/5, I think it is more 75/25.  I don't know if it even
matters.  I feel I haven't given a great picture of the situation -
maybe I have come down too hard on myself.  But it might be really,
really helpful to have some objective opinions on this.  

Nell