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Family Forum / Parenting / Step Parents / February 2006Stepdaughter moved her family OUT of our home
Yesterday was a good day indeed! My wife's daughter finally moved her family (her and baby) out of our home. She and her "husband" (child's father) secured an apartment about a half hour away from here. They moved many of her belongings throughout the day, but needed help with some furniture. So, last night, we loaded my truck and away we went. My wife was so happy too that she treated me out to dinner afterward! Her daughter still has a number of items yet to be moved, but I had no problem agreeing to a few more days for her to retrieve them. R-O-L-A-I-D-S doesn't even come CLOSE to the relief that I am experiencing! Needless to say, I am shocked that such events unfolded so quickly. But hey, I aint' gonna complain. No more loss of privacy. No more constant raiding the refrigerator. No more compromising the security of our home. No more exposure to offensive "music"/TV. No more bigoted assaults on our race. No more rather large hit on our budget. No more having to lock INTERIOR doors for security. No more disrespect of our home! My wife informed me that when they went grocery shopping yesterday, and her daughter had to foot her own bill ,she said "I can't believe how much this actually costs"; and she was at the DISCOUNT store! Looks like she has a superhighway of lessons to be learned. But I do give her credit for offering me a 5 dollar bill for my help in moving her stuff. Guess she thought she was being generous. I wonder how she will handle her other financial obligations..... Time will tell. Now that she is out of here, the woman/wife/mother that she has chosen to be is going to be the woman/wife/mother that she HAS to be. This nonsense of "I'm gonna have all the benefits of being a mother without any of the responsibilities" has come to a close. If she decides to be irresponsible, she will now experience the consequences of such behavior just like any other adult; and I will do my best to prevent my wife from imposing such consequences upon us! She should be feeling rather fuzzy about now; she's got her baby, she's got her man, she's got her own place, she has FREEDOM! Most importantly, the fact that she is away from me undoubtedly places her on cloud nine. So you see, it's a win-win situation. I did tell my wife that I have no problem with her daughter visiting, coming over for dinner, and even an occasional overnight stay. But her living here is something you will only find in a history book. No matter what happens, she will never end up living on the streets unless she chooses to do so..... <snipped> > If she decides to be irresponsible, > she will now experience the consequences of such behavior just like any > other adult; and I will do my best to prevent my wife from imposing such > consequences upon us! You know, the one problem my mother occasionally discusses with me that she has with my stepfather (whom I greatly respect) is that, to him, it's OK that he spend *his* income however he wishes (send to his kiddos, start a new business, etc) but, again to him, it's NOT OK for my mother to spend *HER* income as *she* wishes (send to her kiddos, invest in things of no interest to him, etc). If you choose to follow that same path, it *WILL* cause difficulties between you and your wife. <snipped> > I did tell my wife that I have no problem with her daughter visiting, coming > over for dinner, and even an occasional overnight stay. Oh, my! You're being *ever* so generous! > But her living here > is something you will only find in a history book. No matter what happens, > she will never end up living on the streets unless she chooses to do so..... Our 18yo son is on his own, of his own choice. When things get tight, he has the opportunity to come to the farm, spend some time with the family, and help out around the farm to "earn" some extra cash or food (food's usually easier for us to budget in and lessens the amount he needs for the grocery store). He chooses not to do so, as much as possible. When he *was* considering moving back home because things are extremely tight for him, I told him that it would be into a cabin next to the house, rather than into the house, simply because he and I know how he feels about following our household rules. But he is *always* welcome to move back home, so long as he's willing to follow the household rules. (No violent video games, etc.) Kitten > Our 18yo son is on his own, of his own choice. When > things get tight, [quoted text clipped - 19 lines] > household > rules. (No violent video games, etc.) Hi Kitten, welcome back! My Dad told me repeatedly throughout my life, even the day that I got married, to remember that I could always come home. Like you, I feel a parent's role is to be there to help their children through difficult times. My eldest has moved away for University and her father and I are trying to support her there. She's learning a lot of lessons, but as long as she doesn't keep making the same ones over and over, I'll help her out. Who among us never put a foot wrong when we were finding our own way? It is easier with her gone. Her younger sister is blossoming and things are generally tidier and less stressful, but people don't have children because they want a peaceful time of it. I'd still welcome her home in an instant, and am encouraging her to live at home during the summer so she can save towards all her expenses next year, because I feel it's part of my job to help cut my children a little slack. Since she's moved away, we started emailing and it's wonderful. Somehow she'll actually read what I write, whereas when we talk she's much less receptive and often misconstrues things. I think it's part of this need to be independent, but it's probably not just her. I probably take my time over my written communications in a way that face to face or over the phone there isn't the same ability to. Wendy <snipped> > Hi Kitten, welcome back! Thanks! > My Dad told me repeatedly throughout my life, even the day > that I got married, to remember that I could always come > home. My mom is *still* there for all of us. If Chewy lost his off-farm job and the farm folded, she would have the doors of her home wide open for the lot of us. My baby brother will be heading for Iraq in a few months, so it seems, and SIL will be moving close to my mom and my sisters so that they can all help her with the kiddos and so she can go back to school. That's just the way it is, for our family. <snipped> > It is easier with her gone. Her younger sister is > blossoming and things are generally tidier and less > stressful, but people don't have children because they want > a peaceful time of it. That's kinda how it is around here. It's amazing the reduction in stress after OS moved out, but he's *still* our child, no matter what. > I'd still welcome her home in an > instant, and am encouraging her to live at home during the > summer so she can save towards all her expenses next year, > because I feel it's part of my job to help cut my children a > little slack. That's great. I always went home to Mom's house or to my grandparents' house when I was on school breaks, until Mom remarried and I rented my stepdad's house from him. It was only 20 miles or so away, same school district. > Since she's moved away, we started emailing and it's > wonderful. Somehow she'll actually read what I write, [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > face to face or over the phone there isn't the same ability > to. That's great, Wendy! I'm glad your relationship is improving so much. Yesterday, I was checking on OS because of a situation that had come up. (He'd felt sorry for a total creep who'd shown up in the area, so he'd offered the guy a place to sleep for a few nights. Then the guy brings along a pit or pit-cross that's obviously been abused. Then the guy starts creeping out YD when she was there to visit OS. So OS told him to leave.) When I stopped to check up on him, we talked a bit. He said that he'd primarily told the guy to leave because of Chewy's take on the situation. "I respect Dad's opinion." Then he kinda sheepishly said, "I'm starting to respect your opinion, too, believe it or not." I was nearly blown over. The kid's growing up. Kitten > My mom is *still* there for all of us. If Chewy lost his > off-farm job [quoted text clipped - 8 lines] > back to school. That's just the way it is, for our > family. That's a good point, my siblings have been there for each other in times of need too. > Yesterday, I was checking on OS because of a situation > that had come [quoted text clipped - 16 lines] > > I was nearly blown over. The kid's growing up. That's lovely, both that he respects you and Chewy, but also that he showed compassion for someone and made subsequent choices after listening to you and thinking about things. Wendy But I do give her credit for offering me a 5 dollar bill for my help in moving her stuff. *************************************************************** Most bazaar thing I have ever heard. > <snipped> > > If she decides to be irresponsible, [quoted text clipped - 9 lines] > invest in things of no interest to him, etc). If you choose to follow > that same path, it *WILL* cause difficulties between you and your wife. We don't have "his & her" income; we have OUR income. That's part of marriage. > <snipped> > > I did tell my wife that I have no problem with her daughter visiting, coming > > over for dinner, and even an occasional overnight stay. > > Oh, my! You're being *ever* so generous! Indeed! If you only knew the history........... > > But her living here > > is something you will only find in a history book. No matter what happens, [quoted text clipped - 13 lines] > to move back home, so long as he's willing to follow the household > rules. (No violent video games, etc.) Granted, he's a young adult, but where really is "home"? My wife has on occasion referred to her parent's house as "back home". If her parent's house is "home", then what the heck is OUR house? > Kitten <snipped> > > You know, the one problem my mother occasionally discusses with me that > > she has with my stepfather (whom I greatly respect) is that, to him, [quoted text clipped - 6 lines] > We don't have "his & her" income; we have OUR income. That's part of > marriage. Yes, that is true. In my mother's case, they each contribute to the household, they each take care of the other, and each has their own spending money from their individual incomes. <snipped> > > > I did tell my wife that I have no problem with her daughter visiting, > coming [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > > Indeed! If you only knew the history........... Wanna compare notes? <snipped> > Granted, he's a young adult, but where really is "home"? My wife has on > occasion referred to her parent's house as "back home". If her parent's > house is "home", then what the heck is OUR house? As the old saying goes, "Home is where the heart is." For me, "back home" is my grandparents farm, where I grew up. But HOME is with my husband, no matter where we are. If I had to choose a *location* to call home, it'd be difficult to choose between the farm where we now live and my grandparents' farm. Kitten |
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