Family Forum / Parenting / Twins / February 2004

My goodness, yes. I've been pregnant with twins twice. The first time,
my son and daughter were born at only 19 weeks and obviously didn't
survive. This time around, my daughters were born 14 weeks early
(despite a cerclage and 3 months of bedrest) and spent months in the
NICU. They and we will be dealing with the resulting problems for the
rest of their lives, most likely (developmental delays, scars from
surgery and chest tubes, vision problems, the possibility of learning
and/or behavioral problems later).

Add to this the fact that I needed IVF to become pg in the first
place, and I will never be pg again. Even if we could do it naturally,
I never want to take the risk of another extremely preterm birth, so
that was it for me. I'm only 31 and my biological clock isn't done
ticking ;-)

OK, I just wanted to give you a little background and let you know
that you definitely aren't alone. With my most recent pregnancy, we
took a ton of pictures, yet I regret that the last one is at 24w (we
were taking them weekly and would have taken one at 25w, except that I
got sent to L&D that day and didn't come back out pregnant). I regret
not having more than one "naked belly" shot (I was on Lovenox
injections and my tummy was always bruised, so we didn't take many
pictures).

More than anything, I miss feeling that life inside me. I wasn't
*done* feeling my babies move in my tummy. I didn't get a baby shower.
I had to have a classical incision c-section, so even IF I could have
another baby, my chances of a vaginal delivery are gone forever. My
husband and I didn't get those happy moments after delivery; instead,
we were treated to several weeks of wondering whether our babies would
survive at all. I didn't even get to hold my daughters until they were
3 and 5 weeks old, and then it was on the nurses' terms and schedule,
not mine.

All that to say -- you are not alone. My daughters are 10 months old
now, and the feelings have definitely faded (although obviously
they're not gone). I think the bad feelings will continue to fade with
time. It all seems a little stronger now, probably because their first
birthday is approaching and I'm passing a lot of "anniversaries" right
now.

I truly hope that your negative feelings and regrets dissipate as your
girls get older.

--
Paula
Mom to Olivia and Cassie (b. 4/8/03)
^Grace^ (b. 5/16/02 d. 5/17/02) and ^Adam^ (b/d. 5/17/02)

Hi Karen,
My twins were born at 33 weeks. I had very similar feelings of not
having closure with my pregnancy. It was just like wham! it was over. I
loved being pregnant, but I was stuck in my house on bedrest, for 5 mos.
So, I always feel like I missed out on everything. No one saw me
pregnant and I didn't get to show off my belly or wear really cute
maternity clothes. It was all about comfort during a hot Summer. I do
have to say, though, that I had a wonderful labor/birthing experience
and that made up for everything!

Megan~
Mommy to A & A
16 months old!!

www.babiesonline.com/babies/a/aidannalexis
***New Pictures 02/04***

Hi Karen,

I'm sorry I can't relate to the feelings you are having, but I wanted to say
welcome and congratulations on your daughters!

Take care,

Ellen
--------
Erin  6/26/95
Bradley & Alex  10/5/00

I'm sorry you are having regrets on top of all this happiness and
excitement...it kind of puts a small damper on things.  I think it's really
common.  It's especially normal for parents of mults or pre-term babies.  You
really need time to grieve the actual pg. I think.  

I don't really share all your emotions as I pretty much went day-to-day with
the pg.  So, as morbid as it may sound, I mentally prepared myself each night
that it may be my last night of feeling the amazement of being pg.  With that
said, I also woke up each morning with a huge smile on my face and enjoyed
every single minute of the pg and thankful I made it even one more day.  

I do have some regrets, though, as minor and petty as they will seem.  I was on
bedrest after around 11 weeks, so I didn't get to strut around the mall in my
cute pg clothes that I didn't get to shop for.  I didn't get to meet friends
for lunch and go on and on about the nursery.  I didn't get to do all that
superficial stuff.  In fairness, I got a lot of other benefits by being on
bedrest that it's clear to me how blessed I was to have that be my reality.  I
had tons of mental and emotional time to prepare.  But it still mattered to me
that I lost out on all the silly stuff.  I still dreamt about how I thought it
"should" be.  It still bugs me...just not like it used to ;)  So, maybe your
pangs will subside, too?  Maybe.

I hope they do ;)
Missy in Indiana http://hometown.aol.com/mhrust/overviewforng.html
Morgan Olivia & Julia Lucille 4/28/01 (YAY!)

Whew, I'm glad I'm not alone.  I thought my feelings were abnormal, but they
follow along the same lines of what I've just read.  First I waited so long to
get pg. and had to go through IF treatments to get pg. then lost 2 pgs. so I
was *really, really thrilled* to be pg., to put it mildly.  Then I ended up
spending over 3 months on bedrest during my pg. so I didn't get the chance to
do the things I wanted to do to get ready for the babies.  My baby shower was
postponed because I went into preterm labor a few days before it supposed to
take place.  My firend ended up having it when the girls were a month old,
which was nice, but not quite the same.  I feel like a whiner because I'm so
lucky to have 2 healthy children, but I would love to be pg. again and I know
it probably will not happen because of IF.  It bothers me that I don't have the
choice to be pg. again like most people do.

So no, you're not alone Karen.  I'm glad you brought up this subject because
now I realize that I'm not along either.  :)

Andrea
twin girls-Jordan & Madison
3/22/00

Dear Karen,
My boys are just 8 (where did the time go??) and I can sort of relate, but I
wanted to give you a caveat if I may. SO often, we women fall to the
pressures of society on how were are Supposed to feel and what we are
Supposed to do. Rest assured, no matter what, someone will let you know that
you have missed something. Everything is simply not possible, so we have to
make do with what we have. I remember hearing other women (can you imagine)
lamenting over the fact that I missed the "experience of childbirth" because
my boys came out C-Section. Let me tell you, after 24 hours in
non-progressive labor, and one twin periodically getting his cord squished
and his stats dropping, I couldn't have cared less about the "experience"!
All I wanted was two healthy babies screaming in my arms and I didn't care
HOW they got there. For the longest time early on, I had extreme guilt
because my newborns spent their first few hours in the nursery while I
recovered from the drugs from the procedure.  Can you imagine feeling guilty
because you've basically been awake for 24 hours and just had an operation
to get your babies safely into the world. Gee, how awful of me to get a
little (forced!) rest while my babies were cared for by pros. Shame on me!
DH had NO guilt about celebrating at the restaurant next door with a nice
dinner and a glass of wine while I recouped!  I still see commercials
showing all those "tender" singleton moments in the early months - What
moments!?! I know we had them, but most of the time, I was either too busy
or just too tired to document every second. Thankfully, I see those pictures
in my minds eye as I look now at my growing boys. Multiples carry their own
set of trials and triumphs. While we are tired and exhausted (and sometimes
physically drained!), we are rewarded with watching two or more babies grow
up together and it's is sometimes simply magical.  My husband used to like
to say, when asked about how hard it was - "Well, you only have to wash your
hands once!" referring to dual diaper changes. There's that lemonade making
that comes in so useful. ;>))

I'm sorry that you missed out on some things that you would have liked to
have done. I suppose the only lesson is, if it's really important to you, to
take the time in the future. Please try not to feel bad. I know it's hard -
we moms ARE expected to be perfect after all.

Best wishes to you, from one "perfect" mom to ANOTHER!!!!

I know exactly what you mean!  It is perfectly natural to mourn your
pregnancy, and feel like you missed out on.  I have twin girls who are 21
months.  They were born six weeks premature and spent ten days in the
hospital, which was one hour away from our home.  The first six months were
so hectic, that I feel like I missed out on some of the newborn bonding.
There was just no time to cuddle them one by one and just watch them sleep.

I think that every expectant mother has a fantasy of the perfect pregnancy,
and wonderful birth experience where we produce a chubby bundle of joy that
is placed on our belly while our overjoyed husbands smile and snap memories
with a Kodak.  As parents of multiples we are blessed with having more than
one healthy child, however we are also deprived of some of the wonderful
experiences that a singleton mother might have.  Being a mother of twins
comes with its own special challenges and stresses.  Because I also have an
older child, I can also tell you that ALL mothers mourn their pregnancy and
wish they could have done things differently.   My twin pregnancy was very
hard for me.  I had terrible back pain and morning sickness.  I was so tired
and I didn't even care about charting all the milestones and oggling the
ultrasound photos.  Sure, I have regrets, but I don't have time to think
about them much!  I guess the best way to get through it is to make everyday
with your girls as special as you can.  Enjoy the moments that are going to
pass so fast.  Try to remember that when your girls are older they aren't
going to remember whether the laundry was folded or the carpet was vacuumed,
they are going to remember how loved they are.

If you want to talk more let me know and we can chat directly about our
experiences.

Congrats on your girls!

--
http://www.babygardengifts.com