Family Forum / Parenting / Parenting / January 2006

I'm sure other people will have more detail, but my advice would be:

- remember you can't make them eat, nor should you try. Your job is to put
good food in front of them. Whether they eat it is up to them.

- don't make eating a power struggle. You can only lose. (It obviously *is*
a power struggle at the moment, and you obviously *are* losing - you'll
have to back off, and this won't be easy. You might want to tell them that
that's what you're doing. "I've realised that it's not my job to make you
eat, it's only my job to offer you food".)

- remember that they won't starve themselves. Honestly.

If you think that's actually three ways of saying the same thing, I think
you may be right :-)

Sidheag
DS Colin Oct 27 2003

Angel

Why dont you just stop buying junk alltogether? If its not there then its
less likley that it will be eaten.

Present them with the food and let them decide on if they want to eat it.
If they dont then leave it there and when they get hungry enough they will
eat it.  I dont think he will starve himself.

and relax. if hes happy in himself and healthy then dont worry.

Ok first thing, if you are still buying in stuff like crisps and
biscuits etc. then  I'd say stop that - if it's not in the house then
they can't eat it and it makes it easier to tell them they can't have
it.

Which of course shows to him how much power he has, and this of course
just makes the power struggle worse. You need to stop making a power
struggle, because you can't win it unless you are going to force feed
them.

I think around this age it's pretty common for kids to get fussy anyway
and not always like to try anything new, but this has got mixed up here
with the food battles going on.

Ok these are my suggestions.

1. I assume that the kids get to eat other stuff such as the above
mentioned  crisps, biscuits etc. to fill themselves up after not eating
their meals? Well first thing is to stop them doing that I'd stick to
regular meal and snack times for now (kids of this age do need in
between meal snacks I think - but it doesn't have to be crap) They don't
get to eat anything else at other times and they only get to eat what
you offer them.

2. remove the battle from meal times, if they don't eat their food then
be calm, about it, remind them that there is nothing else to eat until
whenever. sure if they don't eat they will be hungry for a bit and
complain, but they won't starve, but they will probably have to learn
the hard way..

3. Cook/prepare simple stuff that they are likely to like but that you
are happy with nutritionally (even if they say they don't) - if they
used to eat it they will again. You can hide all sorts of things in
dishes buy whizzing them, in a food processor to put in the sauce

4. Try sitting down together for the meal, all eating the same thing, if
they refuse to eat it, say they don't like it are full etc. then tell
them they have to stay at the table while everyone else finishes.

5. Sit down and make  list of things you can cook for main meals and
prepare for snacks, it makes it easier if you are feeling pressured and
need to get something in a hurry. Have stuff for snacks prepared in
advance if necessary

6. Try to offer some choice, it helps them feel they have some control.
'would you like pasts or shepherds pie for dinner' , offer a choice for
snacks , say peanut butter sandwiches, carrot sticks and bit of apple
but let them choose which they eat.

7. Try to involve the kids and make it fun, sit down together and think
of things they might like to be cooked for dinner,  choose the
vegetables in the shop, get them involved in cooking-  make some pizza
together, or bake some cakes (you don't want to cut out such things
altogether), chop up vegetables (our not yet quite  5yo daughter
prepared all the Brussels sprouts for dinner the other day) - if they
don't do this, then get them a small sharp knife that cuts properly,
show them how to use, and start them on things like mushrooms, carrots
etc. Above DD1 loves working the food processor.

8. Tell the kids what is going to happen and why - that we need to eat a
healthy diet,  about a balanced diet, not eating to much of some things
etc, try to be as positive about it as possible, play some games about
healthy eating etc.

9. Be strong, stay calm,stick to your guns, most likely they will refuse
to eat something  at first, they will make a fuss about being hungry,
about wanting crisps etc., it will be tough on you, but you need to how
them you mean business

good luck :-)

<snip>

I agree with the other replies, but just to add that I think the key is that you
should never let them have the junk as an alternative to proper food. Be
consistent about this - ours know that if they don't eat their dinner (or a
reasonable amount of it), there is no way they are getting any pudding, it's a
simple fact. So they don't argue - you don't argue with a brick wall because it
won't do any good.

If you sometimes give in and let them have junk when they've not had a proper
dinner, then they will play up as they know there's a chance they'll get to fill
up on junk instead. Children won't starve themselves, even going without food
for several days won't do them any harm (provided they are drinking), so don't
worry about this. They *will* eat if hungry anyway, even if they don't
particularly like the food.

Also don't worry if he seems to hardly be eating anything - ours went through
phases when they'd eat virtually nothing, and then phases where they would eat a
bigger dinner than me and want more. Provided they are happy, lively and healthy
then don't worry about the quantity of food they are eating, worry more about
the quality.

So, just make them proper meals, let them eat as much or as little as they want,
but NEVER EVER let them have pudding or junk unless they've finished their
dinner (or a decent amount of it), and stop worrying!

--
Andy

Have you tried involving them in planning (and even cooking) the meals?  I
have two children aged 9 and 4 and each weekend we create a menu for the
week.  They each have input into what goes on it, and I arrange it to ensure
that the week is reasonably balanced and that time constraints are taken
into account.  Nobody is made to eat meals they really don't like, but new
things have to be tried before being rejected.

I also second what other posters have said - get rid of the junk.  In fact,
it is quite possible that if the children are not eating plateloads of
additives each day that their behaviour will become more reasonable and this
will have a knock-on effect on their eating habits.  That doesn't mean you
have to ban all treats - but have lots of colourful fruit around, make
home-made biscuits with them, whizz up smoothies and bake fruit loaves.

And above all, don't make a big deal of it.  If you can all eat together at
a table as a family then this might make a big difference.  Make mealtimes a
social occasion not a battleground.  If they don't eat, just take it away,
but don't allow them crisps and cakes to make up for it.  Offer yoghurts or
fruit for pudding perhaps, even if they haven't eaten their meal.  As others
have said, they will not starve themselves - gradually they will come round
to this new way of doing things.  Just like those teenagers in the Jamie
Oliver secondary schools!!

Amy