Family Forum / Parenting / Parenting / July 2004

Have you considered fostering or adopting?

Thom

There is nothing like spending time with my son, I would love to have
another child.  Not because I will an adult friend when I'm older, but that
I have so much living and love to give, so much to share, so much more to
learn, I think I make a good mother, one that will never be replaced by a
friend.
Only you know whats best for you.

Debbie

Sue wrote in <2lhpqtFctt31U1@uni-berlin.de>:

As you can see from my sig, I have three children, but they are quite close
together in age.  I cannot imagine going back to the toddler stage again.

You might find that your adult kids move away from home, and you rarely
see them.  I think perhaps, you are really worried about a lonely old age,
and that you think that if you had more children, they would look after you.  
They might, they might not.

If you had said you wanted more school-age kids, or more teenagers, then
again that would be a good reason to think seriously.  But you want
more children that you are *not* responsible for.  You would need to spend
20 years being responsible before you got to the stage of only worrying
sometimes.

I don't think you really want another cild of your own, but maybe you want
more children in your life.  There are other options, ranging from
fostering a child, to be involved in youth work, such as Guides, or helping
out at schools.  If you did something like Guides, it would allow you to
develop relationships with teenagers which might develop into the kind
of relationship you want with adults.

Another thing to consider is perhaps whether you just need to make some
more friends.  Or maybe that you currently have no 'purpose' in life, and
you need to find one.

From what you have said, I don't think you should plan on getting pregnant
soon.  You have plenty of time to think about.  You could easily leave
it for six months before starting to try.

Last thought: how does your husband feel about having more children?

if you have to ask the question the answer is NO!

Lost

I agree that if you have to ask the answer is probably no.  But if you don't
want to go through the toddler stage again I do think maybe adopting or
fostering an older child might be the way to go.  There are lots of older
children waiting to be adopted because most people want a baby.  Just a
thought.

Jo

<snippage>

That seems like a bit of a sentimental exaggeration to me - there _are_
people who've regretted having kids.  Of course, that isn't to say that
you would - you'd almost certainly end up feeling the same way about a
second child as you currently do about your daughter, namely that it's
hard work but ultimately worthwhile.

However, I do have to say that your reason for considering another child
is ringing some alarm bells.  In general, I just don't think it's a
great idea for people to have children on the basis of what those
children might provide for them when they become adults.  When your
children become adults, they'll have their own needs, their own agenda
and their own plans for their life.  And, IMHO, that's exactly how it
should be.

Of course, hopefully this will include remaining friends with their
mother. But children are all individuals, and sometimes, through no
fault on either side, they just don't click with their parents to the
extent of being close friends.  Of course, unless you've really screwed
up on the parenting they should remain on good terms with you, but
that's not the same as the sort of friendship you were describing.  And
close friendship is something you might or might not get.  I don't think
it's very fair on children to know that it's something their mothers
expect of them.  If my mother had only had me in hopes of providing her
with a friend twenty years down the line, I think it'd make me feel
pretty trapped by her expectations.

So, my advice would have to be - If you feel you want another child now,
by all means have one.  (And if you want an older child and just want to
skip the infancy stages, it wouldn't hurt to consider the suggestion
another poster made of fostering or adopting an older child.)  But if
what you actually want is an adult friend in twenty years, then don't
have children to provide that.  Instead, make friends with adults now
whom you do click with and find you can get on well with, and put the
next twenty years into nurturing those friendships.  The end result will
be the same, but you won't be imposing your expectations on people who
may or may not, at the end of the day, feel like fulfilling them.

All the best,

Sarah

 > Hi,
 > I am a Mum to an 8 yr old only. She is the light of my life and I
wouldn't
 > be without her for the world. For a LONG time I never wanted another as
I
 > found the toddler stage particularly difficult and I did not want to
have to
 > do that again, having to watch them every second of the day, the
tantrums,
 > the potty training.
 >
 > DD is in full time school now and I am a SAHM. DH works shifts, so it's
 > great on his days off as we can go for lunch alone a lot and things.
Things
 > are getting so much easier, in fact my life is quite calm and peaceful.
 > Apart from a few money worries (who ever has enough money) things are
great.
 >
 > However lately I have been seeing all these Mums with their grown up
kids
 > and thinking "hey wouldn't it be fun to have all those ready made
friends
 > when I am older" I see Moms with their adult kids laughing and joking
and
 > get jealous that I will only ever have one relationship of that type.
 >
 > I really have no desire to have another baby, but I DO want adult
children,
 > does that made sense??? My question is do you think giving up another 20
 > years of my life to get to the stage where I have adult kids is worth
it? I
 > really hate the lack of freedom having kids brings BUT I do not want to
get
 > to 50 and regret not having more adult kids.
 >
 > Although I found the baby toddler stage a strain I would not be without
my
 > DD for a minute and would go through it 100 rimes over just to have her
in
 > my life. My friend says you NEVER regret having your kids..is she right?
 >
 > All of my friends with babies and toddlers say have another BUT some of
my
 > friends who have teens or adult kids say if they had to do it over they
 > wouldn't have any or just one. Any advice from those of you who have
been
 > there and done that???
 >
 >
 > I know what you mean about the infancy stage, I have 2 boys age 2 and 4
and it is really difficult. Personaly I can't wait untill they are a bit
older. I sometimes think about having another one, to feel a newborn just
resting it's wee head against your cheek, a wee snuggly bundle wrapped up in
a wee blanket, then reality kicks in and I think about sleepless nights,
washing bottles, wanting lifted all the time, constantly asking for things
(juice, biscuits etc...) and then I thank God I've been sterilised. I am
going to  miss out on the relationship I've had with my mum because it's 2
boys I have, no one to go shopping with! I am looking forward to my brothers
having kids and then maybe I can have that relationship with my neice!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----