Re: Therapists

Thanks Doug, you were right on target (as usual). I never even thought
about if DH was cheating or not. To me, that point was moot as it would
seem more of a symptom if indeed he was, than the problem. But that's
just how I think.

I also know the first doctors we see may not be of any help at all, and
was thinking possibly better results may occur with a different doctor.
I know the very first "marriage counselor" we saw was a complete waste
of our time. I don't need to hear after every statement I make "and how
did that make you feel?". I don't need to give money to someone for
asking the questions I've already asked myself.

Erin - You won't have to over analyze any of my posts :-) I've always
been rather transparent.

If anything, if something I post seems to have irony in it, it's usually
me having internalized my response, and my answer is likely a rhetorical
response as apposed to a rhetorical question.

Bob

Sorry, that may be out of context, and the post was not read some time
ago.
But as of now, I see that I have reason to be happy with the efforts
my
husband is making to make us both happy.

I think we've reached a good stage.  So, unless something unpleasant
comes up in the future, I will do my best too and let him have his own
life.
Things could be so much worse.

thanks

Erin

Erin, you have quite the chip on your shoulder this morning.

I don't know what Bob believes, but I don't believe his questions was
loaded, I think it was genuine and empathetic.

Bob's question has no implications whatsoever about whether your
husband is having or has had an extramarital affair.

That's a loaded question and could only come from someone
who already thinks that there was no reason to believe in an
extramarital affair - contrary to his own confession of "sort of at
first sexual attraction" then "soulmate"  "yes i love her but in a
different way" and "yes I will continue my relationship with her
forever".  Q.E.D.  Maybe he needs another doctor.

Erin

Erin - Have you thought about seeking help from a different doctor?

I thought you might have issues that could use professional help, but if
you were already seeking that help, did you look past the first doctor
treating you?

Bob

Yeah, maybe-- as in legaleze but the drugs were not aspirin.  They
were antipsychotics for schizophrenia.  Maybe schizophrenia is
being redefined as bipolar with a little schizo sauce on the top or
mixed schizophrenia.  It must have been a delusion anyway and the
timing was so apropos - no such drugs prescribed for 28 years of
the marriage.  Ahem.

Maybe it depends on how he "defines it".    I don't know.    I don't think
you're schizophrenic.

If it is/was an affair and he's been lying to me about it, then
his time is going to come.  But if as he swears there was no
such thing, and I am deluded, then I guess his advice to the
dr. to give me antipsychotics for schizophrenia is justified.
Time will tell.

Erin

Maybe just talking it out is of some value to her, Xorra?   You feel it has
that potential too, n'est pas?

The bottom line is:  we can't solve anyone else's problems here.   That fix
has to come from within.

I just don't see how it's helping you, that's all.  I mean, the issues and
the words even are almost the exact same.  I think it's sad that you are so
stuck in the same place.

Xorra

I'm a sceptic Xorra.  I don't want to jump to a conclusion when
a multitude of theories are open, due to lack of information, secrecy,
ignorance, prejudice or just not knowing the facts.  I think a lot
of harm can be done that way.   Check out "war propaganda" for
example.

Nope; I will wait for the truth.  Emotinally, I have found these
chats very helpful, so I am making progress.  As for the therapists
they seem more confused than I am - each getting a different
story from DH - so in a way you cannot blame them-- but sane
conflicts may not be the problem - depression might be-- see  what
I mean?

Erin

But you don't seem to be working them out at all.  You come and say things
like this, and then you come and say you've reached agreement of some kind,
and then you come and say this again.  I agree with his doctors.  You are
going to HAVE to learn to accept that woman in his life, because he WON'T
give her up no matter what. It's not right, it's not fair, but it's your
reality.  It's my reality now too.

Xorra

I don't have anyone else to talk to.  I like the internet as it
enables
me to work out the problems in my life.  It's free and there are
people
who can continue a discussion indefinitely.

Erin

Do you never, ever get tired of coming back and repeating the same things
over and over again?  You aren't likely to get different answers.

Xorra

In this case, it seems obvious to me that the therapist should refer
the
patient to a psychiatrist or doctor first, and the tell him to come
back
for the "issues".

Erin

Typically what they do has a lot to do with what their client wants.

The question would be, what is your husband trying to get out of
therapy?

My opinion is that therapy is most likely to be successful when
clients go into the therapuetic relationship with some specific things
they are asking for help from their therapist for.  That doesn't mean
that the list of things they want help with may not change and grow.

What it does mean is that therapists can't magically make you perfect.
The best they can do is help you work on what _you_ want to work on.

I don't know what therapists do, but he's certainly changed since
spending thousands of dollars on them --
sicker, more depressed, amnesic, apathetic and very
antisocial.  Good work!

Erin