Re: Loosen the Apron Strings - Alcohol

This was easy before Junior High.  In Elementary, they have a DARE
program, where they show them all sorts of terrible things that can
happen with drugs and alcohol.  They are very effective.  My kids used
to talk about how stupid it is to smoke or drink, especially drugs.

But once they start Junior High, they tend to forget.  Thankfully, my
kids still feel the same way about smoking and drugs.  But alcohol seems
to be something that alot of them do.  Too many also do drugs and smoke,
but it isn't as 'cool' as alcohol seems to be.

This is what we have been trying to do.  Let them go (sometimes) but
make sure they know that we are putting our trust in them to behave
responsibly.

My daughter asked to go to a party this Friday night quite a while back.
 A bunch of her friends are going.  She told me that she only wants to
take 2 coolers and wants us to pick her up at 11pm because she has a
'lacrosse' game on Saturday.  She is much more mature than I was when I
was 16.  I would have partied till 2 in the morning and woke up hung
over and played like crap.  I am so proud of her.

I think this is a Big Mistake. When I was a teen, parentally chaperoned alch
parties were just an excuse to get way overly drunk by all the kids there.
So what do the kids gleen from that? It is ok to get hammered as long as
there is a grown up there to hold your head over the toilet?

I want to know why parents of these children are allowing drinking parties
at their houses in NINETH GRADE?!? Can 9th graders not come up with fun
things to do at a party without drinking?

I will tell you our plans. My kids are little. But as part of our health
education responsibilty, we have been discussing smoking, drinking and peer
pressure. The primary lesson about smoking has been if you don't start, you
don't have to quit. we have spoken about the risks, the damage to your body
and that some significant percent of people wind up addicted.

What I would do is;

Educate about the risks. Not JUST addiction. That will seem far away to the
invincable teen brain. But the risk of making a fool of yourself. The risk
of reduced inhibition leading to dangerous sexual activities and date rape.
The risk of diminished judgement leading leading to other dangerous
situations like getting in  car with a drunk person. Find real life
examples, even from your life or those you know. Someone peeing themselves
sounds like an effective one for a teenager. Can you imagine the horror? Do
not OVER dramatize to lose credibility. But the risks are enough that you
should not have to.

Then I would scaffold life long learning by removing your allowing or not
allowing. Tell them that you will give them the freedom to learn how to
engage in these situaions safely. The right to attend these parties hinges
on making the right choices while there. If the wrong choices are made, then
the right to attend these parties will be restricted in the name of safety.

The point is to lead them to independant conclusions and skills for handling
these situations. If YOU limit and restrict them specifically, then they
won't make independant learning about how much is too much, etc.. Also they
will not make an independant decision to make the correct choices abou
drinking, which is the lifelong message thata they must take away. Worse
they may wind up with the sneak and hide mentality and thinking the taboo
drunkeness is cool.

Good luck. It is a tough issue.

Thought I would ask how others handle the Alcohol issue with their
teenagers.

We (my wife and I) drink socially, but not much at all.  Maybe once a
month or so, if people are over.  We have allowed our 16 year old to
have a couple of drinks at special occasions (New Years Eve, etc.).  Our
thoughts are that she will probably drink at some point and we would
just as well she experience it first with our supervision.  Myself
personally and my wife, both starting drinking alcohol at age 16.  We
drank a lot more when we were younger.  My wife stays away from it,
because her father drank way too much.

Our first experience was when our oldest was in Grade 10 and barely 16.
  One of her hockey teammates (her coaches daughter) was turning 17 and
her parents were having a party for her.  The party was in their house
and the parents would be chaperoning.  The parents made sure we were
aware that there would be alcohol at the party.  In our jurisdiction it
is illegal to drink until age 18.  But apparently this happens quite a bit.

Our first instinct was to say she couldn't go.  Then that she could go,
but wasn't allowed to drink.  We ended up buying her two 'coolers' and
let her go to the party.  We dropped her off and picked her up.  I guess
we have set the precedent that our kids can drink once they are in Grade
10.  Thankfully, this daughter isn't all that social and hasn't asked to
do anything like this since.

We recently had a fight with our second daughter who is 14 and in Grade
9.  They have a small graduation ceremony (from Junior High) and our
daughter wanted to be able to go to a party where drinking would be
happening.  Supposedly, everyone was going to be there.  We held our
ground and told her it wasn't allowed until she was in Grade 10 and even
then only when supervised.

This daughter is very social and I have no doubt she will be asking to
go to parties all the time in grade ten (a couple of months away).

What to do?????